Shakespeare Lives
by Kamikakushi
Summary: Due to the Konoha's low morals, Tsunade has a bright idea that will surely mean doom. A Shakespeare play will be acted out, with a blackmailed Sasuke as our Romeo. So who's our Juliet? Shino the director? Tenten the stage manager? Neji blackmailed too?
1. The Casting Call

**Author's Note:** This is by the most stupid, insane idea that has ever popped up in my head. How did it happen you may ask? Suggestion...Never watch ballet with your mother. And unfortunately, that's exactly what I was doing when this stupid arse idea popped into my head. And now...here it is...

**Pairings: **None that I have as of yet.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Naruto or its characters. It is the property of Kishimoto-sensei. ::glares at lawyers::

**Warning:** Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive use of Mr. Shakespeare.

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_**Shakespeare Lives**_

By Jia Zhang

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_Part I : The Casting Call_

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Sasuke sighed, and paled. He was not happy. Well, he hasn't been happy since his brother killed his entire clan, and he will only be happy when he's dead. But that was a whole other story. No...Sasuke believe this was much worse. Much, much worse than having his family getting shattered and his entire life messed up.

Sasuke groaned as he stared at the massive group of females that gathered excitedly around a bulletin board, waiting. They were all squealing excitedly. The dark haired shinobi wondered to himself..._how the hell did I get roped into this?_

Into what, you may ask.

The Konoha Village has been alive with excitement and activities for the last couple of days now. In order to boost the small ninja village's moral since the Orochimaru attack, Tsunade had an idea that was a stroke of genius, or a bizarre coincidence that she just happened to be reading _Romeo and Juliet_ one day. She thought it would be a _great_ idea if the village performed the beloved tragedy.

And much to Sasuke's dismay, this was where his role came in.

It had been early in the morning when Tsunade called Sasuke into her office. She looked out of her window towards the village, her back turned to him.

"These times have been hard for the village," said the blonde woman. "People are all afraid of the onslaught of a possible war. And I don't blame them. Everyday we are threatened with that possibility, even if we made an alliance with Sand." She turned back to Sasuke, a little mischievous smile on her face. "And this leads to why I called you here. I have a _very_ important mission for you, Sasuke."

The ebony eyed youth quirked an eyebrow. "For me only?"

"Yes," smiled Tsunade. "Just you, not team seven."

"What is it?"

Tsunade's smile grew larger, and Sasuke couldn't help but feel a little nervous and afraid. It was one of _those_ smiles. "Sasuke...Have you ever heard of a play called _Romeo and Juliet_?"

The Uchiha's eyebrow rose a bit in confusion. "_Romeo and Juliet_? I think my mother once mentioned it before..."

"Well, this is a timeless classic by a man called William Shakespeare. It's an English play, but it has been translated to Japanese. It's a very intriguing story, to say the least, and definitely one of the most popular plays of all time."

"What does this have to do with my mission?" asked Sasuke.

Tsunade smiled. "I want you to be Romeo, the leading man. I want you to be in this play."

"WHAT!?" shouted the boy in shock. "No way...I..." He shook his head. "I'm sorry Hokage-sama, but I refuse this..."

"Well you don't exactly have a choice!" Tsunade yelled back. "This is your punishment for going to look for Orochimaru! Be glad I'm not making you run around the village A TRILLION TIMES!"

Sasuke groaned and paled. "I'd prefer the laps. But...but why me?"

"Because...having you in the leading role will tempt a lot of people to also audition for the play," replied the Hokage. "Besides...You were the only one I could blackmail into doing this. I tried Kakashi, but he disappeared as soon as I utter the words _Romeo and Juliet_."

The ebony-eyed Uchiha groaned as he placed his head in his hands. "So will you do it?" ask Tsunade.

"I don't really have a choice...Do I?"

Tsunade smiled. "Nope."

He groaned. "Fine..."

"Excellent, Sasuke! I knew I could count on you," beamed the blonde woman. She handed him a semi-thick book. "This is the script. I want you to memorize everything, and for God's sake Sasuke, don't be such a stiff board and act out the role properly!"

And that was how Sasuke got roped into playing Romeo.

Just yesterday, Tsunade announced to the village that the play was going to proceed, and that auditions for the other roles were going to be held later that day. When the girls in the village heard that there was a female role playing opposite of Sasuke, and that they would even get to kiss him, everyone one of them auditioned. This severely scared Sasuke, more than anything. He did not want to play opposite of one of his _fans, _Ino and Sakura. Hell, if he had to do this, _anybody_ would be better than those two.

And now...the casting call was being made for all the people who auditioned.

Sasuke heard a laughed behind him, and turned around to see Naruto, an evil kitsune smile on his face. "So...how does it feel, Sasuke," asked the blue-eyed boy, "to be stuck in this play?"

The other ninja growled angrily. "_Urusai, dobe_," he spoke threateningly that made even Naruto cringe in fear.

"Geez, what the hell is your problem? And I'm not a dobe you BAKA!" shouted the blonde. "Personally, if I were in your position, I'd be feeling freaking happy having so many girls interested in me..."

But Sasuke didn't say a thing. He simply glared. If only looks could kill...

"Excuse me everyone!" The two boys turned to see Iruka standing before the bulletin board, holding the casting list. There was a lot of people gathered around him, not only girls, since others auditioned too, for the good of the village. "The casting has been made...Now, I want you to all understand that these roles are final. Shino-kun carefully decided who would act best as which characters."

"Shino's the director!?" Naruto and Sasuke cried in union, both shocked.

"Yep..." They both turned to see Kiba coming up beside them. "Believe it or not, Shino is the director. He happens to know a lot about acting, and Shakespeare. When he heard about the play, he volunteered to do the directing..."

"Well...whodathunkit..." spoke Naruto as Iruka began to call out the roles. "Shino of all people...wow..."

"As you all know, the leading role will be play by Sasuke-kun..." Fangirls squealed. "As for the other leading role of Juliet...She will be played by..."

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**To be continued...**

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**End Note: **I'm evil, aren't I? Yes...I will never watch another ballet as long as I live. They give me evil ideas. So how do you like this so far? Weird enough, yet? Trust me...This fic attacked me. I have no idea where this is going. My mood is not doing very well. I'm going through stuff. Yeah. For those who have read _Kaze to Konoha_ thank you for your support, and I will work on that as soon as possible.

_So whose going to be playing Juliet? What about the other roles, Tybalt, Mercutio and the Friar? And Shino, the director? Poor Sasuke...How is he ever going to live through this? It'll all be revealed in the next chapter of **Shakespeare Lives**, "The Roles Are Cast"._

© August, 2004 by Jia Zhang. All rights reserved.


	2. The Auditions : Part I

**Author's Note:** Holy crap! I can't believe there are actually people reading this thing... I thought I was going to be flamed or something...Man, is this ever surprising. Anyways, thank you all for you're kind reviews. Oh yes, I also have to give a super thanks to Miya-chan for helping me come up with the cast and betaing this for me. ; It was insane afternoon of casting. But we finally finished it! Bwuahahahahaha!

**Pairings: **None as of yet.

**Disclaimer: **::glares some more at lawyers:: Do you think that if I owned Naruto that it'd have het pairings? C'mon you black suit-wearing freaks! You know me better than that!

**Warning:** Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive use of Mr. Shakespeare.

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_**Shakespeare Lives**_

By Jia Zhang

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_Part II : The Auditions – Part I_

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When most people first meet Aburame Shino, they'd just think of him as another Konoha ninja. Well, they would also think he's a little creepy for the whole "bugs inside your body" thing. But for those people who really _know_ Shino, they know him as one of the most artistic people in Konoha. Freakishly so.

Once Shino had heard (from the gossip of his mother) that Tsunade was planning on having a play to boost morals, he felt that the Heavens had granted his fondest wish. He immediately went to the blonde Hokage and pleaded to be the director of one of his most beloved plays. The heir of the Aburame clan was very surprised to hear that nobody else had volunteered, and Tsunade was ecstatic when he did. Apparently, she had been having great problems with the casting (as she had no artistic talent what-so-ever). She appointed Shizune as the progress reporter, and Shino agreed with no hesitation.

Shino had great ideas as to how he was going to proceed with the play. He smiled as he thought about the rehearsal plans he had as he made his way into the (soon to be built) Konoha Theatre, where a lot of Anbus were currently with happy hammers, building excitedly as they were finally having a different job rather than killing people.

As the dark haired ninja approached the theatre to prepare to watch the auditions, he saw _huge_ line-up of bubbly females, giggling excitedly. The bug boy sweat-dropped and felt very happy not to be in Sasuke's position as Romeo. Wait, he was completely happy not to be Sasuke at all. He secretly wondered how the Uchiha heir got the role, knowing it was one hell of a blackmail from Tsunade-sama, and that Sasuke wouldn't have done it if his life depended on it.

When he walked past the Sasuke fangirls and into the back of the stage, he saw Tenten, twirling a kunai around her finger, and Iruka, who was marking tests he had taken along with him.

He had been surprised at first when Tsunade had told him who were going to be helping him, but that was before he realized what an asset having Tenten as stage manager. The dark haired weapons master had a scary streak (he had heard from rumors), and she would be responsible for torturing, wait, I mean helping to organize the actors and casting, and with the props and everything else.

Shino didn't like to yell very much, as everyone knew he was pretty quiet, and having a scary girl would benefit him greatly. A scary girl who, hopefully, won't be yelling at him.

As for his former sensei...Iruka had been requested by Tsunade to do the costumes and music. Being a (single) teacher, Iruka was able to sew extremely well, both having no mother and having to fend for himself a good quarter of his life, and also happened to know how to write music, both information which shocked Shino to no end.

Tenten turned as she heard Shino's footsteps. She stopped twirling the kunai, placing it back into her holster. A smile graced her face. "Ohayo, Shino-kun!" said the brown-eyed kunoichi.

"Ohayo, Shino," said Iruka with a smile as he finally looked up from his marking.

"Ohayo..." replied Shino. "Did you wait for me long?"

"Not really. Did you see the long line up of girls? They're scary," admitted the weapons master, shuddering slightly.

"It's not too bad..." said Iruka. "At least there are a lot of people auditioning."

"Yeah, a lot of girls," replied Tenten, sweat-dropping as she look past the semi-built stage at the enormous number of girls. "Thank Megami-sama that I am not like them."

"Let's just get this started..." said the sunglass wearing Gennin.

The three got up to the stage and took their respective seats. A long table with three chairs was near the left wing of the half completed theatre stage. Once the three got to their seats, Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul...Wait. That's not right. Sorry, wrong critics. Tenten looked over a clipboard at the list of people auditioning.

"Wow...There is a lot of girls..." Iruka finally realized that about 99% of the people auditioning were crazed fangirls. "I hope there's at least a few guys auditioning..."

"Oh don't worry. There will be," said the brown-eyed kunoichi, a matter-of-factly.

"How do you know that?" asked Shino curiously.

"You'll see...First up is Sakura..." The bug using ninja saw Tenten's eye twitch.

Sakura, who had heard about the play very early on, from the suffering Sasuke nonetheless, camped out for a good day or two to audition. She had asked her mother about the play, and was incredibly happy to find out that such a part like Juliet existed.

"Oh...to be able to kiss Sasuke-kun!" she cried in glee when she heard.

"Shanaroo!" said Inner Sakura. "Sasuke will finally be mine! Kukukukukukuku!"

Her laugh was oddly like Orochimaru's. Hn.

A little nervous, but excitedly, Sakura went up to the stage. She had in her hand a copy of _Romeo and Juliet_. She had spent all night memorizing all of Juliet's lines, and she'll be damned if anybody else, especially that "Ino Pig", got the role. She had come too far to back down now! The play would be an excellent way for her to finally win Sasuke's heart!

"Haruno Sakura..." said Tenten as she looked at her clipboard, speaking to Shino. "Member of Team Seven. Pink hair, aqua eyes, standing 4'10" in height. She is auditioning the part of Juliet..." She eyed the quiet director. "Big surprise, ne?" She smirked.

"Alright, Sakura. Go ahead," spoke Iruka with a smile.

The pink haired took a big breath, and did her lines.

"Oh Romeo, Romeo...Wherefore art thou, Romeo...Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I will no longer be a Capulet..." She took a pause and continued. "Tis but thy name that is my enemy; Thou art thyself...um...though not a Montague...What's Montague...It is nor hand, nor foot, nor any other part belonging to a man...Oh, be some other name! What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet; So Romeo would, were he not Romeo called, retain that dear perfection..." She went all gooey at the thought of Sasuke. "Which he owes without that title. Romeo, doff thy name...And for that name which is no part of thee, take all myself..."

"Ah. Thank you, Sakura," said Shino.

"Did I get the part?"

"We'll get back to you," said Tenten, looking at her.

Sakura scoffed a bit. "And why are _you_ here, Tenten?"

Tenten looked up. "I am the stage manager. I get a call in casting. Now, please...get off the stage."

"But I want to know if I got the part!"

"We'll get back to you!"

"But I want to know!"

"How about I tell you that you didn't get it!"

"Why not?"

The two men sweat-dropped at the two Konoha kunoichi started to argue. "Sakura...I think maybe you should just check back with us later...We'll post up the casting listing later," said Iruka with a nervous smile, stopping the two girls from bickering anymore.

_It's going to be a long day..._thought Shino as Sakura made her way off the stage, glaring at Tenten.

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Hinata poked her fingers together nervously. She had never acted before, but knew this would be a great way to change herself. But secretly, she hoped that Naruto would be auditioning too.

_I hope I get to act along with Naruto-kun..._she thought with a small blush.

Of course, Hinata did not come alone. No...She had dragged Kiba along with her. When she had first suggested the idea to Kiba, after hearing from Shino that the play was going to take place, the Inuzuka heir refused absolutely. He refused to work under Shino! No way! But Hinata always had her way. A pouty look, those begging eyes, and Kiba became putty in her hands.

Kiba cursed as he stood behind Hinata in the line. "Damn...I can't believe I'm doing this." He turned to Hinata, sweat-dropping. "I hate you..."

"B-but...Kiba-kun..." However Hinata's retort was cut off by an angry yell that came off the stage.

"INO! GET OFF THE STAGE!"

"NO! I WANT THE PART OF JULIET!"

"DAMMIT, GET OFF THE STAGE!"

Kiba looked down the line and to the two girls on the stage, who seemed to be having an all-out war. _Girls...I will never understand them,_ he thought. _They're all insane. Hinata's a little better, but..._ His train of thoughts was cut short as a Kunai went whipping past his head.

"NEXT TIME I WON'T MISS!" shouted Tenten.

"You miss?" asked Shino quietly. Tenten glared at him.

"Shut up."

Kiba shook his head as Akamaru whimpered. "It's okay, Akamaru. I know they're scary. Mom says it's just a phase...I hope doesn't last too long."

"Arf! Arf!"

"Yeah, I know...there isn't a lot of guys here. I really should stop doing whatever Hinata asks of me..."

"Arf! Arf! Arf!"

"Yeah...I am a bit of a push-over around her..."

"Arf!"

"Really?" Kiba looked down the line. The puppy was right; he wasn't the only guy auditioning for this play. In fact, Kiba was surprised to see quite a few others down the line. Actually, a lot of guys.

Behind him and Hinata in the line were Naruto, who was planning on audition the play because...well, and I quote, "bastard Sasuke was in it!", end quote. And anybody who knew the whole rivalry thing between knew that Naruto was auditioning because, well, he wasn't going to lose to Sasuke at anything. Including this stupid play by some dead guy.

Behind the blonde kitsune were Shikamaru and Chouji, both having to come...well...It wasn't exactly their choice. They were forced to do it by Ino.

A little more down the line, Kiba saw shocked to see Neji, who supported rather angry and disgruntle look on his normally emotionless face. He stood between Gai and Lee. Kiba wondered what possibility could have made Hyuuga Neji audition for Romeo and Juliet. After thinking about it for a few moments, he actually really didn't want to know. Having Neji audition was scary enough.

Kiba was also surprised to see a lot of other Jounins besides Gai audition. Gai audition because...well...He was Gai. The fuzzy-eye browed sensei had heard Kakashi had refused to be in the play, and _he_ became determined to be in the play and beat his long time rival. And he would succeed! Or he would run around the village a trillion times. Note that this was supposed to be Sasuke's punishment originally.

Of course Gai was wrong about this. In fact, Kakashi was also down the line, reading his Icha Icha Paradise, standing next to Jiraiya, who was writing his Icha Icha Paradise. Further long the line was Shiranui Genma, Izumo and Kotetsu (who were joined at the hip), Ebisu, and Asuma. Of course, there were also women, like the scary dango eating Jounin, Anko, and Kiba's own sensei, Kurenai.

Tenten seemed to notice this too as she felt Gai and Lee's presence, greatly due to the sound of their voices and the whole "ping" thing, which to this day she did not understand.

"Why are so many Jounins here?" she asked.

"They're forced..." replied Shino.

And he was right on the money.

Tsunade, who _knew_ no guy would be auditioning for the play unless they were gay and had some odd fascination with Shakespeare like Shino did, gave all the Jounins an A class mission. And that is...to audition for this play. Of course many of them had refused to, but they found themselves with no choice when Tsunade threatened to cut their pay by 50%. Now, Konoha's Jounins get paid as low as it is, that's why Kakashi, Kurenai, Asuma, and the others took on jobs as instructors. They needed the cash. Quite badly in fact.

Neji didn't care about money. As he listened, with a stone face, to Gai and Lee's rather annoying talks, the white-eyed shinobi found himself wondering why he was doing this? Was this what fate had planned for him? No. This was not fate. This was sick demented torture. The Hyuuga had heard that Sasuke had been blackmailed into playing Romeo. He knew how the Uchiha felt, as he, too, was blackmailed into auditioning.

The side of Neji's mouth twitched. He cannot believe that he was now under the control of a hormonal teenage girl. But this was the case, and he could not get out of it.

You see...Neji had a secret. A deep, dark secret that he hasn't told _anyone_, and would have most likely taken to his grave. Except for the fact that someone found out. Oh no, he wasn't a closet pervert, using his Byakuugan to stare at girl's panties. That's just sick. No...it was a much, much more...how should I say this? Disturbing secret. No that kind you sick yaoi pervs.

He still remembered what had happened that day. He was training in the forest when he saw Tenten, sitting on a tree branch, smiling rather...scarily. It was one of _those_ smiles. Neji had known the young weapons master for a quite a long time. He always thought of her as the more _normal_ member of his team. But he was too late to realize how rather...ahem, sadistic she was.

The brown-eyed girl smiled down at him from the tree branch. She took out from her holster a picture, and threw it down to Neji. The white-eyed teenager caught the picture, eyeing Tenten with suspicion. However, his eyes widened in shock that was rather rare on his face.

"When—how—where? How did you get this?"

"Oh, I have my ways," she replied simply. "You can keep that one. I have _a lot_ more copies where that came from!"

This was blackmail. He gritted his teeth slightly as he crushed the picture in his hand. "What do you want?"

"You know that play that's going on? There's not going to be a lot of guys...sooo...I want you to audition."

"And if I say no?"

She smiled, sending shivers down Neji's spine. No you fluff loving lunatics, not in that way. No...This was a shiver that was caused by fear. A fear Neji was not accustomed to at all. "That picture will be around Konoha before you can use your Byakuugan!"

He growled, knowing he could do nothing about it. "Fine..." he replied, muttering under his breath, "...stupid onna..."

"I heard that!"

And now he was stuck, auditioning for some stupid play (with his freakishly eye-browed sensei, and apparently his clone), all because of that stupid...

Neji cursed.

Stupid onna.

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_To be continued..._

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**End Note:** Bwuahahaha! The auditions are not over yet. I'll have the second part up ASAP. This would have been a really long chapter if I kept it as only one. There's still a lot left. I am actually having a lot of fun writing this. But please understand my humour isn't "funny haha", it's more an odd, sadistic evil, sarcastic humour. ::smiles:: Or whatever I come up with on a sugar, or tea, high. ::beams at Miya-chan:: Everybody has to thank her! She's a saint! One, for putting up with me, and two, for helping me with casting and betaing this for me. ::does the happy dance::

_The play seems to be driving people off the deep end. And how is Shino going to get through this insanity? Who ever knew Tenten was a scary dictatorial freak? And why is Jiraiya auditioning? What is Neji getting blackmailed for? But the most important question is, whose going to get what part? And will Sasuke be able to handle the actor/actress for Juliet? Will they survive this ordeal? Find out in the next chapter of **Shakespeare Lives**!_

**Jia's Special Message:**

::does the happy dance:: I get to go to CN! I get to go to CN! Whoopie! If you are attending CN Anime in Toronto this August, I'll be there advertising **Shakespeare Lives** and **Kaze to Konoha**! Hope to see you all there! ::gets dragged off to an asylum by Miya-chan:: BWUAHAHAHAHAHA! I will give a cookie to the person who correctly guesses who is going to play the part of...dum dum dum...THE NURSE! ::smiles sheepishly:: I'm high on tea...REVIEW PLEASE!

**Miya-chan's Message: **

To all of u who wanted this next chapter. Here it is. Thanks to me and my constant bugging and overactive imagination that runs 24/7, I got the authoress over there to write this chapter in a few hours, casting done as well. ::grins evilly:: Tenten as a dictator is something I've always wanted and I had a blast making sure Jia made her that way. She's the only aggressive kunoichi in Konoha so she fits the bill. Plus that's my inner sadisticness in her. BWAHAHA! To add to Jia's offer, I too will give a cookie to who ever gets the character of the ever loveable Mercutio. Review guys and I'll bother the authoress for the next chapter. nn

© August, 2004 by Jia Zhang. Edited by Miyako Yamada. All rights reserved.


	3. The Auditions : Part II

**Author's Note:** ::cough:: I have to confess, I have a great urge to turn this into a Naru/Sasu fic. But, due to the fact that I want to keep my sanity for the time being, I am not going to. ::eye twitch:: The last chapter didn't have a lot of auditions, this one does. If I miss someone, please excuse me ::cough::. I seriously lack energy and stamina, both, which I usually have a lot of. Anyways, thanks again to my wonderful beta and muse Miya-chan.

**Pairings: **None that I have as of yet. But who knows? Bugging me may get one...::shrugs::

**Disclaimer: **::looks at documents:: I'm being sued? Oh, it's just a court warning. ::glares at lawyers:: How many times do I have to say I don't own Naruto! But I do own a bag of ramen, and you won't take that away from me!

**Warning:** Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive use of Mr. Shakespeare.

* * *

_**Shakespeare Lives**_

By Jia Zhang

* * *

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_P__art III : The Auditions – Part II_

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* * *

A large portion of the people auditioning had already gone by. The morning did not seem at all promising. There were few, and when I say few I mean _zero_, good actors and actresses. Shino felt like he had gotten himself into major trouble. Supposedly, the play would be commencing in around one month. This was not nearly enough time to whip a pathetic bunch of inexperienced ninjas into grade A class stage actors. With a screaming girl next to him, and his former sensei, who was trying his best to hold on to his sanity while trying to find some aspirin, Shino was praying to the Gods for a miracle. Some kind of miracle. Any kind of miracle...The bug controlling shinobi felt like banging his head against the table, but he didn't want to cause a scene, as he was cool, calm, and reserved. No, he will not panic and scream like a schoolgirl. He was going to do this, and it was going to be a success, dammit!

By Megami-sama's will, he was going to whip these poor excuses for ninjas into the best stage actors this side of the Fire country, or his name isn't Aburame Shino!

_I need coffee...Badly,_ he thought to himself.

Tenten was on the verge of following after Uchiha Itachi's example and just commit mass murder. She had seen bad actor after bad actor for the whole lot of the morning. It was almost noon now. Several kunais were littered across the stage (which was almost completed. The Anbus worked very quickly), care of bad acting, annoying Sasuke fangirls, and her own hormones. It was _that_ time of the month again. Luckily, for the those auditioning, and were just in time to see Tenten blow up, none of those kunais reached any _important_ body part, but was terrifying and painful enough to scare them silly. Tenten wondered what she had gotten herself into?

...Stage manager...she hoped she would get some money out of this, besides the satisfaction of scaring half the population of Konoha.

_Someone's going to die today, _she thought to herself.

Iruka wondered all morning long why he had never noticed his former students were all a bunch of lunatics. Okay, sure, they were exceptional ninjas, but...ah, hell with it...they were just scary! Unfortunately, he couldn't go and finish his work because they had not seen one good actor so far. Several times, they were so bad he had trouble keeping Tenten from killing them (or herself, matter of fact). Iruka was currently regretting to have ever agreed with this at all. He could feel a headache coming, much worse than the ones he usually got.

He hoped desperately that this would be over soon, and that he would leave this place with his sanity intact.

_I need some aspirin,_ he thought to himself.

Respectively, our director, stage manager, and music/costume director, found themselves to be in _way_ over their heads, especially since there weren't any promising actors in this ninja village. One wanted to bang his head against the table, one wanted to commit mass murder, and one wanted to leave with his sanity. Shino, Tenten and their former sensei, were not having a good morning.

Of course, there were others who weren't having a good morning. Kiba found himself auditioning against his will, victim to Hinata's kawaiiness. Shikamaru and Chouji were forced to stand in line, with a terrifying Ino glaring at them. Neji felt like killing himself, care of his freaky sensei, his clone, and a certain kunoichi. Hell, all of the Jounins and a good chunk of the Chuunins were forced to do it as well! Threat of pay cuts was their motivation. And what about Jiraiya? Our dear Ero-Sennin also had his reason for tagging along in this mass of insanity. The only one who seemed intent on getting a part, and had not been forced to audition, was Naruto, who was determined to beat Sasuke one way or the other. Although I don't think he understood the dangers of this play when he decided to audition.

Tsunade's evil laughter could be heard from anywhere within Konoha's boarders. The situation, for her, was not horrible at all. In fact, she was having a delightful time hearing what Shizune had to tell her about the little production.

"Hohohoho...I feel almost sorry for those guys," she giggled rather evilly, sounding like a demented version of Orochimaru, if that was possible. "Almost."

Shizune merely sweat-dropped and grinned at her comrade.

Well, it was not a good morning. And our dear crew was on the edge of insanity, or whatever you call it when you want to bang your head against the wall. Tenten groaned as she looked at her clipboard.

"I wonder how much worse this can get..." she mumbled.

"Much worse," replied Shino.

"Much, much, worse..." added Iruka.

The dark haired kunoichi groaned. "Well, Kiba and Hinata are up next. They're doing a scene together." She sighed. "I hope they're better than the last 160 we just saw..."

Scoffing, Kiba made his way onto the stage, Akamaru on his head, a timid Hinata behind him. "You know, you're the one who got us into this...the least you can do is be a little more forward about it..." he muttered to the white-eyed girl.

Poking her fingers together shyly, Hinata took a little step forward.

A vain popped on Tenten's head, as she tried her best to keep in her...frustration, her Itachi-ness, or whatever you want to call it, in.

"Go on, Hinata," said Iruka, with a smile.

Shino was simply surprised that Hinata auditioned at all. "Okay...Don't worry about it Hinata, you'll do fine," he encouraged.

"Arf, arf!" barked Akamaru.

"Let's...just get this over with," sweat-dropped Tenten. _Why's Shino so nice all of a sudden?_ She looked to him a little suspiciously.

"If I profane with my unworthiest hand," he read from the book. "Uh...This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this...My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand, to smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss..." This said this all with his normal vigor, not at all understanding the language of Mr. Shakespeare.

"Anno...G-good pilgrim, you do wrong your h-hands t-too much," she stuttered, her cheeks beginning to redden due to anxiety. "Which mannerly d-devotion shows in t-this...For s-saints have hands that p-pilgrims' hands do touch, and p-palm to palm, is h-holy palmer's k-kiss..."

"Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?" Kiba turned to the panel. "What the hell does that exactly mean?"

Tenten sweat-dropped. "You don't know what that means?"

"Who does? It's not our language...and it's probably a dead one too."

A vein popped again. "Just read the rest of the lines..."

"A-a-ay, pilgrim, lips that they must use in p-prayer," continued Hinata nervously.

"Oh, then dear saint, let lips do what hands do; they pray – grant thou, lest faith turn to despair."

"S-s-saints do n-not m-move, though grant for prayer's s-sake..."

"Then move not, while prayer's effect I take. Thus from my lips," spoke Kiba, "by yours, my sin is purged..." That's when it hit him like a twenty-toned elephant carrying a piñata full of rocks. Kiba looked at the book suspiciously, then to Hinata, then to the panel. "Do they kiss here?"

"Well duh!" shouted Tenten.

"Oh..." said Kiba; he turned to Hinata, who was now blushing, red as a gigantic tomato. Her pastel eyes looked up at him, before she turned away nervously. "Ah geez," groaned Kiba.

"I think that's it for th– " said Iruka with a nervous smile, but cut off by Tenten.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" shouted an exasperated Tenten, having cracked once again, and unable to contain her ...uh...murderous instinct. "Get off the stage! Next, next, next! Argh!" She grabbed her head in frustration. "They all suck!"

"Hey! Urusai, you kuso onna! I don't see you trying bun-head!" Kiba shouted back.

"Bun-head!? Shut up, you baka dog freak!" retorted Tenten. She sneezed, apparently allergic to the puppy sitting on Kiba's head (she forgot to take her allergy medicine this morning). "And get that mutt away from me!"

"Dog freak!? How dare you call Akamaru a mutt, you crazed lunatic!" The two glared at each other.

Shino sweat-dropped as Hinata looked onto the situation nervously, Iruka shaking his head exasperatedly. "K-Kiba-kun, don't fight with Tenten-chan...Let's just go..." said the white-eyed girl.

"Arf!"

"Fine..." said Kiba, still a slave to Hinata's cuteness. However, before leaving the stage, he shot another glare at Tenten, who gladly returned it.

"You know," Iruka spoke to Tenten. "If you're going to act like this to everyone, people are going to be too freaked out to audition."

"Let's just hope there will be good people auditioning for this thing," she replied.

A couple auditions later, and finally after someone died...Well, not literally. To make a long story short, Tenten got angry, threw a kunai, kunai hit the floor, kunai broke the floor, the floor went boom, and...well, I think you can guess the rest.

Thank Megami-sama for Medic-Nins...

Anyways, as I was saying before, a couple auditions and one near-death later, Naruto made his way on to the stage, fully prepared, a kitsune grin lit his face. This was his chance to show up Sasuke! He was not going to lose to that kuso teme! Naruto had worked very hard on practicing for this play, and he was going to get a part. Dammit, he was going to get one! Which part, he wasn't sure yet.

"And the next is...Oh dear God, not him!" groaned Tenten the moment she read the clipboard.

_Poor Naruto. I hope he'll be okay...I hope Tenten doesn't hurt him too badly..._thought Iruka worriedly.

_I wonder what 'kaa-san is making for dinner_, thought Shino to himself.

Tenten flopped her head down on the table. "Please...just go on..." She felt like crying. "I can't take this anymore."

Iruka smiled nervously as Naruto stuck his tongue out at her. "Alright, let's hear it Naruto."

"YOSH!" said the blonde.

He flipped opened the playbook, clearing his throat. "Ahem...I am hurt...A plague o' both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone, and hath nothing...Ay, ay, a scratch, a scratch; marry, 'tis enough..." He clutched his side, pretending he was bleeding, his face contorting to give a pained smile. "No...'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve...Ask for me to-morrow, and you shall find me a grave man." He laughed painfully. "I am peppered...I, warrant, for this world. A plague o' both your houses! 'Zounds, a dog, a rat, a mouse, a cat...to scratch a man to death..." He took a deep breath, pretending to be suffering. "A braggart! A rogue, a villain, that fights by the book of arithmetic!" He hitched his breath. "Why the devil you cam between us? I was hurt under your arm..."

Stopping, he smiled. He had practiced those lines all day, and he was sure he got them right. He blinked at the panel. "Ah...are you guys okay?"

Mouths dropped to the floor, Shino, Tenten and Iruka stared at him in shock, their eyes popping out of their sockets. They were shocked. Actually, more like immensely stunned by Naruto's _perfect_ performance of Mercutio.

"He's good..." Shino finally spoke up.

"He's very good..." said Iruka.

"He's supremely good..." said Tenten.

"Where did you learn to act like that, Naruto?" asked Iruka.

The blonde stuck out his tongue, a smile on his face. "Dunno..." Everybody sweat-dropped.

"Doesn't matter where he learned it!" shouted Tenten. "Goddammit, he's the best we've seen all day!"

"So do I get a part?" shouted Naruto excitedly.

Tenten opened her mouth to say that he would get the part of Mercutio, but a hand came up to cover her mouth. Shino's to be precise. "Mwmwmwmwwhmmm!"

"You did a great job...We'll get back to you..."

"Okay...Ja ne, Iruka-sensei!" And he bounced off the stage happily. Iruka waved.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR!?" shouted Tenten, after Shino removed his hand from her mouth once Naruto left the stage. Their former sensei jumped a little in his seat. "HE'S THE BEST WE'VE SEEN TODAY! WE SHOULD JUST GIVE HIM MERCUTIO'S PART NOW! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?"

"Tenten, calm down!" said Iruka.

"CALM DOWN!?" She puffed. "I will not calm down! We just lost the best actor we've seen all day! What if he falls under an ambush? What if he's sent on a mission? What if he eats something poisonous, you damn know he's stupid enough to do it! What if he--"

"Tenten, stop! Naruto will be fine...I'm sure Shino has a good reason for not giving Naruto the part..." Iruka turned to the sunglass-wearing shinobi. "Right?"

"We should see all the others soon before we make a decision on who plays what role."

Tenten growled. "Fine...But don't do that again..."

"How did you go from a nice kunoichi to a banshee?" asked Shino innocently.

She glared at him. "Urusai..."

A few more auditions and yet another near-death incident later...Yes, once again someone really got on Tenten's nerves. This "death" was a lot more painful than the other one, since a bunch of ANBUs had to hold the dark-haired kunoichi back (they were still a bit angry at the kunoichi for destroying their sweat-and-hard-work made stage. Poor ANBUs and their stage). Anyways, a little while later Shikamaru and Chouji made their way onto the stage to audition. Why were _they_ auditioning, well, that was the exact question the rest of the panel was thinking.

Shino quirked an eyebrow. "Why are the two of you auditioning?"

Both of them pointed left. Shino, Tenten and Iruka turned to see a very scary looking Ino glaring at them. "Oh..." said the panel together. "Well that explains it."

"Che...this sucks," said Shikamaru.

"She even took away all my snacks!" cried Chouji in horrendous pain and suffering.

"Yeah, well, tell it to someone else...I really don't care," said Tenten. "Just go already..."

"You know, you should be a little more sensitive to other people's pain..." said Chouji.

"Well, I relish in other people's pain," replied Tenten.

Everybody sweat-dropped. An odd silence followed.

"All right, just go," spoke Shino at least, breaking the awkward silence.

Shikamaru rolled his eyes in annoyance. _Che...I wouldn't even be doing this if it wasn't for Ino..._He glanced over at the blonde, who was glaring heatedly at the panel...or more precisely, some_one_ on the panel. _Geez, I need to learn how to say no to that girl... How troublesome..._

Chouji, on the other hand, was almost in tears. _My chips, my chips, my chips, my chips...She took away my chips! _

"Gregory, oh my word, we'll not carry coals," spoke Shikamaru tiredly.

"No, for then we should be " Chouji examined the word closer. ..."

A vein popped on Tenten's head. Yet again.

Iruka wondered if he should have focused a little more on teaching his students how to read back when they were in the academy.

Shino wondered why he ever volunteered for this...Oh yeah! He had an obsession with ..." Chouji was still having trouble with the word.

"COLLIER!" Tenten finally shouted.

"Oh...um...No, for then we should be ," recited Chouji.

"I mean, an we be in choler, we'll draw."

"Ah, while you live, draw your neck out of the collar..."

"No, no...it's _draw your neck out **o' **the collar_, not _out **of**__the collar_," corrected Shino.

"But that doesn't make sense...Why not just say _out **of**_instead of the _o'_...?" asked Chouji.

"Because that's the way it is! Now shut up, and just recite the damn lines!" shouted Tenten, eyes glaring. If she were an Uchiha, you'd see blood red Sharingan eyes spinning, but of course Tenten wasn't an Uchiha, but her normal chocolate brown eyes were still scary, causing the rest of the panel and the two auditioners to cringe.

"I strike quickly, being moved," continued Shikamaru.

"But though are not quickly moved to strike..."

"That's _thou art not quickly move to strike_, not _though are not quickly move to strike_..." spoke Shino.

"Uh...but thou art not quickly moved to strike," continued on Chouji.

"A dog of the house of Montague moves me," said Shikamaru. He turned to the panel, book still in hand. "There. We're done."

All three panel judges look at the two in shock. No...not the shock you're thinking...

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT!?" shouted Tenten. She lunged at the two, but was held back by Iruka. "LET ME AT 'EM! LET ME AT 'EM!"

"Tenten, calm down, please!" cried Iruka as he tried his best to restrain his former student.

Shino scooted his chair a little away from them. He turned to the other two, signaling them to leave as Iruka struggled to keep Tenten restrained. Chouji and Shikamaru beat it outta there as fast as they could, away from Tenten, and Ino too.

The bug controlling shinobi sighed depressingly, and sighed again around half-an-hour later, after the little fiasco with Chouji and Shikamaru. The Medic-Nins were soon going to ask Tsunade for over-time; they carried out yet another person out on a stretcher. The poor girl (a Sasuke fangirl by the way) had the unfortunate _fate_, as Neji would say, of auditioning and arguing with Tenten, who had completely cracked and chucked _something_ at the poor girl, knocking her out cold. She might have had a concussion, but neither the author nor the Medic-Nins know exactly how hard Tenten threw the...said object at her...but a twenty toned weight thingy was later found in the vicinity.

Speaking of Neji, as Shino checked the list for who would be auditioning next (Iruka was _still _trying to calm Tenten down), he noticed that it read...

**Audition # 221: Hyuuga Neji (Age 13, Gennin)**

Behind his dark sunglasses, Shino blinked curiously at the name, as the one and only Hyuuga Neji made his way onto the stage. _Now what in Megami-sama's name would make **him**__of all people audition for this play? _Shino thought.

The Hyuuga looked very angry. Very upset. Very pissed-off. And very...well...what's the word to describe when you feel like you want to jump into a pool full of leeches and let them suck your blood dry? Suicidal tendencies? Masochistic behavior? Hmmm...Dunno...Well, the fact was Neji did feel like jumping into a pool full of leeches and letting them suck his blood dry. Hell, it would be hell of _a lot_ kinder than what he was going through now.

He glared hatefully (tried to anyways) at Tenten. The dark-haired kunoichi look away from Iruka's consoling to see the white-eye youth. A rather...sinister smile came onto her face. "Yay! Neji-kuun, you came!" she spoke rather happily. She blew him a little kiss, but he just glared at her some more.

_I wonder what's going on between these two?_ Iruka thought.

_She's up to no good..._thought Shino. _She got Neji to audition...I'm sure of it. But how? _One word suddenly popped into his head. **_Blackmail_**. Just like Sasuke, Shino was sure somehow Tenten was blackmailing Neji to audition. The only thing was, what was Tenten using to blackmail the _oh so powerful _Hyuuga Neji?

"I hate you..." Neji growled at her.

Tenten waved her hand. "Oh foo...Don't be like that."

"I hate you," he repeated.

"No, you don't..."

"I hate you..."

"What's going on with you two?" asked Iruka.

"Nothing," they said in union.

"Oh, Neji, just go on already...It's not that bad." She smiled at him.

"Fine...stupid onna." Neji took out the little book, flipped to an anonymous page, and began to read. "Yes, madam: yet I cannot choose but laugh, to think it should leave crying and say 'Ay.' And yet, I warrant, it had upon its brow, a bump as big as a young cockerel's stone; a parlous knock; and it cried bitterly: 'Yea,' quoth my husband, fall'st upon thy face?  
Thou wilt fall backward when thou comest to age; Wilt thou not, Jule? It stinted and said 'Ay.'" He said this all...through a very loud, angry voice, not at all understanding what he had just said. And when I mean not at all, I mean **NOT AT ALL**!

Now, let me explain why this is so significant. You see, for those who lack an understanding of Shakespeare knowledge, this was said by the Nurse to Juliet. To summarize what it means...Well, the nurse, a bubbly character was talking about how once Juliet fell on her butt, and her husband told her to fall on her face till she _came of age_. Meaning...ahem...Shall I be blunt here? I think thy shall. It meant for her to fall on her face till _the night of she'd lose her virginity_. I think you get my drift.

Of course, the panel understood this. They had to; they were the panel. But, Neji was not aware that the Nurse was talking about a girl losing her virginity. He just read. And now, Tenten, Iruka and Shino looked to him in utter shock.

"Neji...you...stupid...idiot!" cried Tenten. "What the hell was that? Did you even know what you just read! You read the part where Juliet's Nurse said something about Juliet losing her virginity!"

"How the hell was I supposed to know? I just read! You didn't tell me what to read! And I didn't want to do this in the first place!" shouted back Neji.

"IT WASN'T YOUR CHOICE! I TOLD YOU TO DO AT LEAST A HALF-ARSE JOB!"

"WELL, I WOULDN'T EVEN BE DOING THIS, IF IT WASN'T FOR THAT STUPID P—" He suddenly stopped himself.

"Stupid what?" asked Shino.

"Nothing..." said Neji, looking away.

"That's right...Nothing," gloated Tenten. She smiled at him rather...pleasantly...or evilly, whichever one you like. "Well, we'll get back to you Neji-kuun!" she spoke in a singsong voice.

Neji growled some more before descending off the stage. Tenten simply smiled and waved after him. "What did you blackmail him with?" whispered Shino quietly.

"Ooooh! Very observant of you, Shino-kun. Tell you later. Even _you_ are going to crack up when you hear this..."

"Hear what?" spoke Iruka.

"What Tenten is using to blackmail Neji with..."

"Tenten!"

"It's nothing...Iruka-sensei...Trust me. It's actually quite funny...Besides, Hokage-sama is blackmailing Sasuke ..."

"You do have a point there...But blackmailing is still wrong!"

"...But oh so much fun..."

"..."

"..."

"Hey! It's true!" She pouted a little. "Well, anyways..." She flipped the pages of her clipboard. "Next audition is..." Her eyes bulged out and her face paled, as a look of utter fear came over her visage. "Oh dear God...No...Not _them_...Anybody but them!"

"**_TENTEN_!**"

Gai and his clone, who is also known as Rock Lee...er..._pinged_ at the panel, successfully blinding them for about a quarter of an hour.

Iruka sweat-dropped. Shino's vein popped. And Tenten...She was on the verge of tears. "No...not them...Sensei! Lee! What are you two doing here?!"

"We are here to audition for the play!" replied Gai.

"Well...obviously...But...but why are you auditioning?"

"Because...because!" Lee turned to his sensei. "Why are we auditioning, Gai-sensei?"

"We shall lend our brilliant skills to Konoha! We must help boost moral! Youth power!"

"Yosh!" said Lee, thrusting his fist into the air with his...sensei...

Iruka and Shino continued to sweat-drop as Goosebumps began to appear on their skin. And Tenten...well, she was bawling her eyes out, crying on Iruka's shoulder. "There, there," he consoled.

"Why...Why..." she whimpered, continuing to sob.

"Gai-sensei, Lee-san, why don't you two just go on with your lines," commented Shino as Iruka patted Tenten, comforting the poor girl, who only a while ago was on a rampage.

"All right!" the two shouted in union, causing Tenten to cry even more.

"Romeo! My cousin Romeo!" shouted Lee. No, it wasn't acting, just shouting.

"He is wise; and, on my life, hath stolen him home to bed!" replied Gai.

"He ran this way, and leaped this or-chard wall! Call, good Mercutio!"

They pranced around the stage...er...acting? Or were they just being themselves? The panel does not know, and neither does the author.

"Nay!" continued Gai. "I'll conjure too!" He waved his arms dramatically. "Romeo! Humours! Madman! Passion! Lover! Appear though in the likeness of a sigh..." Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you looked at it), Tenten's tears (very loud tears) over powered the sound of Gai's voice as he said the lines, which was pretty long. "...And the demesnes that there adjacent lie, that in thy likeness though appear to us!"

"And if he hear thee, thou wilt anger him."

"This connate anger him! T'would anger him to raise a spirit in his mistress' circle of some strange nature, letting it there stand! ...Till she had laid it and conjured it down!" Some more prancing. "That were some spite: my invocation is fair and honest, and his mistress' name I conjured only but to raise up him!"

Lee look up admiringly at his sensei. "Gai-sensei, you're such a good actor!"

"Thank you, Lee! Work hard and you shall be as well!"

"Gai-sensei!"

"Lee!"

Sunset, rocks and big waves, they embraced. Iruka sweat-dropped, feeling the Goosebumps intensify on his body. Shino felt, once again, like banging his head against the wall. And Tenten...well...

"Oh my Megami-sama! Tenten!" Iruka had then suddenly turned to see Tenten passed out on the floor. She had apparently fallen backwards on her chair. Both Iruka and Shino rushed to her side, as did Gai and Lee.

"Tenten!" they shouted in union, worriedly. "Are you okay?"

"What happened?" Shino asked.

"I don't know," replied Iruka. "I looked over, and she was on the ground. Poor thing..."

"The world is full of fluffy marshmallows and pink polka dots..." she mumbled dreamily, her eyes unfocused.

"Tenten! Can you hear us?" shouted Lee.

"...the moon is made from Swiss cheese and tastes like vanilla ice-cream in the winter..."

"I think she's really out of it..." Shino turned to Gai and Lee. "We'll look after her. You guys can go. The casting list will be up in about two days..."

"But-but..."

"Don't worry about it; we'll take care of her...She should come around soon..."

Still a little skeptical, but listening to Shino's words, the two...green beasts of Konoha left the stage. "Tenten...you okay?" asked the bug using shinobi.

"Unicorns are made from chocolate and flamingos are blue..."

"No...she's still out of it..." said Iruka. "Poor thing...Seeing them must have pushed her over the edge."

"Iruka-sensei, maybe we should take a break. It is lunch. Best we resume the auditions after Tenten is...herself again..."

* * *

"How embarrassing..." said Tenten as she got a glass of water from the water cooler. Moments ago, she had been awakened by Shino, who told her what had happened. "But those two...Why did they have to be here? Why, why, why!?" She sighed and drank the cool liquid. "And I thought I could get away from those two if I were in this production...But apparently, no..." She drank some more of the liquid. "I can't take anymore auditions..."

Suddenly, Tenten felt a hug of her pants. She turned to see Konohamaru, Moegi, and Udon standing by her side. _Kawaii!_ Tenten thought, but didn't let it show. Hey, being around Neji you learn a thing or two.

"Yes...?"

"Anno...Tenten-neechan...we were wondering..." said Konohamaru. _Kawaii! _she thought again. we help out with the play?" Moegi and Udon nodded in agreement.

Tenten sweat-dropped. _Not more auditioners! _her mind shouted. "...Go ask Shino..." she replied before stalking back towards the panel. "I can't take anymore auditions..."

"Are you all right now?" asked Iruka once she got back to the table.

"No..." she whimpered. "...But what can I do...?"

"Don't worry, it'll be over soon..." said Shino.

And once again they began the auditioning of _Romeo and Juliet_. Poor Iruka, Shino and Tenten...how they suffer...

The rest of the auditions went by much smoother than before (perhaps it was because of the fact that Tenten no longer held an urge to massacre all living things, or maybe it was the fact that save for the Sasuke fangirls, the acting was getting better). Izumo and Kotetsu had a scene together, and were quite good.

"Wonder who's uke?" whispered Tenten when they had auditioned.

"Izumo, hands down," replied Iruka.

"..."

"Oh? How so?" spoke the dark haired kunoichi.

"Kotetsu's more aggressive..."

"Hmm...True..."

"..."

"And there's the height rule..."

"How much is Kotetsu-san taller by?"

"An inch or half..."

"That's not too much."

"Still taller! Taller seme, shorter uke..."

"..."

"Don't look at us like that, Shino."

A little while later, Genma, Kurenai and Anko auditioned together, doing a tragic scene where Lord Capulet forces Juliet to marry Paris. The panel found them to have done a brilliant job, and was quite thankful they decided to audition (the panel had just scene a group of Sasuke fangirls before...and it was not pretty).

"Wow...a threesome...I wonder if Genma-san has enough stamina..." giggled Iruka with a sly grin.

Tenten snickers and whispers back, "I bet he can go all night...He _is_ a Jounin..." _Now if only _someone_ had enough stamina...oh the possibilities..._

"..."

"What?" the two said in union, looking innocently at the bug using shinobi.

Speaking of pervertedness, a couple of auditions later, Hatake Kakashi made his way onto the stage, whilst reading his Icha Icha Paradise. He looked up. "Yo, Tenten, Shino...Iruka-_sensei_..."

"Hm...I thought you'd be late..." commented Iruka.

"Ah, only if I have to meet someone somewhere. Waiting in line...doesn't let you be late."

"Okay then, why don't you do your lines..." spoke Shino.

"Sou da...He jests at scars that never felt a wound..." Kakashi began. "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? It is the east, and Juliet is the sun...Arise, fair sun, and _kill_ the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief, that thou her maid art far more fair than she...Be not her maid, since she is envious...Her vestal livery is but sick and green, and none but fools do wear it; cast it off!" He waved his hand, as it to cast something away. "It is my lady, oh, it is my love!"

Kakashi looks directly at Iruka.

"Oh, that she knew she were! She speaks, yet she says nothing; what of that? Her eye discourses; I will answer it..." He looks down slightly. "I am too bold, 'tis not to me she speaks. Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven, having some business, do entreat her eyes to twinkle in their spheres till they return. What if her eyes were there, they in her head? ...the brightness of her cheek would _shame_ those stars! As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven would through the airy region stream so bright that birds would _sing_ and think it were not night. See how she leans her cheek upon her hand! Oh, that I were a glove upon that hand, that I might touch that cheek..."

The three panelists stare at Kakashi in awe. The silver haired Jounin winked at Iruka, causing him to blush like a red tomato, as Tenten burst into tears. "That was beautiful!" she cried. "So romantic!"

"Yes...very well done..." added Shino.

"K-Kakashi-san...that was spoken very heart-warmingly..." commented Iruka, still blushing.

"Ah, well," smiled the Jounin. "I was thinking about _someone_..."

Iruka blushed some more. Tenten eyed them suspiciously. "Iruka-sensei? Are you okay?"

"Yes! Fine!" said Iruka. "Kakashi-san, that was...um...really very good...The casting list will be up in two days. We'll get back to you..."

"All right...Ja..." Opening his Icha Icha Paradise again, Kakashi left the stage, but not before sending Iruka a smile (from under his mask) and another wink.

"Okay, what was that about?" Tenten turned to Iruka, eyeing him suspiciously.

"Nothing! Absolutely nothing!"

"Liar!"

"_Really_! It's nothing!"

"Are you two going out or something?"

"W-w-what!?" cried Iruka incredulously. "N-no! What makes you say that?"

"You were ogling him."

"I was not!"

"Were too!"

"Was not!"

"Hey, I'm not saying he's a bad choice. I really wonder what he looks like underneath the mask...I heard people say that he's quite handsome...Really, are you _not_ going out with him?"

"...N-no!"

"What was with the pause?"

"Nothing! There was no pause!"

"Yes, there was!"

"Oh, will you two please just stop this!" Shino shouted (not very loudly though), vein popping. "We have more demanding issues to face, like watching the rest of the auditions? And Tenten, does it really matter if Iruka-sensei is going out with Kakashi-sensei?"

"But I wanna know if they're shacking up..."

"Tenten!"

"..."

"But I wanna know!"

Shino smacked a hand to his forehead. _We're never going to get through this..._ "Whatever...It doesn't matter. Let's just move on to the next audition...Who's up next?"

"Um..." Tenten slipped the page. "Up next is..." Her eyes widened. "Jiraiya-sama..."

"Yes! It is I! Super Pervert, the Frog Hermit, Master Author of Icha Icha Paradise! (A best seller, by the way) I am here to audition!" He did his pose.

Iruka, Tenten and Shino looked at him in utter shock. "What?" he asked innocently.

"W-w-w-what are you doing here Jiraiya-sama?" asked Iruka.

"Yeah, that's what I was wondering..." said Tenten.

"Auditioning of course!"

"But why are you auditioning...?" said Iruka.

"Well...You see...there is a drive behind what every person does...Money, power, knowledge, love...And I too, have a drive. And this drive motivates me to audition for this play, to help Tsunade and Konoha! Hahahaha!"

"...Hokage-sama threatened to close all the bathhouses..." spoke up Shino.

Jiraiya paled. Iruka and Tenten sweat-dropped. "Oh...How noble..."

"Yes! That is my drive!" said Jiraiya, tears streaming from his eyes. "She threatened to close all the bathhouses with the lovely girls...if I didn't audition. No more inspiration then...No more Icha Icha Paradise..."

"Oh what an awful world that would be..." said Tenten sarcastically.

"Yes...it would..."

The three panelists sweat-dropped. "Just...go on..." spoke Shino.

"The gray-eyed morn smiles on the frowning night, chequering the eastern clouds with the streaks of light..." Jiraiya spoke. "And fleckled darkness like a drunkard reels from forth day's path and Titan's fiery wheels. Now, ere the sun advance his burning eye, the day to cheer and night's dank dew to dry...I must up-fill this osier case of ours with a baleful weeds and precious juiced flowers...The Earth that's nature's mother is her tomb; What is her burying grave that is her womb...And from her womb children of divers kind, we sucking on her natural bosom find...none but for some and yet all different..."

"That was very well done, Jiraiya-sama," spoke up Shino.

"Yeah...I'll say..." said a surprised Tenten.

Jiraiya's eyes curved into half-moons as he chuckled. "Hehehe..." _Yes! I am going to get a part! Tsunade won't be able to close the bathhouses. My hot babes...Jiraiya will not be far away..._

"...But, we'll have to get back to you...The casting list will be up in about two days," spoke up Tenten, leaning on her hand.

"What! No, no! I need a part! Otherwise..." Jiraiya's mind floated to the possibility of no longer seeing sexy girls bathing.

"Noooo! What a horrible disaster! Please, give me a part!"

"We'll get back to you!" shouted Tenten. Iruka and Shino sweat-dropped at her loud out-burst. "For that pathetic reason alone we shouldn't even give you a part! How perverted, peeping at girls bathing! It's traumatized me enough to never go to a bathhouse again!"

"You're one to talk..." muttered Shino.

"What did you say!?"

"Nothing..."

"How am I perverted?"

"Did I say that?"

"No...But that's what you meant! I am not perverted!"

"Then why did you want to know if Iruka-sensei was, and I quote, shacking up with Kakashi-sensei...?"

Jiraiya looked to Iruka. "Oh, Iruka, you're shacking up with Kakashi?"

"W-what? No!" He blushed crimson

"So what?" said the kunoichi. "I was curious!"

"..."

"That doesn't mean I'm perverted, Shino-kun!"

"I didn't say you were..."

"But that's what you meant!"

"...Right..."

"Don't take that tone with me!"

Iruka and Jiraiya sweat-dropped. "Um...Maybe you should go...These two are going to take a while. The list will be up in a little bit...I'm sure Hokage-sama...umm...didn't mean she was really going to close down the bathhouses..." said Iruka.

"Well...I hope you're right...Oh, what disaster that would be!" He sobbed his way off the stage. Suddenly, Jiraiya turned and smile rather...pervertedly at Iruka. "Oh, and I hope you _do_ shack up with Kakashi!"

"J-J-Jiraiya-sama!"

"I AM NOT PERVERTED, SHINO!"

"Didn't say you were..."

"Argh! You're impossible!"

For the rest of the afternoon, all of the auditioners had gone by, including the mountains of Sasuke-fangirls. The panel went through some good actors...some bad actors...and some super bad actors. All in all, Iruka, Tenten and Shino got through the rest of the afternoon alive, sane, and had caused only one or two uproars, and a couple casualties. But hey, this was the land of ninjas and over-sized animals; you were bound to get hurt one way or the other. But which one would you prefer? Get mauled by a huge tiger, or have Tenten shoot a kunai at you?

Finally, it was the end. Tired, stressed, and needing to get away from it all, Iruka, Shino and Tenten faced their last auditioner...Closet pervert #1! Ebisu!

"Yay!" cried Tenten. "Finally...finally...it's the last one..."

"I'm surprised you haven't really killed somebody today..." commented Shino.

Tenten shot him a little glare.

"Aw, c'mon guys. Ebisu-san is the last auditioner. One more and it's over..." smiled Iruka.

"All right...why don't you read your lines, Ebisu-san..." said Shino.

Ebisu pushed his glasses up a little and read from the playbook. "Thou art like one of those fellows that when he enters the confines of a tavern claps me his sword upon the table and says 'God send me no need of thee!' and by the operation of the second cup draws it on the drawer, when indeed there is no need."

"Well...that was as exciting as going to get my wisdom teeth pulled..." said Tenten. "...But, I'm just too tiered to make anymore comments on how bad that ways."

"Insolent child! Don't you have any respect for your superiors!?"

"Superiors? Ha! I heard that Naruto even beat you!"

Ebisu paled. "Now where did you hear that ridicules rumor?!" He pushed up his glasses. "That's outrageous! I am a Jounin! There is no way I could be defeated by a mere Gennin. You must—"

A kunai hissed past his ear.

"Did you just throw a kunai at me?"

"No duh...You're annoying, so be quiet. You're the last person for this bloody mass of mad auditioners, which means..." She beamed. "I'M FREE! Yay!" She got up from her seat and darted out of the theatre. "Ja, Iruka-sensei, Shino-kun! I'll see you guys tonight when make up the cast!" And with that, she disappeared into Konoha, leaving only a trail of smoke.

Iruka, Shino and Ebisu stared after Tenten. "That was fast..." said Shino.

"Yeah..." spoke Iruka.

"Did she _really_ throw a kunai at me?" commented Ebisu.

* * *

"Okay, okay...so far, how many actors do we agree on?" said Iruka. He, Tenten and Shino met later that evening to have dinner at the _Kamikakushi_ _Place_, a Chinese restaurant. The three were currently deciding on which actors to use, since Shino (our director) would be casting them in the said roles.

"Naruto..." said Tenten.

"Kakashi-sensei..." said Shino.

"Genma-san..." said Iruka.

"Anko-san..."

"Kurenai-sensei..."

"Izumo-san..."

"Kotetsu-san..."

"And Sakura..."

"Wow...that's only 9 people..." commented Iruka.

"Well, the rest weren't exactly the most brilliant," spoke Tenten, picking up an egg role and taking bit. "I still think Naruto would be best for the role of Mercutio. He really did do a good job."

"But who else should we consider? We need 22 people for this thing...The extras aren't really important," Shino spoke, taking a nice piece of barbequed pork and putting it in his mouth. "We have nine agreed upon, that leaves 13 left. How about Jiraiya-san? He did a fairly good job..."

"Hmm...Yeah, but I don't want him in the cast," said Tenten.

Iruka looked to her curiously, taking a sip from his drink. "Why? I agree with Shino, Jiraiya-sama is pretty good..."

"I just want him to lose his bathhouse..." She giggled.

"..."

"..."

"Okay, okay! Jiraiya-sama will be another. That makes 10, and 12 left. What about Neji?"

"Even you said he can't act..."

"Yeah, but Shino-kun...With my blackmail, he might turn out to be really good. Besides, he could have a good personality for playing Tybalt..."

"Speaking of that, what are you blackmailing him with, Tenten?" asked Iruka.

"Okay..." she smiled. "I'll tell you guys, but don't tell _anybody_ else!" She motioned them to lean closer, and they did. "All right, I'm blackmailing Neji with......"

"Oh!"

"Wow...Never thought that he..."

"Really? Neji? Hyuuga Neji? The same one I taught in the Academy?"

Tenten nodded and smiled. "Yep..."

"How did you find out about this?" asked Iruka. 'I'd never thought that _he_ of all people..."

"Well, I was pretty surprised too...I found out actually one day when Lee ripped my really nice new silk blouse when we were training, and I sorta chased him across Konoha, and luckily, that's when I saw Neji...and took a picture... I also had a picture of me stuffing Lee into a barrel after I caught up with him on the same roll of film..."

"Wow...Neji...Can't believe it..."

"Could I tell Hinata this after you're done with this blackmail?"

"Oh sure...I've got a lot of other stuff on him that's much juicier than that...But I'm saving that other stuff for later..." She bit into a piece of sweet-and-sour pork. "Now, who else should we add...? Oh, and Shino...Did Konohamaru, Moegi and Udon talk to you about..."

* * *

That night, Shino sat in his room, looking out the window at the dark night sky. The stars twinkled like fireflies, sparkling against the abyss. On his table were papers as he began casting the roles for each character, after he, Tenten and Iruka had figured out all the best actors for the play.

Shino considered carefully all the actors...their personalities...their attitude...their acting skills... He considered all the factors of a good play and good actors. He had completed a good chunk of his 22 main actors; the extras would be no problem. Many of the roles he had already considered and assigned to a person...but, there were still great difficulties in casting, especially many of the key roles.

Shino already knew that Sasuke was going to play Romeo. He knew that no matter how reluctant Sasuke will be when it comes to acting, Shino knew he feared Tsunade too much to back out of it, and with some work, Shino thought that Sasuke could turn out to be a half-arse actor.

His leading man was cast...and he would be fine with some training...

But...

What about his leading lady?

Who would play Juliet?

Shino had seen many girls in the audition today, and nobody, and I mean _nobody_, fit his mental image of how Juliet should be...A gentle, soft creature, with no sinful bone in her body...

But whom could he cast? Which girl would be best to play Juliet?

Shino was very afraid to cast a Sasuke fangirl. 1) He was afraid Sasuke would commit suicide because of that (forget Itachi! Having a bunch of fangirls was worse!), 2) Tenten may end up killing them, and 3) Shino himself didn't feel like dealing with such an actor.

He wanted to find a Juliet that would go well with Sasuke, someone would be able to compliment him, and vice versa. Someone Sasuke knew...someone he would be comfortable with...

But no girl fit that description...

Unless...

He chose...

Shino smiled. A smile that would rival Orochimaru and Tenten's evil smiles. This smile was chilling and sent shivers down your spine.

Lifting his hand, holding the pencil and writing the name down beside _Juliet_...

This was a mad idea...He knew he was going to get killed because of this. But it was the only way. _That person_ would be _perfect_. That person knew Sasuke...That person got along fairly well with him...It would be perfect...

Shino leaned back in his chair and let out a laughter that ran through Konoha.

As when Dr. Frankenstein created his monster, Shino would give birth to Konoha's first Shakespearean play, and if all things worked out...It was going to be _brilliant_.

He laughed.

It was going to be absolutely _brilliant_!

* * *

_**To be continued...**_

* * *

**End Note**

**Jia**: Bwuahahahaha! Yet another cliffhanger. ::smile:: I am truly an evil insane nutcase. But what can you do?

**Miya**: Kick you very hard numerous times until you finish the chapter. ::weak smile::

**Jia**: Hey!This chapter is so far the longest, and most irritating to write, but I hope this makes it up for being late. ::cringes at the fear of her friend:: Damn you're scary.

**Miya**: I know...I look so peacefully and cheery yet I'm this sadistic inside.

**Jia**: T-T She threatened to disembowel me if I didn't complete this! I am a slave author!

**Miya**: Ripping things apart is fun. It can't be helped.

**Jia**: Oo Okay then...But it was also because of you I completed this before school started, so it's okay! Speaking of that, because of school, I probably won't be able to get the next chapter up soon.

**Miya**: School? We wont? Says who?

**Jia**: Says me, the slave author! Gomennasai minna-san! I have three sciences this year, and I wanna die.

**Miya**: Pfft. I have 2 maths, 3 languages and 2 sciences. What are you complaining about?

**Jia**: ::ignores Miya-chan:: But I shall live, and make this fic strive! Thank you for all the kind reviews! It was very encouraging. Sankyuu!

**Miya**: You bet this fic will live...I'm going to bug you endlessly in school to do this. ::Jia cringes:: We'll reveal thee cast next chapter. Domo arigatogozaimasu for the reviews!!

_All the auditions have gone through, and the cast is made. But not everybody is happy with their roles. From day one of the rehearsals, trouble already arises. Shino has to quickly train these guys. Tenten has to get everything ready. And poor Iruka has to make all the costume (with help of course). Will they survive the ordeal? And what about our actors? Whose going to play who? What's Tenten blackmailing Neji with? Will Sasuke survive his Juliet? Will Shino continued to be sane? And whose watching them all from the rooftops? Find out in the next chapter of **Shakespeare Lives**!_

**Special Announcement!** Miyako and Jia are currently adapting _Shakespeare Lives_ into a manga! Any interest? Please tell us!

© September, 2004 by Jia Zhang. Edited by Miyako Yamada. All rights reserved.


	4. Lamb to the Slaughter

**Author's Note:** OO; WTF...::counts reviews:: Is that number right? Oh my...I'm so glad people are enjoying _Shakespeare Lives_...This was originally a really stupid idea, but...wow...Can't believe there is support. Anyway, GOMENNASAI MINNA-SAN! I couldn't do this for a while do to the huge amount of work in which I had. I'm also currently addicted to Bleach, so my Naruto inspiration just went out the window. But Jia's back! Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter, and please, do review. The more reviews there are, the faster I work. And once again, thanks to my beta Miya for kicking my arse and plotting mutiny against me with Tsubasa-sama. ::cringe::

**Pairings: **None that I have as of yet. But who knows? Bugging me may get one...::shrugs::

**Disclaimer: **::struggles in strait jacket:: You damn suit wearing freaks! How dare you lock me up in a strait jacket! I have already said that I don't own Naruto! Dammit! Why won't you people listen to me!?

**Warning:** Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive murder of Mr. Shakespeare.

* * *

**_Shakespeare Lives_**

By Jia Zhang

* * *

__

_Part IV : Lamb to the Slaughter_

* * *

Sakura looked out of her window nervously as she got dressed. The morning sun had just peeked over the mountain ranges, and smiled rather sleepily over Konoha. Today was the day when the long awaited cast of Konoha's production of _Romeo and Juliet_ would be revealed. Sakura couldn't wait to find out the results. She had to know! Oh to get the chanced to play opposite of Sasuke...To act as his love interest...to get Sasuke to profess his love to you...to get to _kiss_ Sasuke-kun...She squealed in delight.

Outer-Sakura thought of all the romantic scenes she would get to have with Sasuke...

Inner-Sakura was thinking up a way to...um...get him into bed...It does happen in the play, so why shouldn't it happen in real life? But hey, every other fangirl in Konoha was thinking of the same thing...Bondage was fun...

The pink haired kunoichi left her humble abode and towards the Ninja Academy. As she made her way through the streets, she noticed that she was not the only fangirl that was heading towards there. All the other females were just as excited to know who had gotten the part of Juliet. Sakura scowled a bit.

"Ohayo, big-forehead Sakura."

Sakura turned to see Ino walking beside her. "Ohayo, Ino-pig. Off to find out that _I_ will be play Juliet opposite of Sasuke-kun. Really, you shouldn't have."

"Oh no, it will be _me_ who's going to be playing Juliet."

"No, me!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"Me!"

"ME!"

"ME!"

The two girls glared at each other hatefully.

"You girls...che..." spoke Shikamaru, as he—with Chouji eating chips next to him—walked up to the two girls. "...You're so troublesome. Why don't you just let the Iruka-sensei, Tenten and Shino decide for you...After all, they are the ones making the list."

"Shikamaru is right. The judges will decide fore us, _Sakura_...Then you'll see that it will be _me_ who will get to kiss Sasuke-kun."

"The only way _you_ will get to play Juliet and be with _my_ Sasuke-kun is if you bribed the judges

"Well...the only way _you_ will get the part is if you _slept_ with them." The blonde smirk

"Take that back, pig!"

"Make me, forehead!"

"I'll be the one to play Juliet!"

"No, me!"

"Me!"

"ME!"

The two glared at each other, lighting crashing in the background.

Shikamaru groaned, smacking a hand to his forehead. "Those two sure are noisy," said Chouji, munching on his chips.

"C'mon, let's just go..."

"It's be me!"

"NO, ME!"

Shikamaru and Chouji followed along with the massive platoon of people towards the Ninja Academy, where the results would soon be announced. Girls by the mountains were all giggling and squealing, praying that they would get the part of Juliet, and all the boys by the mountains wanted to drown themselves (since auditioning usually had not been their choice. They had been forced by the giggling and squealing fangirls).

But everybody was excited to find out about the cast. Gossip had been running wild around town as to who is going to play whom. From ninjas, to shopkeepers, to housewives, everyone wanted to know who played whom. Especially, who would be playing Juliet, opposite of the last remaining (loyal?) Uchiha, the one who didn't commit mass murder. And finally, after much waiting, the cast was going to be revealed.

Iruka stood on a small podium before the large horde of people. He sighed, wondering what would happen once he revealed the cast. To say the least, he was afraid...very afraid. It wasn't the fear Molder kept telling Scully to be afraid of...It wasn't the fear of Neo not being able to defeat the machines and save Zion...No, it was like the fear of Teletubies, Hamtaro, the evil purple dinosaur named Barney, and those Care Bears joining forces to take over the universe, spreading all their love, joy, fluffy pink crap...Oh what a wonderful world _that_ would be...

Yep...It was that kind of fear...

"Anno...Ohayo minna-san. Shino-kun has finally completed the list of the cast. As you all know, Uchiha Sasuke," insert fangirls screaming in glee (somewhere in the crowd Sasuke sweat-dropped), "will be playing the part of Romeo...As for Juliet..." The whole crowd sat on the edge of their seat as Iruka spoke. "Juliet will be played by..."

"CHOTTO MATTE!"

Everybody turned to see Tenten run up on to the stage, with Shino close behind her. "Just a sec...just a sec..." she spoke. She leaned over and whispered something in Iruka's ear. The chuunin looked at her curiously as Tenten smiled rather evilly, sending shudders down everyone's back. Iruka then whispered something to Shino, and the shinobi nodded. The whole of the crowd was on the edge of their seat.

Tenten turned around to face the crowd. A dark, evil, sly, yet pleasant smile lit her face. The crowd shuddered, cringing in fear. Sasuke, Naruto, Kiba, Neji, Shikamaru, Chouji, Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and all the rest felt an ominous cloud pass over them. Well, except for Lee...He was in...a...happy mood... Well, then again, he was constantly having a "gay ol' time". No, not that type of "gay". That would never happened in a gabillion years, and it would be extremely wrong if it did. That would destroy yaoi and shonen-ai as we know it.

But something was up. Something was not right. And bizarrely, Shino was going to let it happen.

"Ohayo minna-san!" Tenten smiled brightly. Everybody cringed. "Okie, this is how it's gonna work. I'm gonna call the role, the person's name, and then if you are called, your gonna go over there—" She pointed to the left. "Okie then! On with the casting!

Playing the role of Tybalt will be Hyuuga Neji-chan!"

"Neji-chan?" repeated everyone in union. Turning their eyes to the Hyuuga, whose vein was pulsing as if it was about to explode.

Murmurs run through the crowd. Sasuke, Naruto, Shikamaru, Chouji, Kiba and Akamaru, Ino, Sakura, and a shocked Hinata and Lee gawked at Neji with wide, utterly shocked eyes. "N-Neji-ni-san...Y-you auditioned for the play? W-why?" questioned a stuttering Hinata, who _knew_ that this was not something the Neji she knew would do.

Neji simply turned his head slightly, shooting a glare at Hinata.

Now, normally, Neji's glares were very powerful. After all, he despised the Hyuuga Main House, for reasons that are kind of odd. And he, like Sasuke, was a cold-hearted, emotionless bastard. But today's glare was...Well...Let's just say that if looks could kill, Hinata would be dead five trillion times and over.

Frightened, Hinata jumped a good five meters away.

Kiba turned. "Eh? Hinata, how did you get here from all the way over there?"

"All right, all right, calm down, everyone!" spoke Iruka. "Ahem, playing the role of Benvolio will be...Nara Shikamaru!"

Once again, murmurs ran through the horde of people. "Yay, Shikamaru!" shouted Ino, quite literally glomping the poor Chuunin. "Isn't it great? You got a part!"

Shikamaru scowled with Ino hanging off him. "Che...How irritating...Now I actually have to memorize this stuff..."

Chouji patted him on the back. "Could be worse...You could have Sasuke's part..."

"Feh. How troublesome..."

"Okay, next," spoke a reserved Shino, "playing the part of Mercutio will be...Inuzuka Kiba..."

Kiba's eyes went wide. "WHAT!?" He and Naruto shouted in union.

"Shino! I did a good job! Tenten thought so too! I should have gotten the part, not Kiba! I _know_ he acted horribly!"

"Shut the hell up, Naruto!" Kiba turned to Shino. "Oi! Shino! How dare you give me a part?!" He shook his fist at him angrily.

"K-Kiba-kun...I think it's g-great you got a part..." said Hinata.

Immediately, Kiba shut up, and looked down, a small blush over his cheeks.

"A-a-a-a-and...N-Naruto-kun...I'm sure Tenten-chan and Shino-kun g-gave you a-a-a part...Y-y-y-you did a great j-job..."

Naruto smiled a little. "Thanks Hinata."

The white-eyed girl blushed, and looked down, poking her fingers together.

"Okay then..." said Tenten, slightly rolling her eyes at the scene before her. "Playing the part of the Nurse will be..." She giggled rather evilly, as all the girls held their breaths. Every single one of them knew that the worst part to get was the Nurse's, since they'd have to watch Sasuke-kun be with someone else. They'd have to suffer the pain and ache of playing servant to whoever played Juliet, and they'd have barely any scenes with Sasuke. It was as bad as not getting a part at all.

"...Haruno Sakura!"

Sakura paled as Ino snickered. "Told you Sakura!"

"No...No...It can't be true...How could I not get the part? How..." she spoke to herself. The pink-haired kunoichi felt like sobbing

"DAMN YOU SHINO, YOU STUPID BUG BOY! CURSE YOU TENTEN, YOU BUNHEADED FREAK! I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!" shouted Inner-Sakura as she raised her Inner-katana and chopped Inner-Shino (if he existed) into pieces, while impaling several kunais at Inner-Tenten (whom we know _defiantly_ exists).

However, with no other choice, Outer-Sakura slouched depressingly as she marched over the join the other ," spoke Iruka as the crowd of girls quieted down. "Playing the part of Friar Laurence will be...Jiraiya-sama."

"YOSHA!" shouted the Sennin in glee. Now you may be thinking..._Jiraiya? Glee? _That may sound weird, but it is quite reasonable. With this role, Jiraiya had secured the fact that Tsunade will not be closing down his bathhouses. Thus, he would be enjoying all the peeping he wants. That, my friend, is why he is in glee...

"Ho ho ho!" laughed the white-haired sennin. "Yes! You can't do anything now Tsunade! Yes, my beautiful babes...Jiraiya shall be back...Hehehe...Icha Icha Paradise will strive even more! Hahahahaha!"

"Pervert..." muttered Tenten. "Anyways! Playing the parts of Capulet and Lady Capulet will be Shiranui Genma-san and Yuuhi Kurenai-sensei!"

"Hm...Capulet...not a bad role..." spoke Genma. "Ne, Kurenai?"

"Fine with me..." spoke the Genjutsu specialist. "As long as your not Gai."

Iruka flipped the page and continued. "All right, the next pair, Montague and Lady Montague will be played by Mitarashi Anko and Maito Gai."

Anko paled. No...this couldn't be happening to her! Out of all the people in the world, she has to play _his_ wife? The world was coming to and end. The "Naruto-ish" Jounin felt like bursting into tears as Gai waved at from across the crowd.

"ANKO! MY WIFE!" He ran to her...to hug her of course. After all, they would be playing husband and wife. And Gai has always had an affinity for Anko.

But just as Gai was about to embrace her, Anko's fist hit him squarely in the face, sending him flying far into the sky in a big boom. "Team Rocket is blasting off again...Wait! Wrong lines!"

"What the hell was that kid thinking!?" Anko cried in horrification, as Gai nursed his bruised and bleeding cheeked from a few meters away from the angry kunoichi.

"It won't be that bad, Anko," spoke Genma.

"Not that bad? _NOT THAT BAD_!? Genma, you idiot! Have you met Maito Gai?" She shuddered. "The eyebrows...the eyebrows...Yes, yes, I know he is a competent Jounin, but it still doesn't mean he can't annoy the hell out of me! Argh! This can't be happening to me!" Anko cursed some more. "If he gets on my nerves, I swear I will turn him into ramen and feed him to Naruto!"

"Wouldn't you be turning Naruto into a cannibal, then?" spoke Kurenai.

"...He won't know the difference..."

"Okay then," said Tenten. "Playing the part of anno...Paris will be...anno...anno..." She gulped, and turned to Shino for support. Her face seemed to speak _don't make me do it!_ However, Shino nodded, urging her to go on. "The part of Paris will be played by...Rock Lee..."

A large gasp of utter shock, surprise, and well, horror, was heard throughout the crowd. No one could believe it, especially the girls. Lee had gained the role of the Adonis Paris. How was that possible? For after all, Rock Lee, bless his lame soul, is not exactly the most beautiful creature in the world. In any case, he is Gai's clone. He was just a little too pathetic for his own good. Meeting Gai has its consequences.

So how did he get the part? Did he trick the judges? Did he bribe them? Did he bake them brownies and cook them breakfast, with ham, bacon, omelets, and pancakes? Did he sleep with them? Wait...that would be wrong, so very, very wrong...

"Really? Me? I get to play Paris?" said Lee with glittering eyes.

"Wee! Wecewent wob!" said Gai. The poor Jounin's face, care of Anko's delicate nurture, was beaten up, bruised, and bleeding, thus Gai had difficulty pronouncing words. What he had actually meant to say was, "Lee! Excellent job!"

With bright, believing eyes, Lee looked up at his sensei.

"Gai-sensei!"

"Wee!"

Sunset, rocks, and big waves, they embrace. The entire crowd sweat-dropped, and Goosebumps ran down their backs.

"I actually feel sorry for whoever has to play Juliet, with him wooing her..." spoke Neji.

"Too true..." said Shikamaru. The chuunin suddenly jumped, blinking in surprise, before turning to Neji. "Did you just make a joke?"

Meanwhile, Tenten glared hatefully at Shino. "I can't believe you did this...What the hell were you thinking? Are you on drugs? No, wait...are your bugs on drugs?"

"No...They do not need any..."

The dark-haired kunoichi sweat-dropped. "Can't take a joke, can you?"

"I have my reasons for choosing him, Tenten."

"Oh really?" she spoke sarcastically. "And here I thought you just became insane over night."

"Anyway," spoke Iruka, turning away from the two. "Continuing on...Playing the part of the Prince will be..." He blushed. "Hatake Kakashi."

Everybody looked around, but Kakashi was nowhere to be found. Hey that rhymes!

"How much do you want to bet he's late?" whispered Sasuke.

"All my life savings..." replied Naruto.

Gai clenched his fist, shaking it in anger. "Wam wo Wawashi, with wis why woo ware my wavel! Wetting whe wart wof whe Wrince! Why would wet whe wart! With wime wo win! Wifty wive to wifty wour! Wut wat weast why wet wo whee with mwhy weer wrewous Wanko...Wewewe..."

Lee looked up at his sensei in question. "Nani?"

What Gai meant to say, of course, was, "Damn you Kakashi, this is why you are my rival! Getting the part of the Prince! I should get that part! This time you win! 55 to 54! But at least I get to be with my dear precious Anko...Hehehe..."

Tenten smiled. "The rest of the roles are posted up. And now, without much further ado...For Konoha's version of _Romeo and Juliet_, the part of the lovely Juliet, who shall be played opposite of Uchiha Sasuke will be..."

The entire crowd sat on the edge of their seat. Everyone had been waiting for this. When Juliet's actor was announced, there would be an uproar. Every single person wanted to know. Everyone had his or her speculation. Who could it be? Who could have Aburame Shino chosen to be Juliet?

Different names were running around in everyone's heads.

Kiba thought, _"It has to be Hinata...I know it's Hinata! Dammit, Shino, I can't believe you choose Hinata!"_

Naruto thought, _"Few...at least it's not Sakura-chan. Maybe it's Ino..."_

Neji thought, _"I have a bad, bad, bad feeling about this...If Aburame suddenly twists it and has Tenten act as Juliet, I will kill him!" _

Chouji thought, _"Chips...chips...chips...I can't believe Ino still hasn't given back my chips!"_

Sakura thought, _"I can't believe it's not me...I can't believe it! Well...on the bright side, at least I'm not being wooed by Lee..." _And of course, Inner-Sakura thought, _"Die Shino die! How dare you not choose me as Juliet! If you choose Ino, I'm going to destroy you! Well...on the bright side, at least I'm not being wooed by Lee..."_

Lee thought, _"NOOOOOOO! SAKURA-SAN! I won't get to woe my beautiful Sakura...My precious...I wonder who I shall be wooing, then. Maybe it will be Hinata...Oh dear God, Neji would blow his top if that happened..."_

Ino thought, _"HAHAHA! SAKURA YOU LOOSE! I SHALL BE THE ONE TO PLAY JULIET! HAHAHAHAHA!"_

However, no one was thinking as hard as Shikamaru, as he felt that something really was off. _"Who could have Shino chose? Yachiru, she's pretty...No no...or maybe Eriko? No way, she was the one Tenten almost killed...Wakana? Impossible...she's way too young. Hinata? No...she doesn't have the stage experience or skill...Ino? Ha! I'd like to see Shino do that...so who...who could it be?"_

Then...it hit him. The chuunin's eyes widened in realization and shock. Shikamaru realized who would play Juliet, the same time Tenten called out that person's name...

"The one who will play Juliet is..."

* * *

On a rooftop in the quiet and peaceful village of Konoha, two pairs of eyes stared down intently at the crowd of people that gathered before the Konoha Ninja Academy. The loud sound of the horde of fangirls had tickled the two traveler's curiosity, and they had come to see what all the commotion was about.

"Tsunade's mad...Absolutely mad...What a stupid idea! Shakespeare! Ha!"

"Don't mock her...I actually think it's quiet...Interesting..."

"WHAT!?"

"I've enjoyed Shakespeare's plays in the past..."

"It will be quite interesting to see how this turns out..."

"So we're staying here?"

"For the time, being, yes...I would not miss this for the world..."

And in a flash, the two figures disappeared from the rooftops.

* * *

"The one who will play Juliet is..."

Shino sighed. Iruka gulped. And Tenten smiled rather mischievously.

"...Uzumaki Naruto..."

A great silenced followed. Crickets chirped, and a tumbleweed blew across the side of the road.

The silenced continued for what seemed like several hundreds of years...

Until...

"WHAT!?" shouted everyone in union.

"What do you mean Uzumaki Naruto?"

"You've got to be joking me!"

"This is an outrage!"

"What are you people thinking!?"

Shock would have been mild to describe the reaction from one simple name. Most people either passed out, or simply stared blankly at the three judges. Thoughts of outrage and incomprehensible shock ran through all of their heads. There was not one person who wasn't thinking... "WHAT THE HELL!!?"

Kiba thought, _"What the hell!? Has Shino gone nuts? He really has gone nuts! Does he want to be killed by a bunch of rampaging hormonal women? Well...at least Hinata isn't playing Juliet..."_

Neji thought, _"What the hell!? Have they gone nuts!? I'm surprised Uchiha hasn't gone rampaging like his aniki and killing everyone in sight! Well...at least I'm not in his position...I feel a bit sorry for Naruto though...Thank god it's not Hinata or Tenten..."_

Chouji thought, _"What the hell!? They've gone nuts! I'm surprised Ino has gone rampaging around town killing anonymous people...of course, she would kill Shino first...Well...at least then I'll get my chips back..."_

Jiraiya thought, _"What the hell!? Those guys have gone nuts! They're going to be killed by a bunch rampaging hormonal fangirls..."_

Genma thought, _"What the hell!? Those guys have gone nuts!? This will never work! What are they thinking? They are going to be killed by a bunch of rampaging hormonal psychotic fangirls...I guess I should start thinking of eulogies..."_

Kurenai thought, _"What the hell!? Has Shino lost it? What is he thinking, giving Naruto the part of Juliet? Is he drunk? He must bee drunk! That's the only explanation for his insanity! Oh my god, I'm going to loose a student due to a bunch of rampaging love-crazed fangirls..."_

Anko thought, _"#&?$!!! #$&#&#&$$#$&$#!#$#!$?$#&?!#$?$#!&?$&#&$?#&!!" _

Basically...what Anko thought was some pretty terribly profanity. If a telepath suddenly read her mind, they would be hearing Anko swearing like Captain Ahab as he is chasing Moby Dick (yes, I do mean the whale) all over the Pacific. And Anko doesn't even SAIL!

Hinata thought, _"What the hell was Shino-kun thinking!? Naruto-kun as Juliet? He's going to be killed by all those Sasuke love-crazed hormonal teenagers! What was Shino-kun thinking!? Why the #$&!?" _

My...wasn't that out of character...

Lee thought, _"WHAT THE HELL!? What is Shino thinking? How could Tenten let this happened! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'll have to woo Naruto! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

And all the fangirls thought...

"_WHAT THE FREAKIN HELL!? #$?!&!!! ABURAME SHINO, YOU ARE GOING TO SUFFER THE SIX TORTURE METHODS OF THE SASUKE FANGIRLS!!!!! WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING!? UZUMAKI NARUTO WITH OUR PRECIOUS SASUKE-KUN! HE STOLE HIS FIRST KISS, AND NOW THIS!? WHAT THE #$&!"_

Far away, in the Hokage's office, Tsunade laughed hysterically. "Bwuahahahahahahaha! Shino you are a genius! Hahaha! I should invite all the other Kage's for this show! Hahaha! I should get my own monument for this! Hahaha!" Suddenly, realization hit Tsunade as she turned to Shizune. "Anno...Make sure Sasuke doesn't kill Naruto, okay?"

Meanwhile, everyone else had started yelling and ranting to the three poor judges. Tenten was trying her best to not kill someone...technically. Iruka was trying desperately to calm everyone down. And Shino...well, if one had looked closely, they would have seen a tiny, tiny, tiny, itty-bitty smile on his face. This was highly amusing to the bug using shinobi.

"I can't believe you did this!" shouted Tenten over the mob of people, carrying torches and pitch-forks, as if they were hunting for Frankenstein's monster. "I knew this would happen! That settles it! You're on drugs!"

"Shino, are you really sure about this?" shouted Iruka. "This looks like a dangerous territory you have crossed into!"

"Don't worry...I have a plan...Everything is going to work out..."

"WHAT?" shouted the two in union; the crowd was very loud, but Shino was very quiet.

"I said...Don't worry, I have a plan. Everything is going to work out..."

"WHAT?"

"Never mind..."

"WHAT?"

As the horde of people ranted at the three judges, Sasuke, who stood a few meters away from the crowd spoke to himself... "Juliet is...the dobe...Naruto is...Juliet. And I am Romeo...I will be play opposite of Naruto..." He pulled his hair in frustration. "This can't be happening! NOOOOOOOO! I should have let Itachi kill me!" He shook his head in horrification. "This can't be happening! It can't! ARGH! I wonder if Orochimaru can get me out of here..." The Uchiha sighed depressingly. "Damn Shino...Damn Tenten...Damn Iruka-sensei...DAMN THAT LOUSY WOMAN WHO CALLS HERSELF HOKAGE! At leas it's not a fangirl...but...but why me!" He was on the verge of tears... "It's as if some dark, evil, sadistic, sociopathical, omnipotent, yaoi-loving freak is controlling my life, and seems to love to torture me!" He groaned as he turned to Naruto...

"Yay! I get one of the lead roles!" spoke the blonde cheerfully. But suddenly, he realized what _type of role_ he would be playing. His eyes widened in shock. "R-R-Romeo is Sasuke...NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That is wrong! So very wrong! They must have been drunk, or stoned, or insane when they did this! What the #$& were they thinking!" He pulled his hair! "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Thus, he promptly passed out...

Once he looked over, Sasuke saw that Naruto was one the ground, out cold.

"Naruto?"

"...I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I...a-a-a-a-a-am...p-p-p-playing J-J-J-J-J-J-J-Juliet...w-w-with...S-Sa-Sa-Sasuke a-a-as...R-R-R-Ro-Romeo..."

"Naruto? Are you okay?"

"Holy crap..."

* * *

On the newly built _Konoha Theatre_ stage stood the cast of Shakespeare's _Romeo and Juliet_. Some were nervous, some were excited, some were pissed off supremely, and some felt like committing murder. Director Aburame Shino stared at his cast. He was determined to make them the best actors they could be. Sure, many of them were extremely annoyed and irritated, but Shino was no ordinary director. He had his methods, and he was determined to make this the best Shakespearean play ever made!

Stage Manager Tenten gazed at the cast of Konoha's _Romeo and Juliet_. She knew many of them would rather be horned by a goat than be here (after all, most of them were blackmailed into doing this), but she was determined to do the best job she can to make this show a success. Sure, it was going to be a difficult time to get everything read in a little under a month. But dammit, she was going to have her way and make this the best show ever!

Costume Director Umino Iruka gazed at many of his former students and colleagues, who would be acting in Konoha's _Romeo and Juliet_. Now, the Academy teacher knew that it was going to be a difficult month with these actors, and with them running around, it would be almost impossible to get everything ready. But he was determined to make this work!

So basically, this is how it was: you have group of inexperienced, piss-off ninjas for actors and three stress, but resolute coordinators, determined to make this work. But nobody was exactly happy with their role.

And they are as follows...

**Sasuke:** Romeo

**Naruto:** Juliet

**Neji: **Tybalt

**Shikamaru:** Benvolio

**Kiba:** Mercutio

**Sakura:** Nurse

**Ino:** Rosaline

**Jiraiya: **Friar Laurence

**Lee:** Paris

**Genma:** Capulet

**Kurenai:** Lady Capulet

**Gai:** Montague

**Anko:** Lady Montague

**Chouji:** Friar John

**Kotetsu:** Sampson

**Izumo: **Gregory

**Ebisu:** Abraham

**Konohamaru: **Balthasar

**Udon: **Peter

**Asuma:** Apothecary

**Kakashi:** Prince

**Hinata: **Narrator

"_Dammit!"_ thought the three in union. _"I'm going to make this work!"_

**FIVE HOURS LATER**

"DAMMIT NARUTO, GET BACK HERE!"

"NO! I REFUSE! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!"

Sasuke sweat-dropped as he watched Tenten chase Naruto around this stage, trying to forced him to do the Sexy no Jutsu (since, after all, that was the whole reason as to why Shino picked him in the first place). However, Naruto, being the stubborn idiot he always is, refused to do any scenes with Sasuke. (He still hasn't recovered from the shock.) But there was no way to make the play work if Naruto wasn't in Sexy no Jutsu form. And this was exactly why Tenten was not screaming after the blonde, kunai in hand.

"NARUTO! GET BACK HERE!"

"No! NO!"

The dark haired youth sighed, as he went back to looking over his lines.

Meanwhile, in another section of the stage, Sakura and Ino were in an all out battle, and there seemed to be no end in site. Sakura was saying to Ino how _she_ at least gets a good part in the play with lines, while Ino was just a stage character with no lines at all. And Ino was saying how she was acting as Sasuke (Romeo)'s love interest, and that it would soon become true. Thus, this is why they were fighting as if they were in the Chuunin exams again.

A little away from them, Shikamaru and Kiba were acting out their lines. Shikamaru, though still complaining as to the fact that he didn't want to be here or be acting, felt that at least he was doing a better job than Kiba, who was stumbling through his lines without a clue as to what he was saying.

In the meantime, Kurenai was attempting to fix Hinata's little speech problem. Since the timid girl would be the narrator for the play, she had to speak well. But poor Hinata was tripping over her own words, stuttering every few minutes when she was reminded that she had to do this in front of all of Konoha.

Gai and Anko on the other hand...Well, Anko was simply beating Gai to a pulp, shouting profanity and hatred for thick-eyebrows every few minutes.

Jiraiya, being his normal perverted self, was ogling at the female extras, trying lines that he had heard from certain Animes, such as "Will you bare my children?" Of course, he was unaware that these lines were not the best pick-up lines in the world.

Kakashi...well...He was no where to be found...Late, perhaps.

And Neji...Well...

"Please Neji!"

"No."

"I need these measurements!"

"No."

"Please!"

"I refuse to wear tights"

Iruka sighed. "B-but it wouldn't be a show without them! And tights have always been a tradition!"

"I don't care. No is no."

"But Neji!"

Fighting, chasing, perversion, begging...You name it, it was there.

Shino sighed as he looked at the chaos that was currently unfolding on the stage of the Konoha Theatre. The bug-using shinobi suddenly felt an overwhelming sense of hopelessness. How as he going to make this work? How in Megami-sama's name was he going to make this play work, in less than a month!?

Shino sighed.

He was a lamb to the slaughter.

**FIVE MORE HOURS LATER**

Kakashi looked around the stage, but nobody was there. "Am I late?"

* * *

To be continued...

* * *

****

**End Note **

Hahahaha! I'm finally done chapter four! Yes! T-T I'm so happy! I'm so sorry, minna-san, for not updating earlier. Homework and stress were two key factors. But here it is, chapter four. I know it was kinda short, but at least you got it.

::smiles:: And yes! I finally revealed the cast! If you have any comments, please tell me. I would like to hear your opinions. As for those currently screaming... "NARUTO AS JULIET? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Don't worry. I actually have a purpose for this. Remember, this is not, and I repeated, **NOT A SHONEN-AI/YAOI FIC**! There are no pairings, just a lot of teasing and hinting. By the way, if you have suggestions, tell me about them...

Anyways, I'll work hard to get the next chapter out...Don't forget to review!

Domo arigatou,

Jia Zhang

_So the cast is made...but no one is happy with their roles. Disaster is hitting the little production left and right. Is there some kind of curse? Or is everyone simply not getting along? And Shino seems to be cracking under the pressure. Time is ticking and nothing is going well. What will the bug shinobi do? Will Sasuke and Naruto survive each other? What is Neji being blackmailed with? And who are the two people watching the production? Find out in the next chapter of **Shakespeare Lives**!_

**PS:** Grrr...Jia is so pissed. I posted the 4th chapter but it doesn't show. Crap...Anyways, I hope people with see this one...

Damn you ops...

© October, 2004 by Jia Zhang. All rights reserved.


	5. The Way Things Are

**Author's Note:** T-T Gomen minna-san!I know it has been quite a while sinceI last updated...::ducks sharp objects:: I had so much work! But at least I finished it! ::hugs:: Daisuki minna-san! And thanks to K-chan for betaing this chapter for me! Read and review minna!

**Pairings: **I HAVE NO PAIRINGS! NONE! SO STOP BUGGING ME FOR ONE! No het, no yaoi, nadda!

**Disclaimer: **::struggles in strait-jacket as she is chucked into a white-room:: Let me go you damn suits! I said it already! I don't own Naruto! I DON'T OWN IT!

**Warning:** Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive murder of Mr. Shakespeare.

* * *

_**Shakespeare L**__**ives**_

By Jia Zhang

_Part V : The Way __Things Are_

* * *

Naruto woke up. The morning sun peaked through his window and onto his face. His hands rubbed his bright blue eyes as he yawned largely, still drowsy from sleep. The kitsune blinked groggily as he got out of bed and went to the bathroom. He sloshed into the bathroom, turning on the water and opening the shower. He stepped in, letting the warm liquid caress him. It was going to be a nice day, the kitsune thought, and today he shall finally show up that Sasuke teme! Yes! Naruto was determined to show Sakura just how good a ninja he was. But he didn't remember where Kakashi-sensei had told them to meet for today's training.

Then…he remembered…

"HOLY CRAP! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

(Somewhere in Konoha, mother-hen instincts kicking in, Iruka woke up. "Naruto?")

"Stupid—" BAM! "Lousy—" BAM BAM! "Evil—" BAM! "Play—" BANG! CRASH!

And thus, Naruto created a little dent...err…a very large hole in his shower wall (for which he would later need the _ANBU Fix It Squad. _The ANBU now had a very successful building corp.). Surprisingly, his head was not bleeding or injured. Apparently, hardheaded was a fact not an insult.

For our beloved blue-eyed kitsune, he had completely forgotten that he was doing Konoha's version of _Romeo and Juliet_. He also completely forgot that all his missions and training sessions were cancelled till after the play. He also forgot that Romeo was being played by his arch-nemesis Uchiha Sasuke. And, of course, being the simpleton he truly was, is, and always will be, Naruto forgot completely that for a total of around one month he would be stuck as a girl.

Poor Naruto…he forgot he was supposed to play Juliet…

This was one of those times he really didn't appreciate the fact that he created the Sexy no Jutsu.

Another time was when he used it around town with Konohamaru and several guys ended up flirting with him. There was also the time he accidentally preformed the Jutsu to get away from Sasuke, and of course a gabizillion fangirls ended up chasing him down and beating him to a squishy pulp after they believed that he and Sasuke were an "item".

Ew.

And now this!

Naruto sobbed as he sloshed out of his bathroom and into the kitchen, making himself some ramen. Yes, ramen would cheer me up, he thought.

However, even the sweet, sweet delicious ramen could not fix Naruto's mood and his feelings of impending doom and that the world was coming to an end, and that all girls with buns were psycho, and that girls were all psycho period, and that people who are usually quiet have really sick and twisted ideas up in their heads (which is true in so many ways that it's not even funny), and that the some people who are nice can be really apathetic, and that girls were really just scary, and that…and that…well, he forgot the rest.

Naruto sighed depressingly as he slurped up the rest of his ramen (even though he was depressed; there was no sense in wasting good food). He picked up the bowl and chopsticks and placed them in the sink, not bothering to wash them. He slothly climbed back into bed, drawing the covers over his head.

He wanted sleep. He wanted to be alone. And most important and above all, he wanted to not think about or be in this play!

Unfortunately for our beloved kitsune, it was just not how it was going to be.

BANG!

"NARUTO! BAKA! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

Naruto's worst nightmare had come true. Again.

Tenten growled angrily as she glared at the bundle of blanket on the bed. "Yarou! Do you know what time it is? If you don't get going now, you are going to be late for rehearsals! You're actually already around half an hour late! SINCE IT WAS SUPPOSED TO START AT 8:00!! But you have to get there at last by NINE!! I knew you wouldn't be up, that's why I came to get you. NOW GET YOUR ARSE UP FROM BED!!!"

"Iie!" _No!_

The dark haired kunoichi's vein pulsed dangerously. "Get. Up. _Now_."

"Iie!"

"Get. Up. _NOW_!!" Her voice was now dangerously scary…but Naruto did not seem to take notice…or he was used to it, since Sakura could be like that a lot. Then again, Sakura was always like that—and Naruto was the victim of a girl on permanent PMS. With Tenten, at least it was just a periodical PMS. Not that Naruto knew what PMS was, of course. He simply experienced the aftershock of it all.

Anyway, the kitsune remained a lump of blanket, not at all budging. By this point, Tenten had snapped (Oh PMS…lovely. Makes you wonder why Neji hasn't died yet. Or has gotten raped by this point). She gritted her teeth tightly. As the Manager, it was her responsibility to make sure all the actors…err…ninjas, make it on time to the rehearsals. Shino had told her specifically that everything had to go by schedule, or the whole thing would be out of wack. Tenten did not want to deal with this play anymore than she had to. She had other things she'd rather be doing…

So, doing the thing she always did with Neji (Ew. Not like that, you Jiraiya wannabes!) in order to get him out of bed (whodathunkit that Neji liked to sleep in?), with one great thrust, she grabbed the blankets and pulled it off of Naruto.

"Eeeeeeeeeeek!" he shrieked femininely.

"At least you're in Juliet's persona."

"Urusai!" shouted Naruto. "What the hell was that for!?"

"You need to get up, dammit! We're going to be late if you don't get up now!"

"B-b-b-b-but! I don't wanna!"

"Stop picking up Hinata-chan's stuttering streak and get your arse off the bed and into clothes! We are leaving in 5 minutes!"

"B-but—" Naruto paused, suddenly realizing something. "Hey, how did you know where I live?"

Tenten sweat-dropped irritably. "You don't wanna know. You really, really, _really_ don't want to know." She turned on a dime and walked out of the flat, slamming the door as she left. "DON'T FORGET! FIVE MINUTES!" she shouted through the barricade of plaster, cement, and pink fluffy wall stuffing.

Obeying the scary PMSing teenage girl who owned more weapons of mass destruction than the Sadam Hussein, Naruto got dressed in under five minutes, which wasn't so difficult since he wore a jump suit. He depressingly slouched out of his flat, and into the hall, where Tenten was impatiently tapping her foot.

"Let's go," she said. "We've got to grab another bugger."

"What?" said Naruto, confused as to why Tenten was using Aussie lingo.

"We've got to get SOMEONE!"

"Oh…Who?"

"Sasuke…"

"Hontouni?" _Really?_

"Hai…"

"Hontouni hontouni?"

"Hai…" Twitch, twitch.

"Hontouni hontouni hontouni?"

"DAMMIT, YES NARUTO! WE ARE REALLY GOING TO GO GET SASUKE!" She huffed. "He's late too."

Naruto snickered, his mood suddenly brighten. _So I'm not the only one_, he thought. So, curious as to why Sasuke wasn't on time (since he usually was for everything else…except perhaps when it involves Sakura) and desperately wanting to see Sasuke get humiliated like he himself did, Naruto followed Tenten through Konoha like a dog to its master. Not literally of course—Tenten had better uses for her leashes(1). Err…Yeah…

And so, Naruto and Tenten made their way to Sasuke's house, not stopping for anything, not even Naruto's precious ramen, which Tenten automatically says has 5400 calories. The two stood in front of the large, and rather quiet, Uchiha Mansion. The estate looked like a ghost town, and seemed as exciting as seeing Sasuke reading Moby Dick.

"Time," Tenten asked Naruto.

"Er…8:47."

"We've got exactly 13 minutes before Shino's time deadline, and if I don't get the two lead actors there I'm gonna get my head bitten off by him. Not that he would anyway, he'd just act in that way of his with that tone of his that's really irritating and—" she continued to ramble.

"Anno…Tenten…"

She turned to Naruto for a moment. "Oh, right. Sasuke."

The weapons master turned to the door, and with one kick, the door went crashing down. She smiled, rather pleased with herself. "No problem."

"Hi-hi-his door…You killed it…"

"First off, STOP picking up Hinata-chan's stuttering problem. And second, I didn't kill the door. It wasn't alive in the first place."

"B-b-but still…"

"Seriously, Naruto…Stop stuttering. It's kinda scarying me."

So, the two entered the Uchiha estate in order to drag—shove—tie—what ever form of "force" you can think of—to get Sasuke to the play on time.

And it was less than 15 minutes and counting till the beginning of rehearsals (by Shino's accord, since the play should have started almost an hour ago). Shino wanted them there by at least 9:00…and you just didn't want to piss Shino off.

Bugs. Scary.

Meanwhile, at the Konoha Theatre, all of the other actors, including extras, had all gathered on time. Sakura was rehearsing her lines without a Juliet. Shikamaru was attempting to help Kiba with his lines, but was failing miserably. So much for being a genius. Gai was wooing a pissed off Anko, who was being kept back from killing Gai by Asuma and Genma. Neji was running away from Lee, who was asking for help on his lines (since Neji had more experiences at being good looking than him). Chouji's chips were being ripped away from him by health-crazed kunoichis. Kurenai was once again trying to get Hinata to overcome her stuttering problem, but it was as successful as trying to teach Lee fashion sense, or trying to teach Kakashi how a clock works. Kotetsu and Izumo were trying to be _alone_, but were constantly being interrupted by Ebisu, who was hoping to practice his lines with someone. Jiraiya was off by the change rooms, looking at the girls (who made the costumes) changing into costumes, seeing if they looked right. And of course, Kakashi was nowhere no be seen.

It was not even 9 o'clock yet and Iruka already felt a headache coming on. He sometimes really wishes he got married earlier in his youth. He needed some sake. Badly. Shino, on the other hand, had plans. If he weren't so stoic, he'd be laughing hysterically like Dr. Evil at the pure evilness of his super evil genius plan that was very evil. Can you say, "Evil"?

"Why are we doing this? Why? Why? Why?" chanted the schoolteacher over and over again.

"Because Godaime-sama is a sadistic, psychotic and evil woman who enjoys the suffering of others," he replied factually and rather calmly. (This also came to apply to several million fangirls…)

"Like you're not enjoying this…" spoke Iruka, rather uncharacteristically sarcastic.

Shino smirked a little. It was a smirk that was caused by pleasure. And it was slightly terrifying. "Yes…I suppose you're right. I do enjoy this, somewhat. But once Tenten gets Naruto and Sasuke here, I will enjoy this all even more…"

Okay, now Iruka was really scarred.

Back at the Uchiha estate, Tenten and Naruto had wandered around and apparently had gotten themselves lost.

"WHAT THE HELL!!!!" shouted the brunette in frustration. "How the hell did we get lost!?"

"He has a _big_ house…"

Tenten suddenly jerked and blinked at Naruto, before flushing a beet red. "D-don't ever say that again."(2)

"Why?" he asked innocently.

"_Really_ perverted implications…Bad thoughts, bad thoughts …"

"What? I don't get it…"

Tenten sweat-dropped. Naruto could be really very naïve and innocent sometimes. "Never mind."

They wandered around some more, before Tenten finally snapped. She didn't like being lost. And they were going to be late. Those two things put her in her "happy place".

"UCHIHA SASUKE! YOU DAMN BLOODY TART! GET YOUR SMART-ARSE, BACK-TALKING BUTT OUT HERE BEFORE I MAKE SURE YOU WON'T BE ABLE TO REVIVE YOUR CLAN! _EVER_!!!!"

Silence.

A tumbleweed blew across the yard of the Uchiha estate.

Twitch, twitch.

Naruto took a step back. _Sasuke, for once in your life, I pray you don't get hurt._ _Tenten is going to kill you!_

"_Yarou_…"

"Excuse me…"

Naruto and Tenten turned to see a smiling old lady amid the wreckage that was the Uchiha estate (Hoho! The ANBU Fix It Squad was making so much money due to this play). "By any chance, are the two of you looking for Sasuke-kun?" she asked kindly.

"Yes!" spoke Tenten exasperatedly.

"Well, he left around an hour or two ago, something about not wanting to be at a play…"

Silence.

"HE WHAT!?!?"

Yes, apparently, Sasuke wasn't a tart. He decided to run for it when he had a chance. He got a tingly feeling that someone would be coming over to drag him to the auditions, as that he wasn't exactly doing this by his own will from the kindness of his shriveled up Grinch-like heart. No…That just wouldn't be cool. So, being the genius he was, Sasuke left an hour or so before the play would commence and ran in the direction of the forest around the Konoha area.

The dark haired youth smiled pleasantly to himself as he sat on a tree branch, happy as to have been able to get away from the insanity of the play. He knew he really shouldn't have skipped out on all of his fellow victims—ninjas…But, he'd rather be anywhere but that play right now.

However, Sasuke was just _not_ smart enough to realize that it would be a lot better to do the play then tempt the anger of…a certain person.

"UCHIHA! YAROU!"

Sasuke's head jerked up in surprise as he heard the angry, banshee-like yell of Tenten. His dark eyes gazed into the distance, and noticed a very angry kunoichi bouncing off the branches, coming at him in full speed. Sasuke suddenly felt very nostalgic—like the night when Itachi went on his psychotic, socialpathical, and murderous rampage as if he were a drunken squirrel that had rabies and a chain-saw at his disposal. Oh, but this was just so much scarier!

"Ah, shit," said Sasuke, as he turned, running very quickly away from the scary teenage girl.

"GET BACK HERE YOU ARSE!"

Sasuke just kept running.

"BASTARD!!!"

Unfortunately for him, it seemed that his skills as a top-notch ninja suddenly decided to leave him for their own safety. The genin suddenly felt Tenten's wires circle around his body, and with a loud crash, bounded him to a nearby tree, crushing him into a nice fleshy pulp. Several gabillion shurikens plummeted towards Sasuke, missing his body by a few micro-millimeters.

Sasuke sweat-dropped.

Deep chocolate eyes glared hatefully at Sasuke. Tenten perched on a branch in front of the dark haired boy. "You. Stupid. _Tart_. You know how much sweat and pain you have caused me?"

Sasuke smiled weakly at her. Right now was not the time to be snippy. Snippy would get him killed, as that he was bound tightly to a tree, with a very scary weapons master glaring down at him with eyes to kill, and he was completely and utterly immobile.

"Sorry?"

"WELL SORRY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH YOU STUPID JACK-ARSE! NOW YOU WILL COME WITH ME AND NARUTO—" Tenten suddenly stopped, turning around to a tree. "Get out from behind there, you idiot!"

"B-b-b-b-but…"

"What did I tell you about that stuttering thing!"

"Is it safe to come out?"

Tenten sweat-dropped.

"Now, Sasuke, you will come with me and Naruto, whether you like it or not. Otherwise…" She brought a kunai very close to his face, her eyes glinting with a certain madness to them. "I know many torture methods…Many, many torture methods…(This is why Neji isn't complaining…)"

_Well, besides the fact that the blackmail is working in full effect, _she thought to herself.

So, without any other choice but to listen to the scary girl, Sasuke followed…Well, not exactly followed. Tenten wanted to make sure Sasuke doesn't use Bunshin no Jutsu to get away, so Sasuke stayed tied up, while Tenten carried him under her arm like a Mashi Maro plushie.

"Wow…I never knew she was that strong…She can even carry _you_ under her arm…" said Naruto absentmindedly.

"Shut up…"

"Naruto, how many minutes?"

"Anno…Five?"

"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! CRAP! SHINO IS SO GONNA BE ON MY CASE!!!" Suddenly, with the power of a graceful gazel, or the speed of any particularly fast Pokemon, Tenten raced off towards the Konoha Theatre, Sasuke bouncing under her arm like a basketball.

"Hey! Wait up!"

* * *

All ofthe ninja wannabe actors stared fearfully at their director. Now, normally, none of them would really complain as to having Shino as their director for this play. Sure, one was a little fearful as to what went on in the quiet bug shinobi's mind (since no one had ever known that Shino had a thing for Shakespearean plays till this very play), however, everybody knew well enough not to piss of the director, for after all, Shino was the one deciding their fate for the remainder of the month.

_Damn Hokage-sama…_ everyone thought absentmindedly. For, after all, it was Tsunade's fault that they were all stuck doing this in the first place. And no one (well, maybe except for Lee and Gai), were truly enjoying this.

Well…that wasn't entirely true either.

On the night before the beginning of the grand rehearsals, Shino had been at his home plotting—planning on what he was going to do to get these actors in tiptop shape. Sure, some of them did a well enough job. However, none of them could truly act and it was one thing to repeat a bunch of lines, but a whole other matter to act it out with people that you really, really, really, really didn't want to act with. Doing that needed coordination…and someone to scream loudly without the need of a microphone. And that was one of the key reasons why Shino wished Tenten was here right now. But, the night before hand had given him many ideas. Oh, yes…many, many ideas.

Slowly, a small evil grin crawled up on Shino's face. Everybody gulped fearfully.

Iruka, who had been away getting aspirin for his permanent headache, came back to see all of the ninja/actors staring fearfully at Shino, who stood by himself off in the corner, smiling evilly, as if he was suddenly going to burst out chuckling evilly saying that he was Mojo Jojo, who had come up with another brilliant plan to destroy the Powerpuff Girls. Not that Shino would know what the Powerpuff Girls were…Maybe a really horny TV show with anorexic pretty girls and stupid macho guys. Hn. Shino didn't watch TV.(3)

Iruka looked around curiously, before suddenly noticing something crucial.

"Ah…Shino…Where is Naruto, and Sasuke…and…Tenten?" he asked. (Neji flinched at the mention of _She Who Must Not Be Named_.)

Snapping out of his fantasy world (wherever and whatever that was, not that one would really want to know), Shino turned to the brown haired Chuunin. "Ah. Iruka-sensei. I'm not sure. I told Tenten to get them here by no later than 0900 hours. She promised she would. Besides, she has one more minute left. I'm sure she'll make it."

Iruka sweat-dropped. "And if she doesn't…?"

An evil glint flashed in Shino's glasses. "Then…well…let's just say she would never _be_ late…"

Everybody cringed.

"Well…She has about 20 seconds now…" said Iruka, looking at his watch. "I hope she got Naruto and Sasuke, knowing those two…"

10 seconds…

9 seconds…

Everybody cringed some more as Shino stared off into nothingness. There was something especially evil about him today.

8 seconds…

7 seconds…

Everybody suddenly really, really, really wanted to not be doing this play. Shino was getting scarier by the minute…er…seconds…

6 seconds…

5 seconds…

"Oh my God!" whispered Kiba. "His vein is pulsing!"

Everyone sweat-dropped, and Lee and Gai just 'pinged' for no particular reason. Maybe to lighten the mood, though not even the Backstreet Boys could lighten the mood…Ew…Backstreet Boys…

4 seconds…

3 seconds…

Time suddenly felt like it had slowed down, due to dread, fear, and some anticipation for mass murder. And the author is wondering why she is wasting paper. Or typing space. Whatever.

2 seconds…

1 second…

"WE ARE BLOODY FREAKING HERE! HA! JUST ON TIME!!!"

In a storm of smoke and rubble (she had destroyed everything in her path), Tenten sprinted into the theatre, with Naruto on her tail, and Sasuke under her arm. She beamed with great pride at her accomplishment. "Made it!" she shouted gleefully, dropping the tied up ebony haired Uchiha onto the ground with a loud 'thump'. She beamed at the rest of the actors, who gawked at her stupidly.

"Stupid onna," muttered Sasuke.

"I'm still wondering how she lost to Temari…having been able to carry Sasuke-teme all the way here," Naruto mumbled to himself.

Shino turned to Iruka. "See. I told you she'd be on time."

Iruka's left eye twitched madly. "On time…she destroyed half the stage! Again!" Iruka felt the hairs on his neck prickle; he turned to see a whole bunch of ANBU looking very angrily down on them (well, not really look, since they wore masks and all and you can't see their faces, but you could still feel their anger at their precious stage being totaled by a certain genin kunoichi).

"Er…" Iruka smiled nervously, sweat-dropping. "We are so going to die…"

Puffing, Tenten walked over to Shino. In the background, Sakura and Ino were fighting over who gets to untie Sasuke, so naturally, Sasuke stayed tied up. The brown-eyed girl huffed some more, before tuning to Shino, "So, you got everything down and accounted for, now that I've brought Sonny and Cher?"

"Ah…" was his answer.

"I really hate your short answers. It's annoying."

"Hai…"

Twitch. "So…do you have a plan at how your going to coordinate this all, in under a month?" she questioned, waving her hand at the massive disaster that was beginning to unfold.

Sakura and Ino were still fighting over who gets to untie Sasuke, which meant he stayed like a worm. However, he was till able to pummel Naruto to the ground (as a worm) when the blonde began to tease him about getting beaten by a PMSing girl. Kakashi had finally decided to grace them all with his presence (an hour later than the appropriate time, and he really had no excuse to get away), and of course, Gai had simply had to pin at Kakashi, and glare at him while muttering nonsense about how Kakashi was his ultimate rival and how he had gotten a better role than him, before going back to Anko and wooing her. Anko, meanwhile, was trying to get away from Genma and Asuma so she could kill Gai (or roast him, though one can be sure that he won't taste like ramen—a little too…tangy). Neji was glaring with eyes to kill, and Hinata, who was next to him practicing with Kurenai, started to stutter even more due to her fear of her cousin (who seemed to have an anger management problem). Chouji was having WWIII with the health-crazed kunoichis. And Kurenai, bound by her teacher duties, was trying really hard not to give up on the stuttering maiden. Akamaru had apparently bitten Shikamaru, who was now trying to swing the puppy off his hand, with Kiba trying to get the puppy off his hand. But apparently, to Akamaru, Shikamaru's hand tasted really yummy. Jiraiya was currently being beaten to a pulp by the girls he had been spying on. And everybody else was more or less the same…

Oh my, what a large paragraph!

Shino sweat-dropped at the scene before him.

"I have a plan…I promise…I just need you."

"Need me?"

"Yes…" (somewhere, Neji started twitching with anger. He suddenly didn't like bugs, not that he ever liked them.)

"Hmmm…"

"So, will you do the honours?"

Sigh. "Sure…You owe me, you know?"

"I know. I'm at your beck and call." Smirk.

"I'm sure…" Tenten smiled before turning back to the crowd. "All right then. Ready?" He turned to Iruka.

Iruka popped an aspiring into his mouth and swallowed. "As ready as I'll ever be."

"Ready?" She turned to Shino.

"As much as you are…"

"Okay then, Mr. Director…Here we go…"

Tenten took a deep breath.

"ALL RIGHT! LISTEN UP YOU LILY LIVER, PRISSY PANTS'! IT IS NOW AN HOUR OVER DUE!!! BUT NINE IS JUST FINE! YOU WILL ALL LISTEN TO SHINO AND IRUKA AND OF COURSE, MYSELF, AND YOU WILL NOT COMPLAIN!!! ANY FURTHER INTERRUPTIONS TO THE PROCEEDINGS OF THE PLAY WILL PAY! AND AS I HAVE SAID TO SASUKE, I KNOW MANY, MANY TORTURE METHODS! YES, MORE THAN YOU IBIKI!!!" She took another breath. "NOW, YOU WILL ALL STOP AND LISTEN!! UNDERSTAND!? WE'RE ALL GOING TO DO THIS, UNDERSTAND, YOU DODO TARTS!? THIS PLAY WILL WORK OUT, AND YOU WILL ALL DO AS WE SAY!!! NO OBJECTS!!!!!!!!!!"

She breathed out, before smiling to her fellow co-workers. "Well, how was that?"

Their hair was blown back, eyes popping. Both Iruka and Shino sweat-dropped.

"Loud…" said Iruka.

"Very loud."

"I take it that's a good thing."

"If you can call killing ear-drums a good thing…"

"It's a good thing, then."

The rest of the cast and…well, basically everyone in a 3000 km radius…gawked at the three.

They were feeling a little scared all of a sudden. Not that they didn't feel scared before. It just simply intensified. To a very large degree…

Cheers!

* * *

Shino paced back and forth before the horde of ninja-wannabe-actors. Behind him stood Iruka, popping aspirins like they were Skittles, and Tenten simply waited, an annoyed expression on her normally calm features. Shino's brow was furrowed slightly as he paced back and force.

"Shino…stop that; you're making me dizzy," said Kiba.

"Arf!"

"Yeah…see, Akamaru agrees with me."

"The fact that your support is from a puppy is slightly diminishing your credibility, Kiba," said Shikamaru. "It's a puppy, for God's sake."

"QUIET!" shouted Tenten.

The two shut up immediately.

Shino continued to pace.

"Okay, I have to agree with dog-boy now," said Tenten. "The pacing is really irritating. Do you _know_ what you are doing?"

"Yes…I do."

"Good. Then get on with it!"

Shino took a deep breath and turned to his fellow shinobi. "Now, I have exactly one month to make you all good actors. All of you can act, to a certain degree. But doing _any_ of Shakespeare's plays takes a lot of work. Since all of your prime is fighting and not acting, this is what you shall do to become good actors."

Silence.

"Er…Shino, maybe you should tell them what they're doing…" said Iruka.

"Oh, right." He took a moment. "In order to increase productivity, and to allow myself, Tenten and Iruka-sensei to do our jobs effectively, for one week, you shall all be split up into groups ranging from 2 to 3. This will apply to the lead actors only. All extras will listen to Tenten as what they shall be doing. The leads will be under the direction of myself and will have one-on-one consultations with me periodically, and Iruka-sensei will be taking your measurements by calling your certain groups. These groups will be ordered as to the lines they do and with whom they do it with most. So, when I call your names, form your groups.

Group A…Sasuke and Naruto!"

Begrudgingly, and finally out of his trap with the wires, Sasuke walked over to stand by Naruto, who seemed to want to kill himself. He didn't want this. Behind him, he could hear the wailing of his fangirls crying "Noooo! Sasuke-kun! Don't turn gay on us!" Sasuke felt as if he agreed with them—on a certain degree, of course; no, Uchiha Sasuke cannot, will not, and refused to be ho-mo-sexual. How could he possibly revive his clan if he were gay? (At this moment, the author would simply like to state that she finds it to be absolutely ridicules that a cold hearted stoicy person like Sasuke would ever get laid, much less get married…And of course, she does not believe that Sasuke-kun has enough of a sex-drive to produce an entire clan in his short life-time…or in the time before his future non-existent wife goes into menopause…)

"Group B…Neji, Shikamaru and Kiba!"

The three boys stood still, not at all moving. A scowl was upon Shikamaru's face. Neji was glaring with eyes to kill. And Kiba and Akamaru were having a conversation in code.

"Arf!"

"Yes…I agree, Akamaru…"

Now, Shikamaru really didn't like the puppy. Sure, it was cute. But Shikamaru didn't understand the word cute—he heard it a lot from Ino, but he never really gave any thought to it as that Ino always and only called Sasuke cute. So, being the uber smart smarty-pants that he was, this was the conclusion that Shikamaru drew on cute things: a) girls seemed to adore them b) they were usually with really annoying people, c) they are evil, and d) cute things like to bite, and it hurts, no matter how cute and adorable girls think they are.

Shikamaru concretely believed that cute things would one day take over the world and force grueling hardships of cute and fuzzy things on them, with pink clouds and fluffy white unicorns, and gum-drops and sugar-plum, and…The brown-haired youth shuddered involuntarily.

As for Neji…well…

"Err…Neji…why are you looking at me like that?" asked Tenten. "Stop looking at me like that…seriously, stop…N-neji? D-daijobou?"

Hyuuga Neji hated all women at this moment in his life. He hated them ALL! Especially a certain weapons master who seemed to like to blackmail people. He also didn't like his cousin very much, but that was a whole other psychological issue that he needed to work through. Neji wanted to see a shrink for all the crap he went through, with his father dying and all (Curse the main family! Curse them!!), and his psycho sensei, his freaky teammate who was his psycho sensei's clone, and a sadistic machiavellian weapons master…Neji really hated his life all of a sudden. But most certainly, he hated women.

And no…he's not gay…eeesh! Just because he hates women, doesn't mean he's a ho-mo-sexual! It simply means he has issues to work out before he marries the said sadistic machiavellian weapons master…

"Group C…Sakura, Jiraiya, Kakashi and Lee!"

Sakura paled. This was by far one of the worst things that has ever happened in her life. Instead of being able to be with her precious (cue Golem impression!), precious Sasuke-kun, she was stuck with two perverts and a bowl-headed idiot who had no sense of fashion. This was beyond bad; it was horrible! Sakura wanted to rush into Sasuke-kun's arms and cry, and cry, and cry, then cry some more. But, by the murderous look in Sasuke's eyes, it wasn't the time—Sakura wasn't _that_ stupid.

Lee was in heaven. Pure absolute heaven. He could finally have some time alone (well, not really since Jiraiya and Kakashi were going to be around, and other actors and stuff) with Sakura in order to woo her heart so that she could finally be his! Hahaha, he laughed rather sinisterly out of character in his head. Err…Not that Lee can laugh sinisterly. He tried, that is as much as you can give him.

As for Pervert #1, and Pervert #2, Jiraiya and Kakashi…that is rated above the rating for this fic…

"Group D…Gai, Anko, Kurenai, and Genma!"

Anko sobbed as Kurenai patted her friend gently on the back. The Jounin was going to have a mental breakdown sometimes soon. Of course, Gai, being the blissful village idiot that he was, is, and always shall be, took no notice of Anko's whimpering of pain and suffer, as that he was still shaking his fist at Kakashi, muttering as to how the Sharingan-eyed man got a better role than he did. Of course, Gai didn't complain too much about it; he got to play Anko's husband, which was pretty good for him. Anko, at the current moment, wanted to tie Gai up like a pretzel and then boil him in hot oil. Kurenai _really_ believed that her friend needed some anger management. Genma…well, he just thought they were all nuts.

"And as for everyone else, you shall all be working in your own large group, in which you shall be under the direction of Tenten." Shino looked around. "So…everybody got that?"

Groan.

Shino smiled. "Okay, you all got it."

Of course, none of them could really _do_ anything about it, fearing the wrath of Tenten, fearing the Iruka's loss of sanity that led to Iruka's wrath…and also fearing the hidden wrath of quiet people like Shino. After all, he was the director and he controlled what they did, and do. They were trapped, with no way out, and under the rule of Shino. They really had no choice; they were utterly terrified at all the evil possibilities…

As those three mice said in _Babe_, "It's the way things are."

* * *

_To be continued…_

* * *

**End Note: **I'm actually really unsatisfied with this chapter. I dunno why. I guess it isn't as humorous as I'd like it to be. I was drunk on martinis half the time I wrote this. Yes! I drink! But I am not alcoholic! It's one of the shorter chapters too, 'cause I wanna save all the juice for later. Shino has evil things planned, he does. ::chuckles evilly::

oO; ::stares: WTF! Why am I in a C2 story collection? I take it as a good thing this fic is in a C2? Anno, thank you to "The Laughing Fox" for having SL in there, beside "Quest of the Green Beast" (Good fic!). I feel so honoured. The irony of it all is that Jia is primarily an angst author, and rarely does humour. Jia feels very honoured that her stupid little fic (that is developing slowly because she is being killed by essays) is being loved. I really never thought that SL would get the support that it has. ::hugs everyone:: After all my exams are done, I will work extra hard on SL! I promise!

I will also like to note, since SL is half way to being done, I would like to thank Miya-chan for her patience, K-chan for her abundance of energy and inspiration for this fic, and Tsubasa-neechan, who gave me a lot of ideas. And a big glomp to Komatsu-sama (who left , sadly) for keeping me sane.

And I humbly bow before Buras-Mew-senpai! ::bows:: Jia is not worthy! I'm so honoured that you found my little moment of insanity interesting. ::bows some more:: Everyone has to read her fic, "Just For The Ladies". ::waves to Tsuki-chan:: And people should read "All Falls Down" too. I would also like to thank everyone for reviewing! You guys are why I write this! ::beams::

I am so thankful to all the reviewers out there for reviewing, and most of all, enjoying _Shakespeare Lives_. I will try my best to attain to your expectations, and hope that you continue to enjoy SL.

Sankyuu, minna-san!

_Jia Z._

* * *

(1) Err…Thatline was specifically inspired and dedicated to my nee-chan and editor, Aku Tsubasa. She has a leash…and a whip too. Sometimes I feel sorry for her boyfriend/fiancée.

(2) I suddenly noticed I typed this out, then I really did jerk and noticed how perverted that line sounded…if you didn't get it…HIS BIG HOUSE!!! HOUSE!! XD ::Jia starts laughing hysterically::

(3) Yes. I was half drunk when I wrote this, so excuse the crap about Power Puff Girls. My friends and I made really, REALLY dirty jokes about that show that are not PG-13! Power…Puff…::shudders::

* * *

_**S**__**hakespeare Li**__**ves! Omake Theatre!**_

Most of our beloved "Naruto" characters are forced to work on the play by day, but what else goes on in their chaotic lives? What are Shino's other bizarre hobbies? Why does Tenten seem to have a blackmailing fetish? Who's on her blackmailing list? How are Naruto and Sasuke coping? Did Sasuke's door survive? Why hasn't Ino killed anyone yet? And what is Neji being blackmailed with? And why does the author keep neglecting certain characters? Apparently, life outside the play is just as bad…

(Plot of filler chapter may change)

* * *

_The __Bible_

In the aftermath of God's Death, all those connect with that destined time moved on—to live and grow and finally be at peace. These are their stories in a time of neither good nor evil, in a time where everything was Limbo. (A eight part Angel Sanctuary Series)

* * *

© January, 2005 by Jia Z. All rights reserved.

* * *


	6. Bad Things Come In Threes : Part I

**Author's Note:** Oh dear…((ducks sharp objects)) Gomennasai minna-san! I'm sorry for not updating for so long. I was suffering from a really bad Writer's Block virus. I have, however, over come the worst of the illness through anti-depressants! However, I can only write some angst. Humour, the doctor says, is a no no. But what the hell! I'm going to shift gears into comedy and write this chapter of _Shakespeare Lives_. Originally, this was supposed to be a filler chapter, but after some re-organizing of ideas, I decided to take that out. Anyways, on with the fic! XD 

**Pairings:** Okay…for this last time…This is a humour/parody fic! I only spoof pairings, so leave me alone already!

**Disclaimer:** ((kicks wall while struggling in a strait jacket)) Damn you lousy suits! I've said it over and over again, I don't own Naruto! Now let me out! 

**Warning:** Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive murder of Mr. Shakespeare.

(This chapter is currently unedited, so be aware of some grammar mistakes and also lack of censorship on certain things. The edited version will be up later when my beta, Miya-chan, for SL decides to grace me with her skills…)

* * *

****

**_Shakespeare Lives_**

By Jia Zhang

_Part VI: Bad Things Come In Threes – Part I_

* * *

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please?"

"No."

"Please!"

"NO! I refuse, absolutely!"

Sasuke sighed as he watched Tenten and Naruto argue back and forth. This had been going on for a while now. It has been nearly two weeks since the rehearsals for the play had started. Each group focused on their own lines, and often conjoined with other groups to practice for certain scenes in the play. Since he and Naruto had a lot of lines together (them being Romeo and Juliet, of course), they spent most of their time together. And no, there were not _other_ meanings behind it; Romeo and Juliet had a lot of lines together, period. (Bad yaoi fangirls, bad bad…get those dirty thoughts of out your heads.)

Now, to some people, this may seem a little weird—after all, how could two _very_ strait boys, who hate each other's guts, play a pair of star-crossed lovers? It was difficult enough to get them not to kill each other, but to pretend to love each other? No one could even get them to be slightly civil to each other! It was absolutely ridicules, of course. However, since Shino had his way, you knew it wasn't going to be orthodox…or normal.

One would have to speculate what kind of effect having bugs running all over your body had on Shino as a child. I mean, _no one_ could like bugs _that much_. It just wasn't normal, so it probably caused some kind of mental trauma for Aburame heir. After all, calling Shino normal would be like saying Neji enjoyed prancing around in a pink floral dress, singing random ABBA songs and grooving to "Dancing Queen". There is no hidden meaning behind Neji liking _Dancing Queen_, no matter how much you want it to, not that Neji actually likes ABBA…though we wish he did, for obvious reasons.

The main reason Shino had picked Naruto to play Juliet was, well, for his Sexy no Jutsu. Now why would Shino want a guy to play a girl, when there were so many other girls who would kill little puppies and kittens to play the part of Juliet? For one, Shino found that real girls are actually incredibly annoying to deal with, since they rarely ever listened. For example, Ino, who Shino was very grateful not to have as a teammate. Also, girls were moody and impossible to control, and always had to have it their way. For example, Tenten, who enjoys the suffering of Neji very much, for some mysterious reason that Shino _really_ did not want to know. He felt that whatever Tenten had blackmailing Neji with would permanently ruin whatever sanity he had left.

Thus, he had to use someone naïve to manipulate, someone to control perfectly, a girl that he could mold into the perfect actress! Of course, Shino was no Pygmalion—art was never one of his strong suites—but he found in Naruto the perfect victim—I mean, actress…er…actor? To Shino, he was like the last donut in the shop that was yet to be decorated with icing and what not. Not that Shino wanted to eat Naruto (Anko's idea of making Naruto-ramen was still bad), he was just perfect for the part of Juliet, with the Sexy no Jutsu after all.

And this was exactly where the problem came from.

For the last two weeks, Naruto did as he was told (since Tenten often came to the rehearsals with more armaments than the Cardasian military. Ooooh…Star Trek reference…), and he practiced and acted his lines—pretty well in fact, to a point where Sasuke sometimes thought Naruto was gay. Of course, that idea went and committed suicide when Naruto started to act like Lee, wooing Sakura till the cows came home…

As it was, Naruto did as he was told, but he simply, indubitably, utterly, completely, entirely, certainly, positively, ridiculously, totally, stupidly, surely, stubbornly, definitely, unquestionably, undeniably, indisputably, profusely, adamantly, insanely…the author can't think of any more words that end with "-ly", but you get the point—Naruto just simply refused to use the Sexy no Jutsu and change into a girl.

(Not that Sasuke complained, of course. One female member was enough to deal with; he did not need two. More like a he/she, though. Sasuke sometimes wondered how coming up with this jutsu never sent Naruto on a sexual identity crisis. Or turn him into a transvestite!)

And this, as Sasuke watched, is what unfolded between Tenten and Naruto. War. Chaos. Massacres, usually with the evil bun-headed girl laughing evilly in her evil way like a certain evil snaky demented evil thing name Orochimaru. It was now pretty much a routine; it always started out as _slightly_ civilized, but it always changes to this…

"I WILL NOT!"

"YES YOU WILL!"

"NO I WON'T!"

"YES YOU BLOODY WILL!"

"NO!"

"YES!"

"BITCH!"

"DUMBARSE!"

"PSYCHO!"

"LOSER!"

"FREAK!"

"RETARD!"

"EVIL!"

"IDIOT!"

"SLUT!"

"Hey, watch it! I am not a slut! That is just an insult to women everywhere!"

"Then why don't you say anything when I call you a bitch?"

Silence. "Because…Sometimes I can be bitchy." (1)

Sasuke groaned impatiently. It was always like this. The same thing everyday—doing this stupid idiotic play. It was really going to be the death of him. "Will you two stop it already…" spoke Shino. "We only have around two weeks left; we need to start getting everything ready, so Naruto, you _have_ to do the Sexy no Jutsu."

"No."

"See, see!" shouted Tenten, frustratingly. "This is what I mean when I say his skull is ask thick as the Great Wall and his brain is the size of a split atom! It's impossible to get through to him."

"Hey! I take offence to that! I do not have a brain the size of a split atom! Maybe a pea, but nothing under that!"

"Right…"

Shino sighed, shaking his head. Slowly, he walked away from the arguing pair, who've somehow conned Sasuke into their war. It wasn't an argument anymore, anyways. Weapons were out, and the stage was once again being destroyed into little itsy bitsy pieces. The ANBU were _really_ tired of having to rebuild the stage over and over again—and now they were all secreting working in their lab, trying to make an indestructible material that won't be wrecked by a bunch of psychotic ninja actors.

"Haha! I have finally found the perfect material! Gundanium alloy! It's like Titanium, but indestructible! We will never have to rebuild that stage again! Hahaha!" spoke Random Ninja #1.

Random Ninja #2 promptly kicked Random Ninja #1 in the head.

"Dumbarse…Wrong Anime. No Gundams in this universe."

"Oops…Sorry. Didn't mean to go crazy there."

"Yeah…right…get back to work."

Anyways, back to the story.

"…Naruto you have to use the Sexy no Jutsu!"

"No!"

"Argh!" Tenten cursed loudly to the point that any sailor (or Anko) would be proud. She stomped angrily across the stage to where Sakura was currently practicing her lines with Jiraiya, and promptly yelled at the two for absolutely no reason.

"YOU CALL THAT ACTING? THAT WAS HORRIBLE! MY PET CAT DOES A BETTER JOB PRETENDING THAT SHE DIDN'T MAKE AN ACCIDENT ON THE FLOOR! AND JIRAIYA, STOP LOOKING AT MY CHEST! PEDOPHILE! PERVERT! HENTAI!"

Shino sighed. He rubbed his temples as Tenten continued to rampage around the stage yelling at the top of her lungs; she was now yelling at Kiba for his…attempt at his lines. "OH MY GOD! WILL YOU SPEAK PROPERLY! DIDN'T YOUR MOTHER EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO READ? OR ARE YOU JUST NATURALLY RETARDED?"

"…Why's she like that _now_?"

Sasuke, Naruto and Shino turned to see Neji (who was very smart to be standing at least 20 m away from Tenten at all times, or Lee, or his Sensei…whichever came first).

"Naruto is refusing to transform into his Sexy no Jutsu mode," stated Shino, pushing up his shades.

"Geez, dobe…why don't you just do it already and end this stupidity. Neji's psycho girlfriend could really kill you one day," mutter Sasuke, rather annoyed.

Neji glared at him with his glareyness in full power. "Watch it, Uchiha." Of course, Sasuke just glared right back.

The two boys began a glaring war. Out of the blue, they noticed something. They both had dark hair, a cold personality, freaky eyes, an angsty past, a psycho female teammate, a ditz of a male teammate, and a bizarre sensei. They could both glare with eyes to kill. And they both were bitchy bishonens to boot! Suddenly, they realized they were soul mates…

"Do you think it's _easy_ holding this jutsu? It's not pleasant you know! Why don't I teach this to you and _you_ can be on the bottom, so I can be on top!"

Crickets chirped in the background. The other three boys looked at Naruto with an astonished look. Sasuke's face was burning red with anger or embarrassment, whichever one you prefer.

Naruto blushed. "Wait! That didn't come out right! I mean 'on top' as in I should be the one on top in our relationship—wait, no! That's not what I mean!—"

"Forget it, Naruto…" Shino sighed. "The point is, you are the one playing Juliet, and you need to transform and start practicing in that form. We have one week till the dress rehearsals start, and only about two weeks before the play begins. We need to start getting everything ready. So can you please use the Sexy no Jutsu already?"

"Think of it as a mission, Naruto. If you don't, Tenten really might just kill you. I should know…" spoke Neji rather depressingly out of character. (Oh my god! Was Neji just nice? The world is coming to an end!)

Naruto sighed, finally defeated. "Fine…I'll do it…"

Sasuke's pride suddenly felt very bruised. _Why did the dobe listen to him and not me? I said the almost the same thing. I'm his teammate, not him. Stupid Neji_, thought the Uchiha.

(Somewhere… "Genma, does Sasuke-kun look green to you, or do I need to go visit the optometrist?" asked Kurenai.

"No…he really looks green. Like a giant lime…But I think you should go visit the optometrist anyways, Kurenai. Having red eyes just isn't normal," replied Genma.)

"All right, that's the way to go…" spoke Shino with a small smile. "Tenten will be happy."

Speak of the Devil; Tenten was currently having a pleasant _chat_ with one of the ANBU in charge of the set designs.

"Does that look like a bloody balcony? Nooooo…I don't think so. It looks more like a poorly made fence! My god! A dog can make a better balcony!"

"Oh look…she made an ANBU cry…" spoke Neji absent mindedly as he looked over at the scene of disaster. "I was wondering when that was going to happen."

"SUCK IT UP, YOU CRY-BABY NANCY!" (2)

"Damn she's mean…" commented Sasuke. "How do you put up with it…?"

"Dunno…I tip my own hat at my endurance…" replied Neji.

"Neji, you don't wear a hat…"

"I know…"

"Okay Naruto, transform," instructed Shino.

"Hai…Sexy no Jutsu!" said Naruto as he did the seal. In a puff of white smoke Naruto transform into Sailor Moon, enemy of the Negaverse, defender of Love and Justice and your worst nightmare…opps…Naruto transformed into fem-Naruto, in all his…her…glory.

Promptly, all three boys received nosebleeds, and Neji went and fainted.

"With cloths on, Naruto…" said Shino as blood continued to drip from his nose.

"Opps. Sorry!"

Sasuke never knew Naruto had such a large chest…He finally solved the mystery as to why the blonde kitsune never gained weight from eating so much ramen.

* * *

Iruka sighed depressingly as he looked at Konoha Theatre entrance. He wonders everyday why he had agreed to this…horrible experience. Well, it was Hokage-sama's command (damn evil woman! Damn her to hell!), so he couldn't really go against it. (Besides, if he had done something, he would have said bye-bye to his pay for a good month or two) Iruka had always suspected something bad was going to happen during the rehearsals for the play—and he didn't now just exactly how right his premonition was.

As they say, bad things come in threes, and Iruka would feel the total force of the first bad event that occurs with Konoha's Shakespearean play…

Dot dot dot…

Iruka's pale face shared absolutely shocked at Naruto, while Shino just blanched and remained in quiet stunned silence. It had been a few days now since Naruto finally decided to start rehearsing in his female-mode. And on this particularly bright and sunny Konoha day, Naruto would drop on the little production a very horrible atomic bomb. Woo! Phallic symbol!

"W-w-w-w-w-w-w-what?" stuttered the teacher. "C-come again?"

Fem-Naruto sighed adorably. "I've said this for four times already!"

"I-I just wanna make certain my ears didn't suddenly go to commit suicide…"

"Fine…" pouted the blonde. "I was just in the washroom…for the certain needs of the body, and I noticed this red stuff on my…underwear, and I came running…and you know the rest…"

Flashback no Jutsu!

"_Iruka-sensei!" cried Naruto as he ran towards his guardian._

"_Naruto, what is it?" asked the mother-hen worriedly. "What's wrong?"_

_The blonde sniffled. "I'm injured!"_

"_What? How?"_

"_I-I was in the washroom, and I noticed this red stuff on my underwear, and when I looked closer…it…it was blood! I'm bleeding to death, Iruka-sensei! I'll never become Hokage, and I won't get to beat Sasuke-teme, and I won't win Sakura-chan's heart, and, and—"_

"_Whoa…hold up there Naruto," said Iruka, calming down the frantic and panicky kitsune. "What do you mean blood? You don't look injur—"_

_Iruka suddenly went quiet and pale as realization hit him like an anvil that was the size of Texas state and twice as heavy as an asteriod. This was bad…bizarre…but really, really, really, really, really, really, really, and did I emphasize on the really, big problem._

End Flashback no Jutsu! Ping!

Dot dot dot… 

"WHAT?" shouted Tenten as the chocolate milk she was drinking sprayed out of her nose, spraying right onto Iruka. She stared wide-eyed at Shino and Iruka, who had come to tell her the horrible, bizarre, and rather impossible situation that had engulfed Naruto. "What do you mean Naruto got his _period_! Is that even possible? What the hell?"

"Er…well…" spoke Shino quietly as he pushed up his shades, sweat-dropping nervously as Iruka took a paper towel to wipe the chocolate milk off him. "Uh, well, apparently, when Naruto changes into his Sexy no Jutsu mode, he _really_ changes into a woman. Nobody ever knew how exactly Naruto created that jutsu, or how it exactly works, but apparently he really does change into a girl every time he transforms…along with all bodily female parts included…both inside and out…"

Tenten stared in stunned disbelief, chocolate milk slightly dribbling out of her mouth as she gawked at her fellow co-workers.

"H-h-h-how…did this happen?" she asked, her voice cracking slightly.

"Well…" spoke Iruka softly. "Naruto was in the washroom when he noticed that there was some…um, blood on his underpants…and of course, he thought he was injured, and he came to me, and well…both Shino and I came to the conclusion, after having a nurse examine Naruto, that he had gotten his period…"

"Did you tell him this?"

"No…" said the two in union.

"Apparently, Naruto was never given…the _talk_…" Iruka answered.

"We didn't know how to tell him, exactly…" said Shino. "It's a rather bizarre situation…"

"NO BLOODY DUH!" shouted Tenten exasperatingly. The dark haired kunoichi held her head in her hands, slightly rocking back and forth on her chair. "This cannot be possible! This is absolutely ridicules! What are we going to do? We need to somehow fix this…what the hell, what the hell? How did this idiot come up with this jutsu? Does this mean that if I use this jutsu, I'd become a man!"

Tenten suddenly went quiet as Neji popped into her mind. She shook her head furiously. "Damn! Bad thoughts, bad thoughts!"

"Well, someone needs to tell him what's happened…" spoke up Iruka.

"Someone needs to explain to him what's going on with his body…" said Shino.

"Someone needs to tell him what a period is…"

"Someone needs to give him the _talk_…"

"And someone needs to explain to him the…female products in the world…"

As Tenten stopped shaking her head to get the bad thoughts out, she turned to Shino and Iruka and noticed they were staring at her intently, and suddenly it dawned on her.

"Oh no! No, no, no, no, no, no, no!" screamed the weapons master. "No way in bloody, _freaking_, hell am I going to _enlighten_ him about the female reproduction system and the wonders of childbirth! No way! Absolutely no! No! No! NO!"

"But Tenten…you're a girl…You're the stage manager, you're supposed to make sure everything goes accordingly. This is a…very delicate situation that has arisen, and it's your job as stage manager to solve it," replied Shino. "I mean, if not explained properly, Naruto could receive some harming mental trauma from this…event…"

"Screw you, bastard…" She glared at him hatefully.

"Please Tenten…" begged Iruka

"No bloody way…"

"Onegai, Tenten…for the play…for me…" said Shino as he gave her a charming smile, his shades sliding down the ridge of his nose slightly, allowing his eyes to peer intently at the dark haired girl.

Now, apparently Shino could be very charming when he wanted to be, and that was something no one ever thought was possible. This was especially true when you didn't see the bugs that were usually all over him, or inside him…but that sounds so wrong. Tenten blushed a bit, growling angrily, like a tigress protecting her young, or her sanity.

"You bastard…fine…But you're buying me dinner!"

Shino smiled. "Hai…"

* * *

Oh, all must pity the blissful, naïve idiot…

Tenten twitched slightly as she stood before Naruto (still in femmy-form, pretty blue eyes sparkling with curiousity and confusion…insert random "kawaii!"), her eyes closed, a bright vein popping on her forehead. Oh, Tenten was not happy. Saying she was bitchy would be like saying Sasuke is romantic, something we _all_ know is very, very not true. Tenten was on the edge of blowing up the world, or taking it over, whichever came first—everything was really driving her out of a year worth of sanity (well, mostly safety for Neji and Lee).

"Umm…Tenten?" asked Naruto curiously.

The dark haired girl ignored him…her…The author is having trouble using the correct term, since English has no medium between him and her. Damn the English language! Damn you!

Anyways, the reason as to why Tenten was currently ignoring Naruto was that she was trying very desperately to control her anger, as so that she doesn't take out all her weapons and blow him up into pieces, screaming some profanity, then crackling evilly as she takes over the world…She suddenly hated this jutsu.

"Tenten?" Naruto waved a hand in front of the weapons master. "Yoo-hoo? Anyone ho—AHHH!"

The blonde scream painfully as Tenten suddenly opened her eyes, her hand moving as fast as lighting and gripping Naruto's waving hand and crushing it, as her normally sparkly brown eyes turned into a red glint.

"Yarou…" she glared scarily.

"Itai! Itai! Itai! Itai! Itai! Itai! Itai! Itai! Itai! Itai!" cried the blonde in agony. "Onegai! HELP! You're crushing my hand!"

"GOOD! YOU DESERVE IT!"

"WHAT DID I DO?"

"BASTARD!"

"BITCH!"

"LOSER!"

"PSYCHO!"

"FREAK!"

"SLUT!"

"Hey! Didn't I tell you before not to call me a slut?"

"Yeah…But I knew that would stop you from crushing my hand…"

Begrudgingly, Tenten let go of Naruto's hand, puffing in anger as Naruto nursed his hand. "What is wrong with you?" asked Naruto's curiously. "You almost killed my hand…"

Tenten continued to twitch uncontrollably. "N-Naruto…do you know _why_ exactly am _I _having a private conversation with you…?"

"No…"

"Um…Do you know how exactly your jutsu works?"

"Hn…Now that you mention it, not really. I mean, I just pretty much look at mags all day and then came up with the jutsu…"

Tenten sweat-dropped. "You're a regular chibi-Jiraiya, aren't you?"

"Hey! I am not like ero-senin!"

"Right…Anyways, moving on…Well, since you don't _know_…I should tell you exactly why you're bleeding in…um…that _certain area_…"

Naruto looked slightly panicky all of a sudden. "I'm not dying am I? NOOO! And I didn't get to beat Sasuke-teme, or marry Sakura-chan, or…or…become Hokage!"

In such, Naruto took this moment to run around screaming, like a KFC chicken! Luckily, Choji didn't see him or would've eaten him. (Bad Anko and her Naruto ramen ideas…)

"SHIT DOWN! SHUT UP!" shouted Tenten.

Immediately, Naruto sat down and shut up.

"Now…" spoke the dark haired girl through gritted teeth. "Naruto…you are not dying. What's currently happening to your…body…is perfectly natural…_for girls_…"

"Then, what is happening to me!"

For a moment, Tenten couldn't speak. Her face was slightly flushed and red, and her lips were pierced together so tight, and she looked so angry that Naruto thought she was going to explode at any moment.

"Well…"

"Na…Naruto…You got…your first…period…"

"My what?" The kitsune blinked cluelessly.

Tenten twitched some more. "Let's just say that…if you were a _real girl_…you could now have a baby…"

Naruto blinked at her some more, completely oblivious…Then it began to sink in. "I CAN _WHAT_?"

Tenten took a deep breath and unveiled the mini-chalk board behind her. On the chalk board it said…

_WELCOME TO TENTEN'S SEX EDUCATION CLASS 101_

**(At this moment the author would like to ask all readers who have yet to have Sex Ed to scroll down to a bold comment similar to this, as so that the author does not get her arse sorely kicked by **

And there was nothing in the world that could describe Naruto's reaction…He was stunned, more stunned than anyone could ever be stunned…more stunned probably than the whole world when they found out they had to have Bush for another four years…More stunned that a 5 year old kid finding out Santa Claus was a fiction of adults, thus traumatizing the child forever…More stunned than preppy girls when they found out that the Backstreet Boys were OLD…More stunned than the man living under the rock who just found out Michael Jackson liked little boys…as more than little boys…

To say the least…Naruto was stunned to silence.

Oooh…Look the chirping crickets!

"W-w-w-w-w-w-what?"

"Stop doing that Hinata-chan thing!"

Naruto gawked at the girl before him. "So…you're going to…"

"Yep…I'm gonna give you the _talk_…(I wonder why Iruka-sensei never did this…)"

Suddenly…Naruto _really _regretted ever agreeing to use the Sexy no Jutsu…

**30 Minutes Later**

"…and then, if the egg is not fertilized by a male sperm, the lining of the uterus, which is made mostly of fatty and bloody tissue, gets loosened and becomes loose enough that it flows out of the uterus, into the vagina, and out of the female body…"

Naruto's eyes were bulging out of his sockets as Tenten, with her pointer, explain through the use of a not very sugar coated diagram.

"So…so that's what's happening to me right now?"

"Yep…"

"And girls go through this once a month?"

"Yep…"

"For like nearly 50 years?"

"Yep…"

"But I never see any blood on your clothes…"

"That's where the wonderful invention of pads, panty-liners, and tampons come in…"

Naruto blinked. "Tam what?"

**30 more minutes later**

"…and basically you just insert the tampon tube up the vagina, and then you hold it here, and then you push this up, and take the tube part out and the tampon itself, as I demonstrated before—that bobby thing—stays in the vagina and soaks up the blood…And they have to be changed every one to two hours or they either start to leak, or stink…"

Once again, Tenten had used a very not sugar coated diagram…And it was not pretty.

"Um…what…what if it gets stuck up in there, if the little…string breaks…?"

Tenten blinked at him before rolling her eyes, as if that was the stupidest question ever. "You go in and take it out…"

"Um…from where and how?"

"You reach inside the vagina and take it out…"

"Oh my god…" Naruto gulped. "…I think I'm traumatized for life…"

"Yep…and that's why everyone prefers pads. Easier to use, especially concerning sex…" Tenten suddenly realized something. "Naruto…do you know how a baby is born?"

"No…"

Bad answer…

**30 more minutes later**

"…and the penis then is inserted into the vagina where the male ejaculates inside of the female, and then the process of fertilization occurs, where the sperm meets with an ovary and thus the process of creating a life begins…"

Naruto's face was pale and he was sweating very badly. Apparently, Tenten hadn't yet realized that Naruto may still be a _little_ to young to be given the talk, especially by a girl—of course, Iruka had somehow conned his way out of this, because no one _enjoyed_ explaining the wonders of creating a life. Unless they were insanely perverted and screwed around like a rabbit.

"Well…" spoke Tenten. "What do you think?"

"_That's_…how you have…_sex_?" asked the blonde incredulously.

"Yep…"

Naruto cringed slightly. "Isn't there any other way?"

"Well…there are different…ways of having sex, but that's the only way to have a baby…" Tenten's eyes suddenly lit up with an idea. "Oh, Naruto…do you know how a birth happens?"

**30 more minutes later**

**"**PUSH! COME ON! IT'S AMLOST THERE! I CAN ALMOST SEE THE HEAD!"

"ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

"PUSH! COME ON! I SEE THE HEAD! ALMOST THERE, ALMOST THERE!"

"ARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"COME ON! YOU CAN DO IT! THE HEAD'S OUT! ONE PUSH MORE, AND YOUR ALMOST THERE! PUSH!"

"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH"

"ALMOST THERE! IT'S ALMOST OUT! ONE MORE PUSH! COME ON! I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!"

"IT'S OUT!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh!"

"My baby!"

"It's a boy!"

Tenten turned the video off and took it out of the TV. "Well Naruto, did you learn something?"

And Naruto just sat there, completely pale, his eyes almost coming out of his sockets. He looked absolutely sick, as if he were about to throw up any minute…Well, basically he looked as if he were a dead squirrel that had been crushed by a gigantic lumber truck coming from Canada, with a driver who was apparently fat and half blind…Poor squirrel, I mean poor Naruto…

"Well? I thought that _How Births Happen_ video from a biology class would help you learn a thing or two about women giving birth…So…what do you think…?" (3)

Naruto gulped. "I suddenly wish I was gay…"

"That could _still _be arranged…" Tenten smiled rather evilly as she suddenly wanted to inform Sasuke of the nature of now women give birth.

**30 _more_ minutes later (All readers who are scrolling please stop here)**

"…and these are night liners, for when you go to bed as so that you don't make a big mess on your sheet. And um, some tampons just in case you run out of pads. Oh! Try not to drink anything too cold when you have your period; they cause bad cramps. And oh! I almost forgot…here's some pain killers just in case you happen to get some cramps…"

"Domo…"

"So, how are things going?"

Tenten turned to see Shino walk into the classroom of the Academy where the two had borrowed to explain sex education to Naruto. The bun-headed gave Shino a little cheery smile. "Oh, Shino…We just got finished…And I think it went quite well in fact!"

"Speak for yourself…" mumbled Naruto (still in fem-form!) as he sauntered out of the room carrying a paper bag full of…female products… "I think I've been traumatized for life…"

Shino blinked at him curiously as the blonde boy/girl walked out of the classroom. The dark haired Aburame heir turned to the weapons master. "What exactly _did_ you teach him?"

Tenten shrugged. "You know, the basics."

"Do I want to know?"

"No…I'm sure you don't."

* * *

Sasuke watched in curiousity as he saw Naruto the next day. He seemed pale, and distraught, and there were huge bags under his eyes as if he hadn't slept a wink the previous night. Naruto look terrible, even in his femmy form. He sauntered over to Sasuke, lacking energy to argue with the dark haired Uchiha heir, basically lacking any of his normal spunk.

"What's wrong with you, dobe?" asked Sasuke, uncharacteristically concerned. "You look as if someone died…"

"Something did die…My Sanity…" muttered the blonde depressingly.

"Why? What happened?" Sasuke suddenly blinked in realization. "Does this have anything to do with what Tenten wanted to talk to you about yesterday?"

Naruto cringed and sank to the floor. He held on to himself tightly, rocking back and forth, chanting over and over again, "Bad…bad…bad…"

Sasuke blinked at the blonde girl, who seemed to have finally lost it, rocking back and forth as if he had spent the night in some asylum, being molested by a crazy person. Which actually wasn't too far from the truth—as that Naruto spend the night in an asylum (the classroom) being molested (given a traumatizing version of _the talk_) by a crazy person (Tenten).

"What the hell is wrong with you?" asked Sasuke.

"S-S-Sasuke…were you ever given…_the talk_?" asked Naruto timidly.

Sasuke blinked in surprise, before blushing crimson. "Err…yes…why do you ask?"

"I was just given _the talk_…"

"By Tenten?"

The blonde nodded traumatically.

"B-but…why?"

"You don't want to know."

"How bad could it really have been? I mean, she's…scary and all, but it couldn't have been as traumatic as _having your family slaughtered by your own brother_! Damn you, Itachi! I will kill you and avenge the clan—itai!"

Sasuke rubbed the back of his head painfully, where Naruto had bopped him one two. "What the hell was that for?"

"This isn't about you! This is _my_ traumatic experience with a psycho kunoichi! My god…I wonder how Lee and Neji stand her…wait, actually I only wonder how Neji can stand her…She's evil! Pure absolute evil! More evil than Oro—wait!" Naruto suddenly turned to Sasuke, realizing something. "Who gave you _the talk_? It obviously wasn't your father or your brother…"

"Thanks a lot…and no, it wasn't my father or my…my…well, it wasn't him!"

"Then who was it?" asked Naruto in honest curiousity.

Now, it was a rare sight to see Sasuke blush. Normally, his cheeks would just give off a nice pinkish colour and made him actually seem cute, but this…this was _full out blush_! Sasuke was as red as a tomato, and Naruto could feel the heat of embarrassment coming off of Sasuke. Now he was _really_ curious…

"Well? Who was it?"

Sasuke's blush of embarrassment increased. "It was…"

"Who? I didn't hear you…"

"It was…"

"What?"

"It was…"

"Come again?"

"DAMMIT NARUTO, IT WAS KAKASHI-SENSEI!"

Immediately the stage stopped it's acting and what not from Sasuke's loud outburst and turned to look at the leading pair. Sasuke's blush increased as he put up his very best patented Sasuke Super Glare and shot it at the crowd. Right away, the entire cast went back to whatever they were doing, afraid of Sasuke's wrath of vengeance!

"No!" said Naruto incredulously.

"Yes…" muttered Sasuke begrudgingly.

"When?"

"Before the chuunin exams…"

"And? How was it?"

"It was okay…I guess…"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I dunno, I don't exactly want to broadcast this to the world…"

"But…wow! Kakashi-sensei! That's better than Tenten!"

At this moment, the author suddenly stops writing and rereads the last little bit that she had written and asks herself curiously, "Wait, am I writing a KakaSasu fic? 'Cause it sounds like Naruto just finding out that Sasuke had made mad passionate love with Kakashi…and _now_ I feel like a pedophile…" The author shakes her head and goes back to writing…

Meanwhile…

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

A very pissed off and irritated Anko was currently tided to a pole by her fellow Jounins, as so she doesn't go berserk and slaughters poor idiotic Gai. Anko's eyes were bloodshot and red from anger, her cheeks were flushed, and she was foaming at the mouth. One could be expecting her to suddenly howl then grow ears and a tail then turn into a werewolf. Of course, this wasn't that kind of a story, so Anko stayed her I'm-going-to-bloody-kill-Gai-foaming-at-the-mouth mode.

Of course, Gai had no idea why Anko's reaction was the way it was, and he continue to sing her love songs in poor broken Spanish, while he wore a gigantic pink sombrero, playing a floral guitar wearing floral clothes (it would seem that Gai really liked the floral pattern)…his voice sounded like someone was like killing cats with violins. Not a pretty voice at all, and the day that would be pretty is the day Sasuke decides to have his own cooking TV show as he made pretty flowery pottery and what not like Martha Stewart. Think…Sasuke in a pink apron…

"Anko…I think you should calm down," spoke Genma. "I mean, it's not a big deal…playing Gai's wife."

Anko suddenly turned to Genma, snarling angrily, foam-from-mouth spitting out at him as she cursed angrily. "_CENSOR! CENSOR! CENSOR, CENSOR, CENSOR!_"

And all poor Genma could do was stare shockingly at Anko, who puffed with anger. "Right…" muttered the Jounin. "This is why I don't hang around you people…" He promptly decided to walk away from the snarling-mouth-foaming Anko, who was attempting to murder a guitar-singing, sombrero-wearing Gai. And off Genma went to find _his_ wife, Kurenai, who he was sure was once again helping Hinata-chan with her speaking deficiency.

As he looked around for Kurenai, he noticed a very depressed, on-the-edge-of-suicide Sakura, who seemed to be attempting to get her group to actually work. Unfortunately, that was as easy as trying to get Naruto to go on a Ramen Help Group to quite his addiction. Kakashi was his lazy self, reading Icha Icha Paradise, while Jiraiya, Mr. Pervert #1, was off by the women's changing stalls…peeking. Now, if it was in the real world, Jiraiya would've been arrested 3 million times and over for sexual harassment and…other unmentionables. As Tenten had screamed, "Pedophile!". Well, at least we can be thankful that Jiraiya is no Michael Jackson. Poor Sakura sighed depressingly, "Why? What did I do to deserve this? All I wanted was to play Juliet…and be able to kiss Sasuke-kun…But nooooo! I had to get Kakashi-sensei and Jiraiya! This is ridicules!"

And all Inner Sakura was shouting was: "I could've screwed him silly! But nooooooo! Naruto—NARUTO OF ALL PEOPLE—plays his love interest! What the _CENSOR CENSOR CENSOR_!"

Finally, Genma found his way to Kurenai, who was sitting on a chair beside a very panic stricken Hinata, who seemed to have frozen into a Popsicle. A coconut Popsicle, by the way, since the author likes things to do with coconuts. The crimson-eyed Jounin held her head in her hands, and kept sighing depressingly. "Oi…Kurenai, what's wrong?"

The Jounin looked up at Genma, with a half-dead, half-alive kinda look. "Un…?" she muttered senselessly.

Genma turned to look at the frozen Hinata. "And what's wrong with Hinata?"

Kurenai rolled her eyes depressingly. "This is the first time I have ever failed at being a teacher. But I give up! I absolutely give up! This is…just…impossible! Nothing in the world can get Hinata to open up!" The red-eyed woman shook her head. "I just _enlightened_ Hinata to the fact that all of Konoha (and perhaps some other regions, depending on how Tsunade was feeling that particular day) would be watching our little production…and well—" She gestured to the white-eyed girl beside her. "This is the result."

"Ah…I see…" replied Genma, as that he really had nothing better to say. Now Genma was a smart guy; he slowly began to etch away from Kurenai and her frozen pupil, knowing that any moment Kurenai would be asking him those dreaded words…

"Wait…Genma…maybe you could help me with this?"

Damn, thought the Jounin, I didn't leave fast enough.

Meanwhile…

Now Tenten was not called the weapons master for nothing—not only did she own a _very_ impressive collection that would be marveled by a certain mad, deranged, socialpathical, and power driven snake (hint hint, nudge nudge), but Tenten also highly enjoyed other various activities. For example, scaring her teammates and sensei (well, scaring people in general). She also enjoyed blackmail, which was lovely to hold over people's heads, watch them squirm and twitch in suffering and humiliation (insert evil laughter). It was oddly satisfying and better than a good box of Pocky or two. But Tenten also highly enjoyed power tools.

So, of course, one would have to understand the pleasure in which Tenten was having at making certain stage parts and what not…welding, hammering, sawing, and screw-driving different things, and she was having as much fun as catching Neji—opps! Almost gave it away there… Well, as much as she would enjoy seeing Sasuke prance around in a sunflower dress, wearing butterfly hair clips, singing love songs, and confessing his undying love for Naruto. Oh, Tenten would _really_ enjoy that.

Of course, everyone had to know that you simply didn't bother the weapons master when she was:

1) Blackmailing

2) Scaring people (usually with sharp objects)

and 3) When she was using power tools

Of course, what Iruka just _had to do_ was stop Tenten in the middle of power tooling certain things.

"What is it?" shouted the brown-eyed kunoichi as she took off her welding mask.

"Umm…Tenten…I have a little…problem…" said Iruka, rather quietly.

Twitch, twitch. "And…? What's the problem?"

"Well, you see—" Iruka suddenly looked around to see that the object of his problem was missing. "Wait! Hold a moment; I'll be back." And in a puff of smoke, Iruka disappeared.

"Yarou…stopping my power tooling for nothing," pouted the weapons master suspiciously out of character.

"Okay! I'm back!"

Tenten turned to see Iruka half-drag and half-push Neji towards her. After all, Neji did have that must-stay-5m-away-from-sensei-and-teammates thing. However, Iruka, having his own scary, traumatizing kids with cats moments, shoved the white-eyed Hyuuga towards his foot-tapping-power-tool-holding teammate. "He is my problem."

"Oh? How so?"

"Well…the costumes for almost all of the actors, especially all the males, involves tights. I've already gotten the measurements from everyone, and I've fitted everyone at least once (even Sasuke, after hours of pleading), just…not Neji."

"Oh."

"So I was wondering if you could maybe fit him in these and see how they are—if they're too loose, tell me, if they're too revealing, tell me, and if they're perfect, tell me too."

"Right…so you basically want me to stuff Neji into a pair of…are those _pink_ tights?"

"No…it's salmon…"

"Salmon my arse! It's pink!" shouted the Hyuuga angrily. "I refuse to be objectified to this!"

Tenten raised an eyebrow. "Oh you won't, will you…"

And there it was…Neji cringed slightly as he gazed at that evil look in Tenten's eyes. "Uh, Iruka-sensei…will you leave the two of us alone for a little while and I'll get the fitting back to you as soon as I can." And she smiled so brightly and cheerfully that Neji's fear turned him into jelly.

"Umm…I don't know if I should—"

Tenten continued to smile abnormally freakish. "No, no! We'll be fine. I promise I won't eat him."

"All right then…" said Iruka as he turned to leave, not seeing the look on Neji's face that said… "Please don't leave me with this psychopath! She _is_ going to eat me! (Or rape me…)"

Unfortunately for Neji, his cries for help went unheeded.

"Now…Neji…" An evil glint sparkled in Tenten's eyes. "Please get into these tights…"

Neji glared at her hatefully. "No…"

"Get. Into. The tights."

"No…"

"Get. Into. The. Tights."

"No…"

"Get. In. To. The. Tights."

"No…"

"Dammit, Neji! Just get into the bloody tights!"

"No! My pride and honour is on the line!"

"Don't deny the wheels of fate, Neji! They're commanding you to GET INTO THE TIGHTS!"

"THIS ISN'T FATE! THIS IS SOME CRUEL, SICK, TWISTED AND EVIL FORM OF UNUSUAL PUNISHMENT! LIKE WHAT HOKAGE-SAMA IS DOING TO UCHIHA!"

"That's got nothing to do with this!"

"Yes it does!"

"Just get into the tights!"

"No!"

"Why not? You getting a fitting for the tights would make everything so much simpler! You have no true reason to not do this!"

"It's the principle of the matter!"

"C'mon! I bet you'll look really pretty in these…_salmon_ tights…"

"Don't even joke about things like that, onna. It's pink. Hyuuga Neji does not wear pink."

"I'm being serious! Just get into the tights, Neji…"

"No way in Hell…"

Tenten twitched violently as a bright red vein popped threateningly on her forehead. "_Yarou_…GET INTO THE BLOODY TIGHTS!"

"NO!"

Outside the room where Tenten and Neji were left alone, all the other actors and stage crew watched in fascination at the insane racket coming from inside, from loud crashes, to banging, to shouts of profanity, random shouts of "I HATE YOU!", and random sounds of things breaking. Oh joy! They were having a nice romp.

"What do you think they're doing in there?" Naruto asked Sasuke curiously.

Just as the Uchiha heir was about to anger, a kunai broke through the room wall and went whizzing past his ear. He sweat-dropped nervously. "I'm sure we don't want to know…" he finally replied.

**3 hours later**

"HA!"

Tenten beamed triumphantly, her face flushed and her hair in a mess. She stood above the Hyuuga, her hands rested on her hips, a bright satisfied and supreme smile on her face. "Now, that wasn't so difficult was it?"

The white-eyed young man glared hatefully up at the kunoichi from his place on the floor.

Apparently, for the last three hours, Tenten and Neji had an intense battle, in which Tenten took the opportunity to trap the Hyuuga, strip him down to the skinny (no, there was no molestation involved), and then stuffed him inside the pink, I mean the _salmon_ tights, which was more of a struggle than anything else, because getting into tights were hard enough, but _forcing_ someone into tights was even harder—especially when that person was _the_ Hyuuga Neji.

"Now…stand up."

The Hyuuga just continued to glare at the girl.

"C'mon…just stand up and let me take a look and it'll be all over," said the dark haired girl sweetly.

Neji puffed in anger and stood up begrudgingly.

"Okay…now let me see. Good…it firms your leg muscles. Nothing is too tight. Nothing is too loose. Frames your arse very nicely…" At this, Neji blushed. "Okay! It looks like everything is great! Now we can go tell Iruka-sensei that everything is good!"

"Finally!" As Neji went over to the door and turned the knob, he suddenly stopped.

"What's wrong…"

"The door won't open…"

And bad thing number two suddenly decides to grace us all with its presence.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE DOOR WON'T OPEN?"

* * *

to be continued

* * *

**Author's Note:** Yay! ((beams)) I finally got another chapter of SL completed! Ten points to Jia! ((sweat-drop)) I _really_ have to stop picking up my friend's bizzaro streaks. Anyways, hope you all enjoyed this chapter of SL. More of _Bad Things Come In Threes_ will be released in the next couple of weeks, so I hope you can all be patient for just a little while. I still have a lot of projects to work on, like my Angel Sanctuary serial "The Bible" (which I hope everybody will get a chance to read, 'cause for this fic I am writing in my proper realm of Angst) At least this chapter of SL was nice and long, no? ((smile)) And I rather enjoyed writing it, although it was as humorous as other chapters, seeing that I just gotten over a really bad Writer's Block.

Since this chapter is called "Bad Things Come In Threes", I'm sure you can all guess that part II will have bad thing number 3. However…the author was only able to come up with two really good bad things, and doesn't like her third bad thing. So if anyone is kind enough to give me a good idea, or shove me in the right direction, I will be extremely grateful!

(I would also like to note that Tenten's Sex Education 101 is the DIRECT excerpt from an _actual_ sex ed class. ((smile)) So it shouldn't destroy your sanity too much. ((glares at FF))I DID BUMP UP THE BLOODY RATING! SO LEAVE ME ALONE! THESE PEOPLE KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GETTING INTO!)

Domo minna-san! And continue to review! Oh yes, and DON'T tattle on me just because you haven't had the "Talk" like Naruto…

_Jia Zhang_

* * *

_B__ad things keep hitting the little production left and right. First, Naruto gets his period and turns all moody on everyone. Then Tenten and Neji suddenly disappear…What could possibly go wrong? Well, they're about to find out. Shino is getting stress out of his mind, Iruka is losing it, and Sasuke suddenly feels like following in his brother's footsteps, and how are Genma and Kurenai going to help Hinata? Meanwhile, Sharkman and his companion decides to grace Konoha with their prescence…What could possibly be in store for our victims—I mean heroes? Find out in the next chapter of Shakespeare Lives, "Bad Things Come In Threes – Part II"!_

(1) A basic "copy and past" of an usual conversation I usually have with my nee-chan, that always starts out with "bitch" and ends with "slut"…

(2) I have been watching a little too much "Everybody Loves Raymond", and I got that from Frank… oO; Hoi...

(3) They actually show the birthing process in grade 9 science classes. oO;

* * *

© March, 2005 by Jia Zhang. All rights reserved.

* * *


	7. Bad Things Come in Threes : Part II

**Author's Note:** Okay. I am Back. Read the final note I have. For now, I have to say…two reviews away from 300…Holy crap…((dies))

**Pairings: **One more time…I only SPOOF pairings…there are no actual pairings…No yaoi, no het, no NOTHING! I prefer to write het, but I like yaoi pairings. So I hate choosing one over the other. That is why SL will have no pairings. Just spoofing.

**Disclaimer: **((glares at the suits who have come to take her away)) You people are idiots…does it just not sink through your heads that I DON'T OWN NARUTO! ((struggles in the straight jacket))

**Warning:** Be prepared for possible OOCness, weird stuff, and the excessive murder of Mr. Shakespeare.

* * *

**Shakespeare Lives**

By Jia Zhang

_Part VI: Bad Things Come In Threes – Part II_

* * *

Now, being a part of a super evil organization was not all it was cracked up to be. It may seem like a lot of fun for wannabe evildoers of the future, but for Uchiha Itachi, it was not so peachy. At the beginning, when Itachi was just a young lad, he never had a plan to completely eradicate his entire family (save his brother) and betray his village, then become a wanted S class ninja, as well as a major symbol of fangirl squealing. In fact, when Itachi was just an iddy-biddy little baby, he wanted to be a soap star.

(That's right…a soap star…Not porn, not movies, not Primetime television…Soaps…)

Subsequently, Itachi and Sasuke's mother had been a bit of a stage fan, in saying that she liked plays, movies, and the likes _a lot_. In fact, their mother highly—and when I say highly I mean _extremely—_enjoyed watching soap operas. This started around the time she became pregnant with Itachi, she'd often watch soaps of tragedy, betrayal, fraud, yada yada, while her husband was out working. And when Itachi was born, sometimes he'd watch those soap operas with his mother.

One thing particularly that stuck out in Itachi's memory was a woman who couldn't choose between two men who were brothers, in which one she had been in love with since she was a child, and the other she thought was her childhood sweetheart whom she had a child with. It was all a very complicated matter. And Itachi always thought the woman was a bit of an idiot…of course you choose your first love! That was what little Itachi thought …such a little romantic he had been…

There was also the occasional evil villain on the soaps, who plotted and schemed, simply to relish in other people's misery through his company and power and wealth. He'd manipulate people into hating or loving each other, and even ended up controlling their minds and corrupting their personality. (Yes…all must hail _Days Of Our Lives_…leave the author alone. She likes Soaps.)

And you wonder why Itachi turned out the way he did.

Too much watching of soap operas is bad for anyone's sanity.

Now, as I was saying before, when Itachi was an iddy-biddy little baby, he had watched _way_ too much soap operas for his own good, and he ended up wanting to be one of those soap opera actors. Unfortunately for him, there were no such job opportunities in the Village of the Hidden Leaf for such a career, and his father would have gone crazy if he had found out that his prized son wanted to be an actor. Itachi especially wanted to play one of those evil villains on those soaps.

But that plan didn't turn out very well—so instead, he did the closest thing to a soap opera. He killed his clan, leaving only his younger brother alive, knowing that Sasuke would want revenge so badly that he'd dedicate his entire life to killing him.

If this wasn't a soap opera, Itachi didn't know what was!

So now, Uchiha Itachi's life was a living soap opera.

However, even though he had become this evil villain, being an Akatsuki member really was not as glamorous and exciting as it appeared to be. No, it really was not. Firstly, he couldn't kill people randomly—that was against the Akatsuki code, which specifically stated not to kill people randomly, for when they took over the world, they needed people to control. If they had nobody to control, what would be the point of taking over the world? That was stupidity for some evildoers who wanted to take over the world simply to kill everybody. What would be the point of an empty world? Really stupid…

Secondly, Itachi had possibly the worst partner in the world—Sharkman, also known as Kisame. Itachi had been wary of Kisame ever since the first day they met and became partners. The key reason behind this was that Kisame tended to flirt with Itachi quite a bit—after all, who could deny that the older Uchiha sibling was a hunk of burnin' love. He was not only irresistible to women, but…you get the idea. If good looking was cream, then Itachi was a bucket of lard.

Lastly, the final cruel detail behind the not-so-wonderful life of being part of an evil organization was the…paperwork. There was always lots and lots and lots of paperwork to do.

Now you may think it's bizarre that an evil organization like the Akatsuki would have to have a lot of paperwork to do. But do you _know_ how many things the Akatsuki have to do?

For one, there are the papers for their hideout. Yep, every evil organization has a hideout, care of Evil Doers Co., who provides the spiffy locations for the said evildoers, whether it is underground or creating a village (for example, Hidden Sound. Orochimaru paid a huge sum to create that village, like Mr. Trump wasting-money huge). There are lots of payments to be paid to Evil Doers Co., who have a very tight contract and a very scary union, who will come after you with some of the most terrifying torture imaginable if you don't meet the payments. The said torture…take the word Barney, plus Care bears, add in the word bondage…there you go…

There is also the Akatsuki business. How do you think evil organizations get their money from? Donations? Nooo…Evil villains don't have a donations fund (but they welcome anyone who wishes to create one). They have to _work_ to get their cash, otherwise how would they pay off their debts on uniforms, weapons, and such. Most of the paperwork is for the _Aka no Tsuki_ restaurant chain, which is a very popular Japanese grill. They have thousands of employees to pay. There is also paperwork to open new restaurants, to handle customer complaints, to make sure all the utility and electric bills are paid, and for the supplies to be bought. There is also a _huge_ amount of accounting work to do…net income, net loss, gross profit…etc, etc, etc…

In fact, Itachi feels more like an accountant than an S class ninja who massacred his entire family. It sometimes made him wonder _why_ he didn't become an accountant in the first place…

The Akatsuki also have a very successful assassination business (which was slightly a given), but that never comes through as well as their restaurant, which makes about ten times the profit as their assassination company, Red Moon Assassinations Ltd. Apparently, people preferred a family dining

environment with good food to assassinations of powerful moguls. But that in itself is also littered with paper work…accepting clients, the fees charged, information on the targets, travel money…and so forth.

All in all, it was not fun being an evil villain. Especially for Itachi, who dreamed of soap opera stardom but instead got hard labour of calculating the profits of the Akatsuki as their slave accountant. (No bondage involved.)

(But hey, the Akatsuki had a good workers insurance—dental, optical, and whatnot. And Itachi suffers a lot of optical problems…he once thought he saw a purple dinosaur walk across the street in a pink tutu, then Kisame having a very large moustache like Hercule Poirot. Having the Mangekyou Sharingan comes with a price.)

So Itachi was very happy to get an assignment of scouting out the current condition of his former village (and to write up those reports…more paperwork). He was also intrigued by the arrival of the new Hokage, Tsunade, and her rather devious plan of getting the town to perform a Shakespearean play in order to boost village morals.

Itachi was also interested to find his _beloved_ younger brother, Sasuke, in the lead role as Romeo. Sure he was a little jealous of the fact that his younger sibling had gotten such a good role to act—it made him slightly regret betraying his village (since Romeo and Juliet would be the closet thing Itachi would ever get to soap opera stardom). Only a little. But what Itachi found was even _more_ interesting was the person acting _opposite_ of Sasuke. The said Uzumaki Naruto, holder of the Vulpix…I mean Nine-Tails demon. Hey, no one can deny that the Kyuubi looks like a Pokemon…A rather scary looking Pokemon, nonetheless…

So here was Itachi (with Sharkman), standing on top of a rooftop in Konoha, looking down at the scene before him. If it weren't for the fact that Itachi had to keep his composure and act like the stoic, monochrome, evil genius everyone thought him to be, he would be laughing his head off like a crazy weasel that got his hands on marijuana.

Instead, all he could do was smirk as he heard random shouts of profanity coming from Naruto as Shino attempted to coax him into wearing a strawberry pink and red renaissance dress that was supposed to be his costume as Juliet.

For Sharkman, he couldn't help but sweat-drop as he watched the expression on Itachi's face. "Uh…Itachi-sama…Maybe we should get those reports now?"

Sharkman didn't like an Itachi that had a smirk and seemed actually cheery instead of his "I'm so evil and badass" persona. Kisame liked an Itachi who was all monotonous and had a tendency to beat him over the head with a large mallet (whenever he tried to cuddle or give him chocolates and flowers for Valentine's Day). Sure, he's gotten a lot of abuse and painful bone shattering experiences, but it was all worth it. Love was a difficult thing, after all. You had to work at it…ignore that comment, what I meant to say was that a scary Itachi was always better than a cheery Itachi, who was much, much, _much_ scarier than a scary Itachi…

Right…

"Not now, Kisame. Don't you see I'm busy?"

"…Uh…But…But…Why?"

"Why?"

"Yes…why are you watching these people…?"

"…"

"…"

"I've done too much paperwork for the last couple of months, so I deserve a little relaxation and watch this. Besides, don't you think it's rather adorable seeing my otouto in tights?"

Sweat-drop. Kisame didn't like to admit it, but Itachi had a bit of a brother complex. It was always Sasuke-this, Sasuke-that. Sometimes it made Sharkman a little jealous. "But-but…"

"Shush. I'll let you touch my hair if you be quiet."

"…"

"Fine…We can cuddle tonight."

"Yay!"

Kisame was afraid of the dark. That was it. Nothing else. Don't even _go_ _**there**_…

* * *

The author pauses for a moment, reads over what she just wrote, then gets up from her chair, walks towards the nearest wall and repeatedly beats her head against it.

"Stop that, you baka, and get back to work," said the evil muse.

The cruel beta looks up from her book, _Lolita_. "Yeah…do your work. Don't make me rip your arms off."

"Hai…" replied the weak willed slave author as she goes back to typing.

* * *

Meanwhile, in his home, Shino was lying peacefully on his bed, a warm towel over his head. He had a major—the size of the continent of Australia—type of headache. The bug shinobi felt as if his skull was going to crack open with all the stress he has with this play. Well, at least he was better than Iruka, who seemed to have taken to Tylenol as his life companion. Things couldn't possibly get any worse, at least Shino hoped they wouldn't.

The rehearsals were an absolute disaster. They were now into the stages of putting the acts together, but it was simply not going as planned. The actors were uncooperative (for example Naruto, who's _period_ seems to have gotten _really_ bad and he was now really pissed off, moody, and bitchy, and was now starting to act rather Tenten-ish), they did not get along well (for example Anko, who Genma had informed was plotting to murder Gai in six thousand different ways, all more painful than the next), some had horrible memorization skills (for example, Kiba, who couldn't pronounce half the words in the play without the help of either Shino or Akamaru. That's right, the puppy), and the stage kept getting destroyed (the ANBU were _really_ pissed at having to build the thing over and over again. They were tempted to go on strike and ask for better treatment)! It was complete, utter, total chaos!

And you expect Shino to stay _sane_ through all of this!? What are you, _insane_?

C'mon! Just because the man has had bugs running around his body since he was an iddy biddy little baby doesn't mean he could deal with all of this! Things couldn't possibly get worse, and that was Shino's private ray of hope.

Unfortunately for him, it was squashed way too soon.

Knock, knock, knock.

"Shiiiiiino!" called his mother. "A friend of yours is here to see you!"

"Yes, mother…" sighed Shino as he trekked downstairs. Shino blinked a couple of times as he laid eyes on the person in his house. "Hinata…what are you doing here? At this time of night?"

The white-eyed girl poked her fingers together shyly, a worried and anxious look on her face. "Anno…well, Shino-kun…anno…by any chance have you seen Neji-niisan or Tenten-chan?"

"No…not since Tenten was rampaging around hunting for Neji…" replied Shino, remembering the memory of a kunai waving kunoichi with a pair of pink tights in her hands running after the Hyuuga. He twitched unconsciously. He suddenly felt very, very, very glad Hinata was on his team, and that Tenten was not. No matter how strong and independent Tenten was, she was just too damn scary! "Why?"

"Well…anno…you see, f-father w-wanted to speak to N-Neji-niisan about the t-training schedule since h-he was doing this p-play," spoke Hinata, "and well…" Hinata suddenly felt like sweat-dropping, for his father found Neji and Hinata being in this play to be hilariously funny, to the point where the prominent Hyuuga had to hide in his room before rolling on the floor laughing. He was even willing to lessen their training schedule for this whole she-bang.

Another thing was that Hinata really didn't know how Shino was going to take this news.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN NEJI AND TENTEN ARE _MISSING_!?"

Speaking of Neji and Tenten…

"LOUSY DOOR!" A trillion shurikens attacked the new door made by the ANBU for the sound/lighting studio of the stage, may for superior function and protection! Fortunately for them, it was unbreakable, so they wouldn't have to rebuild it again since people kept destroying it. Unfortunately for Tenten and Neji, they were now stuck. Together. In a sound proofed room.

Oh boy…

"LOUSY DOOR!" shouted Tenten once more as she plummeted a trillion more shurikens and kunais at the door. But nothing. The brown haired girl sighed depressingly as she sank to the floor in defeat. "Damn door…why won't it break down?" She sighed depressingly once more before getting up from the ground to collect the two trillion kunais and shurikens.

"The ANBU must have reinforced it with some kind of jutsu so that it wouldn't be broken so easily…again…" suggested Neji.

"Damn ANBU," cursed the bun-headed girl.

"Didn't you want to be an ANBU?"

Twitch, twitch.

"I said I _wanted_ the ANBU, meaning I wished to _own them_, like how a millionaire owns a football team. I want them to do my bidding. It didn't mean I wanted to _join_ the ANBU. I'm sorry, but those masks really creep me out."

I need to get one of those ANBU masks, thought Neji suddenly.

"Your bidding…?"

"That's right, my bidding. You know, washing my laundry, making me breakfast, tormenting you, saving me from Gai-sensei and Lee, tormenting you some more, pick up all my weapons, torment you, take over the world…"

"Okay, okay…I get the point." Neji sighed. _Crazy, crazy woman_…

"So how are we supposed to get out? We've tried everything—crying, shouting, attacking…Nothing works! What is this door made of anyways?" questioned Tenten as she looked around the space.

"Do you really want to know what lengths the ANBU went to make a door that either or both of us couldn't break?"

Now Tenten was curious…what could the ANBU have done to make the door unbreakable? Especially by her, the weapons master, of all people.

"Hn…now I am curious."

This is where Tenten's horrible imagination kicked in…maybe it was made of Adamantium, she thought…no, wrong universe. What Tenten and Neji were unaware of was the lengths and time the ANBU went to in order to create the most indestructible and soundproof material in all the known universe! HAHAHAHAHA!

Ahem…

Titanium marshmallow alloy!

That's right! Steel marshmallows. No, I am quiet all right, and am not losing my mind. The ANBU had discovered in their laboratory that marshmallows, a very soft substance, was great at sound proofing…and when the compounds of marshmallow was mixed with titanium, well not even the human Armageddon with weapons, Tenten, was able to break it down. The ANBU had spent nights preparing this material…several days of no sleep, no good food (you couldn't eat beans every day!), no showers, no breaks, no coffee, and did I mention no sleep? But they had finally produced something great! A substance none of these crazed-psychotic ninja wannabe actors could destroy with their insanity…

Of course, it did not occur to _any_ of them how useful this material would be in protecting Konoha from a said hermaphrodite lunatic snake-thingy…and his nerd/slave/fan boy…

But marshmallows aside, the current problem that plagued Tenten and Neji was the room. The freaking room in which they were both stuck in…and where now starting to feel a little claustrophobic…

Grumble…

"Sorry…" said Neji. "I haven't had anything to eat yet…"

Tenten sweat-dropped. "Great. We're stuck in a room that is unbreakable, small, and we have no food…and it's sound proofed!"

Ping! The light bulb lit up…

Tenten smiled rather mischievously all of a sudden as many, many, ingenious and twisted ideas rampaged around her brain.

"It's sound proofed…Hehehe…"

Neji gulped. He was suddenly very scared for his life.

Back at Shino's place…Hinata was trying to, well, save a life.

"S-Shino-kun!" she shouted timidly as she rushed to the bug-boy's side. Apparently, the shock of Hinata's news on the disappearance of his very loud and commanding partner in crime, who saved much of whatever sanity he had left with her insane antics and crazy overwhelming scariness had given Shino too much of a shock. He currently lay motionless on the floor, his mouth partially opening and closing every few moments. "Sh-Shino-kun…are you all right?"

"H-How…W-When…W-What?"

"A-a-a-a-are you all right, Sh-Shino-kun?"

Glumly, Shino sat up slightly, with Hinata's assistance of course. The poor Aburame heir looked absolutely devastated, a rather blank and hopeless look on his face. Shino just couldn't believe that this was happening! What could have happened to Neji and Tenten! (Though part of him did not want to know the answer to that question) As much as Tenten stressed him, frustrated him, annoyed him, and ultimately, scarred him, he _needed_ her demanding, evil, and rather loud and forceful personality to get all the actors to actually _attempt_ to cooperate with each other. Besides! If he had to suffer through this horrible ordeal, she had to suffer it out with him! They were kindred spirits in a sense that they were both just not normal…

"How could this have happened?" muttered Shino as he stared at his hands, that were trembling slightly either due to being tickled by his bugs, or the unfortunate thought of having to deal with all those actors _alone_, _by __**himself**_, tomorrow. It was too frightening! More frightening than Tenten even!

But what could Shino do?

"We must organize a search party!" cried the Aburame heir suddenly, slamming his fist into his palm in sheer determination as a 'ping!' glint reflected off of his shades. "We need to round up all the people we can in order to find those two! If I have to suffer through this insidious act of torment, then Tenten must suffer as well…er…I mean who knows what could have happened to them! For all we know, Orochimaru could have kidnapped them! So we must find them!"

So on they went…to start the search party to find Tenten and Neji.

Somewhere in Konoha, Iruka suddenly got a really bad feeling. Bad things come in threes, and they were going to be hit with bad thing number three! Big time…and in many, many different forms…

* * *

In the darkness of the night, Genma and Kurenai leaped from rooftop to rooftop, searching. The dark haired Jounin suddenly stopped on one particular rooftop, waiting for his crimson-eyed counterpart. "Oi! Kurenai! Hurry up will you! We need to find her before she does anything that's…you know."

"Sorry, sorry…I thought I saw her a while ago," said Kurenai as she landed on the rooftop. "Have you seen her?"

"Yeah, I think she went that way," replied the Jounin pointing in a random direction. Genma sighed deeply. "I _knew_ we should have requested to bring along a straight-jacket. I _knew it_."

"Like you could possibly get Anko into a straight-jacket," smirked Kurenai, "when she's like _that_."

By _that_, Kurenai had meant that Anko had finally flipped her lid, and lost whatever sanity she had ever possessed—which was already low to begin with, by the way. Now she was acting like a deranged person, more than usual of course. If Anko were her normal deranged self, it wouldn't be such a drama. Normal meant that she was shouting random profanity, while threatening people left and right, as well as mumbling ways to murder Maito Gai. However, Anko was now at the point where she was completely paranoid and delusional. It took a lot of people to keep her from murdering Gai—of course, Gai had no realization for Anko's hatred. He thought it was love! So now, Kurenai and Genma were searching all around Konoha for their fellow Jounin, to stop her from whatever she was planning to do.

Meanwhile, Anko was planning to initiate Plan A of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN", which is the first version of a long list of attempts on Gai's life. The dark haired Jounin had not slept for days, paranoid and dreaming of Gai serenading her in a large pink and yellow tutu. She had severe dark circles under her eyes, and she had been living off of coffee for a while now. Orochimaru would be proud if he saw Anko now, plotting ways of deadly murder without a care at all.

She was currently setting up her first trap to kill Gai. It was, in fact, a very large, gigantic, enormous, stupendous…a very, very large bear trap. Like HUGE, like Great Wall of China huge! The ninja worked very hard to hold the trap in place, whilst putting several layers of soil over it to cover the gigantic spikes. Anko had purchased this trap to be especially painful, with lots of rusting pointy points that seemed like her teeth currently, which she was grinding away as she layered the last layer of soil over the trap.

"Hahahahahaha!" she laughed evilly and rather hysterically, looking both crazy and disturbed. "At last! I have finally completely the doomsday devise—I mean, the TO KILL GAI TRAP!! This trap, when sprung will rip him into tiny pieces and I can then make him into ramen and feed him to that stupid Aburame kid who caused all of this in the first place!" Yes…Anko had switched from turning Naruto into ramen to chopping up Gai into ramen. "At last I shall have peace!" she cried as tears sprung from her eyes.

She gently placed a "I Love Gai" chocolate shaped like a heart in the center of the trap, careful not to tip it off. She also made sure she didn't tip off the trap, seeing as it was very sensitive. Now all she had to do was wait for Gai to come, and then SNAP! He's dead like a squishy pulpy sandwich! And at last will Anko be free of that psycho bad-fashion ignoramus.

"Finally! I will at last be free of the psycho ignoramus with bad fashion!" shouted Anko in a crazy sort of glee as she hid behind a bush. "It will only be a matter of time now…"

TWO HOURS LATER

"DAMMIT! WHERE THE HELL IS THAT LOUSY XXXXXXXX WHEN I WANT TO SEE HIM!" shouted Anko, her eyes red and nearly bulging out of their sockets. "Stupid Gai…damn bastard…FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS DANGO! COME ALREADY!"

And finally, Anko's wish was answered.

Strolling into the street, Maito Gai approached Anko's trap. The female Jounin looked on excitedly, anticipating that wondrous moment when he would be crushed by the gigantic trap. This was the climax! No…not that kind of climax…get your mind out of the gutter! Anko had waited so long, and finally she was going to get her just desserts, by giving Gai his just desserts.

However, Gai, completely oblivious to the present on the floor, skipped past the trap, while humming some makeshift song on the lines of "Anko, Anko, Anko, my wonderful little Anko…Anko, Anko, Anko, my beautiful future bride-oh!" It sounded oddly like "Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel!". He jumped past the gift, skipped past the trap, and went right by a very shocked Anko, who's jaw just dropped to the floor, her eyes wide and bulging out of their sockets. Thus, it was by pure chanced that Maito Gai lived to see another day…to annoy Anko another day! Ah, bliss…

The poor Jounin nearly sobbed her eyes out as Gai disappeared from view.

"How!" she cried. "How the hell out this have happened!? What the XXXX did I do wrong!?"

Just as Anko had begun to slam her head into a nearby tree, Kakashi appeared, whilst reading his Icha Icha Paradise, a blush and a smile on his face. It was the latest edition, where the hero Mosuke and Kaori were…well, they were doing something that was explained in a previous chapter of this story by a said Machiavellian weapons master. Anyways, while reading his perverted book, Kakashi looked down to see a gigantic chocolate heart, which said the words "From Anko to Gai". Now, Kakashi wasn't the type to steal food like a certain pupil of his…but that was _really_ good Belgian chocolate! Stopping, he bent down and picked up the chocolate…Gai wouldn't miss it, he was sure. And just as he did, the trap sprung, and broke apart…and…

Ripped all of Kakashi's clothes off in the process…well, with the exception of the mask.

Anko stared in wide eye wonder at Kakashi's, ahem, very toned, very muscular, very beautiful, and very nude body. The end result was a nosebleed.

"Damn…" sighed the silver haired Jounin. "Jiraiya was right—never pick up random food from the ground."

As Anko held a tissue to her nose and forced herself to leave the scene of her crime, she was suddenly very glad that the trap did not work on Gai. Since, by Kakashi's example, it would have ripped off all of Gai's clothes instead of killing him…and that would have been a really bad thing. She shuddered in fear—a nude Gai was not a happy image. Instead, she got a nude Kakashi, which wasn't too bad in itself. I mean, sure, the trapped failed, but what woman wouldn't like to see a nude Kakashi? Now at least Anko knew how to fix her plan.

It was time to initiate Plan B of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN".

"Mwuahahahahahaha!" she laughed evilishly in an Orochimaru style as she held the Kleenex to her nose.

Kakashi stared after in her curiousity, wondering if he should go find some clothes to put on…

* * *

"Why the hell are we doing this!?" shouted an angry Naruto as he walked down the streets of Konoha with Sasuke, in an attempt to search for two lost bodies—these bodies, of course, were Neji and Tenten, now officially missing for a total of 4 hours. Shino, who was desperate and irritated, gathered (nearly) the entire cast of _Romeo and Juliet_ to search for the two missing…victims. Shino had some ideas of what may have happened to the two—for example, Tenten may have finally cracked and kidnapped Neji for evil purposes…most of which Shino did NOT want to think about.

And this is essentially what led Naruto and Sasuke on their search for a bun-headed girl and her white-eyed…slave…boy?

"I don't get why the hell we have to do this!?" ranted Naruto—finally back to boy-form. "I mean, those two could be having some hanky panky, and we're all just interrupting, besides, what if it's nothing at all, and they're just eating dinner somewhere, and, and…"

Sasuke twitched involuntarily.

Sure, Naruto was back to being a boy, but for some odd and unexplainable reason, he was still in fem-mode. He talked even more than he usually did, was louder, more annoying, and tended to ramble on forever. This was annoying the hell out of Sasuke, who felt as if he were having another Sakura around—and fem-Naruto was so much worse than Sakura, oddly enough.

"Naruto…" he spoke threateningly.

"…and of course, Shino is just being paranoid. You know, I think he may have a crush on Tenten. But that's kinda weird, since I always thought he liked Hinata. I can understand why; Hinata can be quite sweet, but she is _freakishly_ quiet, but I guess being joint-at-the-hip with Kiba may balance that out, and did you notice how Tenten is allergic to Akamaru? It's quite funny! I saw her attempting to kill it the other day…poor thing, I dunno why Tenten doesn't use allergy medicine…I mean, I'm allergic to Miso—bet you didn't know that, did you—and I take allergy medicine, otherwise how would I eat Miso ramen! And boy, does Ichiraku have the _best_ Miso ramen…I asked Sensei and nee-chan how they made it so good, but he says it's a family secret, but I don't think I could make ramen that well anyways…"

"Naruto…"

"…and beef ramen is really good too! All that meaty taste, yum! Boy, I wish I knew how to cook! I would make myself beef ramen everyday! I heard from Neji that Lee actually cooks really well! Supposedly, he learnt it from Gai-sensei…even though Tenten hates their cooking. Neji tells me that Lee makes really good Tempura…but he prefers Tenten's dumplings. She has a family recipe too! I asked Neji the other day how he uses Byakuugan, and he told me all the history about it! It was really cool! I never knew that the Sharigan was the mutant baby of the Byakuugan!"

"_Naruto_…"

"…But that's makes everything explainable, since you and Neji act a lot alike…I mean, you're both uber-quiet, and way too scary sometimes, and you both have dark hair…and weird eyes…and both of you have family issues…and and! Hey! Maybe you're like twins or something! That'd be cool! And you both have weird fashion sense, too! What's with the black and white? Yeesh! How unoriginal! Now orange is the way to go! But they also said that purple is the new orange, so I was thinking about getting myself a purple jumpsuit, what do ya think? Personally, I don't think purple is my colour…but the lady I visited at the store said I looked quite fetching in it…"

"_**NARUTO**_!!"

The blonde turned at the sound of his friend's loud banshee shriek. Sasuke glared at him, with spirally red eyes flashing like glowing stoplights. Naruto stopped immediately, like all good cars…The Uchiha's Mangekyou Sharingan…wait…he never got that, did he? Well…Sasuke's Sharingan whirled as he puffed angrily, his face bright like a cheery tomato, which is odd because Sasuke _hates_ tomatoes. His mother fed him too many tomatoes when he was a child, because she thought it was good for his health, so dear Sasuke became traumatized for life when it comes to tomatoes…

Now the author is completely off topic…

"Yes…?" spoke the blonde curiously.

"For. The. Love. Of. _God_." Twitch, twitch, vein pop, burst! "Shut. The. Hell. Up. _**FOREVER**_!!"

"Geez! You don't have to be so sensitive! I was just making conversation!"

"Well, stop it!" shouted the ebony haired attempted-traitor whiny boy. "It's annoying the hell out of me!" Sasuke waved his hands in the air frustratingly uncharacteristically. "I thought _nobody_ could be _worse_ than Ino and Sakura…but you _are_! God! You're like the two of them stuff together into a F--ing package! For once in your life, shut up! And stop ranting on about Neji! I'm already looking for him and Tenten, I don't need to hear more about him!"

"B-b-b-b-b-b-but…"

"No, buts! Stop doing the Hinata thing! It's ticking me off!"

"Wow…that was quite Tenten-ish of you…"

Sasuke glared at him hatefully, the twirling red windmills in his eyes moving very rapidly. "Say that again, Naruto…and you will _never_ see the day you become Hokage."

"Hah, so you admit it! I will become Hokage! HA!" The blonde ball of orange jumpsuit bounced beside the dark-haired sissy-boy happily. "Looky, looky, the mighty Uchiha admitted that _I_, Uzumaki Naruto, will become Hokage! Ha, ha, ha!"

The younger Uchiha sibling slapped his hand to his head. He wondered if Iruka-sensei had any more pills that he could use. Apparently, the reserved teacher had become an aspirin dealer…and user…and Sasuke was having the worst headache of his life. Yes! Even worse than when a certain damned weasel destroyed a certain family…

"And why shouldn't I talk about Neji! He's cool!"

Twitch, twitch, vein pop…_burst_…

"Neji…is not cool…"

"He is!"

"No…he is _not_…"

"But the see-through-stuff thing that he does with his eyes is really cool! I mean, you can't even see through walls! All you can do is see people move! That's not cool! Neji is cool!"

"Hyuuga Neji is not cool!"

"Nah-un! He is!" retorted the blonde.

Sasuke growled irritatingly. He suddenly wanted to kill Hyuuga Neji, but knew it would danger his own life if Tenten ever found out. And he couldn't let that happen, no, no! Uchiha Sasuke had to live, in order to destroy his brother in some painfully grotesque way that would not imply Uchihacest (since he must go forth and multiply, like the good book says…which, in all other sense, does imply incest in some twisted manner). No…Sasuke had to _kill_ Itachi, like seriously _kill_ him dead. Some would say that Sasuke had a Itachi-complex, and that was completely true, since Itachi had a Sasuke-complex as well…so it balanced out.

As Sasuke was walking down the street, looking for Neji and his romp buddy Tenten, while Naruto was talking a trillion miles per hour…he heard _it_. A giggle. A stifled, quiet, almost non-existent giggle. Sasuke stopped in his tracks, his eyes fixed onto nothing as if he were done up on dope. He focused his ears to listen carefully to the giggle. So quietly and softly did Sasuke listen to the giggle.

"SAS_UKE_!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!" shouted Naruto quite randomly in the ebony-haired pansy-boy's ears. And suddenly, Sasuke was deaf.

"I heard it…" said the dazed and doped-up Sasuke. "I heard it…I heard it…"

Naruto blinked at him curiously confused, his eyebrow raised. "What did you hear?"

"I heard it…I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it… I heard it…"

"Err…yes…umm…I got that part…What did you hear, Sasuke?"

So suddenly that Sasuke turned to him made Naruto jump. His eyes were wide and wild, the damn bloody red windmills spinning about like crazy (more so than usual, of course, since Sasuke-kun was crazy already). There was this evil gleam of realization on Sasuke's face; his visage became even paler (if that was possible), and he seemed frozen and more rocklike than usual (if that was possible). His mouth opened and closed like a goldfish out of water, and he was staring at Naruto as if Naruto was…

"ITACHI!!"

Naruto was so surprised that he jumped away from the ebony-haired pretty-boy.

"W-w-w-w-what? Itachi? Where?"

Now Naruto had become quiet frightened of Itachi. Well, one clear obvious reason was because Itachi was part of the Akatsuki, and who _knows_ what the hell they wanted Naruto for. Maybe they wanted his power? Nah…they were all powerful enough. Besides, seven…grown men wanting to kidnap a little 12 year-old boy was just not normal. I don't care WHAT people say about the Kyuubi, it's just wrong. And Naruto always thought Itachi had a weird femmy feel to him. After all, he was quite handsome (even Naruto had to admit that…damn! All the Uchiha men were pretty boys!), and his hair was tied into a long ponytail, and he wore nail polish, and he had rings on, and he wore a fishnet shirt! For god's sakes, what straight _male_ wears fishnet? The author _dares_ you to find one…So, all in all, Naruto was quite scared that he would be molested by the older Uchiha…

Now back to Sasuke…

"I heard him…I absolutely heard him. It was Itachi…"

"But…how? I didn't hear anything…"

"Well, you don't exactly have Itachi-dar, now do you?"

"Yes, that's true…but still…"

"I heard him, I absolutely heard him. He was…giggling…"

Naruto chocked his head to the side. "He was _what_?"

But Sasuke did not answer. He just continued on, glaring at nothing. A tumbleweed blew across a random field. The author took a sip of vodka.

Then…suddenly…

"ITACHI, YOU MURDERING BROTHER-ASSHOLE RAPID WEASEL! I KNOW YOU'RE OUT THERE!!" shouted Sasuke as he randomly pointed around. "I HEARD YOU! I ABSOLUTEY HEARD YOU! YOU WERE _LAUGHING_ AT ME! WELL, YOU WOULD BE LIKE THIS TOO IF I WAS THE ONE WHO KILLED OUR FAMILY AND WENT ALL CRAZY AND STUFF! AND YOU WOULD BE JUST AS INSANE AS I AM IF YOU HAD TO HAVE A BLONDE GENDER-BENDING DITZ AS A FRIEND AND A PINK-HAIRED FANGIRL AS A TEAMMATE!"

Sasuke huffed, and puffed, and blew done everything. Well, actually, he blew done nothing. He was now just really tiered. Naruto looked at him, his eyes…well…there was only one description for his eyes. Zeros. 00. Two big zeros.

Sasuke _never_ acted this way. Sasuke was always calm, monotone, boring like a piece of firewood, who had the libido of a rock. Yep, thought Naruto, he has finally cracked his brains. The brother-complex thingy has finally unhinged Sasuke to the edge of infinity. He was now hearing things…what next? Seeing things? Probably…most likely…definitely…

"It's all right," said the blonde, patting his friend on the back and leading him away from the scene. "It's all right…big bad Itachi isn't around, so let's go get you a nice glass of milk."

"I want chocolate milk…"

"Sure, sure…whatever you want…"

For once in his life, Naruto was being mature…in a moment where Sasuke was not.

And yes…the author is totally on crack…

Touché!

* * *

"Wow…How did he sense you?"

Giggle.

"I mean, you were so quiet…"

Giggle.

"And he was so far away…"

Giggle.

"And that blonde fox-boy was talking like a train…"

Giggle.

"Okay…that is _really_ freaking me out now."

Giggle.

"…"

* * *

Meanwhile…in a random soundproofed room on a random stage in a random village called Konoha, a random Machiavellian weapons master was being evil to a random young man who had a rare bloodline. What were they doing quite randomly you ask?

"All right…" said Tenten, her face rather red. She was breathing heavily. Almost as if she had done a marathon for the last hour. "Now that I have sung _Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star_ five hundred times while doing the Hokey-Pokey with my eyes crossed, it's your turn Neji. Truth or dare?"

"…"

"C'mon…choose!"

"…"

"You know you want to…"

"Fine…Truth…"

Tenten thought for a moment. An evil smile came over her face.

"If you had to marry the following people, who would it be? Sakura, Ino, Chouji, Sasuke, Shino, Lee, or Naruto? And please…give me the reason…"

"…"

Tenten smiled innocently.

"I hate you…"

"Come on, out with it. So who would it be?"

"…Naruto…"

"Woooooooooooo…Why? I thought you'd choose Sasuke for sure, since you two are like a match-made in deranged bloodline heaven. And he's quite smexy too. And your kids would be some freaky assed ninjas. And what about Shino? He and _I _are kindred souls!"

Twitch, twitch. Jealous levels rising.

"Err…no…"

"So why Naruto?"

"'Cause at least I can stand him and would not kill him…The rest…are unbearable."

Tenten blinked curiously. "How so? And do share."

The white-eyed teen glared at his teammate hateful. "One, Sakura and Ino are too obsessed with Uchiha, and I feel bad enough for him already, so I certainly do not want to be in his position. Two, Chouji…is…(cough)…too…Never mind, it just would not work between us. Three, Uchiha and I would kill each other within a 10 foot radius. The Shino bug thing is just…way too creepy. Lee is like Gai-sensei, so I shouldn't even have to answer that question…thus, leaving only Naruto. Despite being quite annoying, Naruto is still better than the rest of them."

The bun-headed girl gazed at him in quiet awe. "Wow…you actually make sense…"

"I know…it's scary…"

"So between me and Naruto, who would it be?"

"…Look…Tenten…there's a butterfly…"

"Butterfly! Where?!"

And thus Tenten went chasing after a butterfly…and Neji was saved for a moment. Thank God that Tenten had the attention span of chipmunk.

In another part of the city, Anko was planning to initiate Plan B of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN". The Jounin busied herself, working on the complex method that would ultimately destroy Gai—which she named "Gai no Death Jutsu". Yes…Anko had come up with a jutsu just to kill Gai. Unfortunately, like the ANBU and their steel marshmallow thingy, Anko did not realize how the jutsu could help defeat the Oro-snake hermaphrodite thingy. The Jutsu entailed a painful method of death by fluffy bunnies. Once again, the author is quite sane.

Here is how the jutsu worked: the victim (in our case, Gai) would see an injured rabbit on the floor. Anyone but _anyone_ would stop at the site of an injured bunny because it was so cute and you just had to help cute things because they're just too cute! (Insert random fangirly squeal) Thus, when the said victim (Gai) went to help the bunny, it would multiple into several evil bunnies of the apocalypse that would tear its victim (Gai) into pieces of carrot peely fluffy things of randomness.

"Finally! With this jutsu (that I hoped I wouldn't have to use because I have yet perfected it), I will finally be rid of that annoying tango-dancing, sombrero-wearing pansy!" shouted the woman gleefully. "And finally! Finally I would have my peace, and Konoha will be finally rid of that annoying evil man!" (And no, she did not mean Orochimaru, and Anko absolutely did not consider how good a shinobi Gai actually was…why should she care!? Her sanity had been dwindled into pieces of fluff…)

And so, behind a bush did Anko hide, to wait for her insufferable green pantsuit wearing, bowl-haired and ping-ing Maito Gai.

**TWO HOURS LATER**

"Where is he!?" shouted Anko painfully as she waited behind the bush. It had now become a really weird pattern. Apparently, Gai had an unknown power of keeping himself from Anko's evil schemes. Or maybe it's just the act of an insane writer who pretends she is sane, who thoroughly enjoys seeing Anko in torment. Anko had now just about given up, when suddenly, out came trotting along, bouncing like a gigantic green pepper in that suit of his…which left nothing to the imagination. Not good. Not good. Trauma…You don't WANT to imagine a nekkid Gai. That's just…ew…

Anyways, so Gai came trotting along, skipping gleefully up to the trap in which Anko had set up for him. The Jounin smiled evilly as she watched Gai approach the adorably white bunny, who injured and lying on the ground motionless. "Yes!" whispered Anko. "Finally! Finally I shall have my revenge on that damn annoying green-pantsuit-sombrero-wearing pansy! He foiled my first plan, but ha! I will succeed this time! (Though it was quite nice to see Kakashi in the nude.)" And so, our most beloved dango-eating-Naruto-ish ninja gazed on with a psychotic gleam in her eyes.

Unfortunately, things did not work out…exactly as Anko planned.

So Gai approached the trap, skipping and jumping, and then…he saw the bunny. Anko anticipated the exiting moment where the cute adorable bunny would turn into a murderous piranha-bunny of the apocalypse and chew Gai into pieces of carrot peel. Yet, instead of helping the bunny, this was Gai's reaction…

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!"

Yes…he shrieked, and let me emphasize the worked _shrieked_, like a little girl at the site of the cute, adorable injured bunny. There's something incredibly wrong with that, but apparently, Gai was Rabbitophobic (is that a real phobia? Not possible. Rabbits are too cute)…and Anko watched in utter shock and amazement, her jaw kissing the ground, as Gai shrieked in fear at the rabbit, before running away at a speed that would have shamed the Road Runner. And poor Anko was left to wonder…

"WHAT KIND OF F--ING NUT IS SCARED OF A RABBIT!!"

Apparently, a beloved nut such as Gai.

Now, the author will go off on a tangent for a moment to tell you the tale of why our Gai is so Rabbitophobic. One day, a long time ago, when Gai was just an iddy-biddy little annoying green, bowl-headed speck (a position which Lee has kindly replaced) amongst a speck of other annoying little brats (a position kindly replaced by Tenten, Naruto, Sakura, Ino, et cetera), he had a very horrible encounter with a rabbit.

One day, in which a certain late-Uchiha had decided to be evil (hmmm…do we see a family pattern here?), he put a bunny inside one of Gai's many, many, many tights. Originally, they actually had been a nice shade of fluorescent mauve, so you wonder how he evolved to green. Anyways, so the certain late-Uchiha hid the bunny inside the pantsuit, hoping to make a good joke about it later. However, when Gai wore the jumpsuit later, the bunny did not respond well. In other words, it decided that Gai would make a very nice piece of carrot. I'll leave the rest to your imagination as to which body part the rabbit thought was a carrot. And thus, that is the tale of how Gai became mortally afraid of bunnies.

Anyways, as Anko was randomly cursing at Gai's utter stupidity, and at the fact that her plans had been foiled _again_ (which is surprising to Anko, as that Gai is not the smartest lime in the fruit basket), Kakashi came strolling along, straightening the new uniform he had just purchased (for 20000 yen; Tsunade was not only cheap, but also ripped people off). Suddenly, Kakashi noticed the adorable injured bunny on the ground.

"Awww…the poor little thing," spoke the Jounin, who had a soft spot for adorable cute things. Thus, being the kind, wonderfully handsome (and perverted) ninja we all love Kakashi for (and the author is not biased in ANY WAY, might I add), he went to help the bunny. What ensued, of course, before Anko's eyes was her beloved scheme working…on Kakashi…_again_. The adorably cute white rabbit turned into a multiple number of murderous piranha-rabbits of the apocalypse; yet, because the jutsu wasn't perfected, instead of killing Kakashi…they turned his new uniform into shredded peely thingies of doomness. And there, stood before Anko, once again, was a very nude Kakashi.

With his mask on. Damn.

Holding the tissue to her bleeding nose, Anko walked away from the scene, leaving a nude Kakashi to wonder why does this keep happening to him.

"Dammit," spoke the female Jounin. "Foiled again by that infernal, green-pantsuit-sombrero-wearing-rabbit-fearing pansy-pants. How does that idiot do it!? Does he have some Death-dar that prevents him from suffering!?" Anko whipped the blood from her nose as she thought of the results of her foiled plans. "Well…I guess I don't have too much to complain. But no! No amount of nude Kakashi will save me from that annoying green olive tree! I will get him! I promise! MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

And thus, Anko initiated Plan C of her "TO KILL MAITO GAI PLAN". Shall it be foiled again? Here's hoping to more nude Kakashi!

* * *

Since the author feels like she's neglecting other characters, she will now tell you the tragedy of Chouji.

The poor, chubby Genin's chips, cookies, and other assortment of snacks were all currently held hostage by three evil women known as Rika, Risa, and Ruki, three health-crazed kunoichi who held a certain bun-headed weapons master as Senpai. Together, they were known as the 3-Rs—reduce, reuse, recycle…wait, no…the 3-Rs were not a recycling mantra; they were, in fact, super-health-heroes determined to save the world from calories! Mwuahahahahaha! So, it was not good for Chouji that they were the people helping him learn his lines…And boy did Chouji need help with his lines. He had the Shakespeare bone of a gerbil. However, the 3-Rs were making progress…some progress…okay, very low progress…yes, I am lying, little progress…okay, okay, to be honest, no progress…

Rika growled angrily. "Last time Chouji…ANNUCIATE!! It's _thee_ not _zero_! How did you get from _thee_ to ZERO!?"

Chouji just glared at the three women. How dare they…first they took away his snacks, now they were insulting his intelligence! This was enough!

"Now listen you—"

Ruki glared at him angrily, sticking a finger at Chouji's nose. "Hush, you ball of lard! Do I have to remind you that the fate of all your snacks is in our hands?" Risa promptly pulled out a detonator with a bright red button, smiling evilly in a manic, rabid-chipmunk-Heero-Yuy sort of way as her thumb wiggled over it. "Would you like to see them go boom, Chouji-_san_?" said Ruki.

Chouji hesitated for moment. No! Nothing was worth more than his food! Nothing! Not even his dignity! So, he just glared in his Chouji way. "Damn you evil conniving psychotic fangirls…"

"Well, duh!" said the 3-Rs in union. "Tenten-san _is_ our _senpai_."

Chouji groaned in pain and agony as he was forced to endure the torture…I mean Shakespeare language lessons of the 3-Rs. What pain and agony did he go through you may ask? Ahem…if you are sensitive to the pains of both diet and old English, stop reading this right now.

Sad, poor, snack loving Chouji was forced to endure such harsh treatments—forced to repeat a mantra of thou, thee, and –eth words such as _harketh_ or _parketh_, though neither words were really used in _Romeo and Juliet_. In the middle of this mindless old English torment, the 3-Rs also forced Chouji to do laps around Konoha (note: this _was_ supposed to be Sasuke's initial punishment), as well as eat horrible, disgusting, vile, depraved, grotesque, atrocious, vomitrocious health foods…like soy and tofu, brussel sprouts, egg plants, broccoli, beans, turnips, and tuna!—which, if not made into some form of sushi or sandwich just did not taste good. For Chouji…there would be no chips, no chocolate, no cake or cookies, no candy, and worst of all…no instant noodles of any kind (which, if Naruto had heard, would go all Kyuubi on their arses).

So all in all, Chouji was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

And that, dear reader, is indeed what happened!

During the moments when Rika was shouting, "THEE, THEE, THEE!! It is _thee_, not _zero_!", and Risa playing with the pretty detonator that was connected to the fate of Chouji's snacks, and Ruki was preparing Chouji's egg plant smoothie, Chouji's mentality finally broke and shattered into tiny, iddy-biddy little pieces of fluff—and he screamed, hysterically loudly.

"AIIIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"

And went all Kyuubi on their arses without being a Kyuubi. Yay for writing that makes no sense!

Eyes wide and deranged, and foaming at the mouth, Chouji glared at the 3-Rs in fury and insanity, smiling like Hannibal Lector (though, of course, Hannibal the Cannibal was way too cool to foam at the mouth over three insane, diet-crazed kunoichi…yes, the writer is completely partial when it comes to deranged sociopaths). Laughing hysterically, Chouji lunged at the three girls, who screamed in fear as they attempted to run away from the large ninja. What was worse, due to his lack of (junk) food and being tormented by the 3-Rs, Chouji's mentality was in shambles—and he currently saw the three girls are large, imaginary bags of chips. Mouth foaming, eyes deranged and hungry, Chouji chased after Risa, Rika, and Ruki, attempting to eat them—but of course, they really wouldn't be that yummy (unless you were Hannibal the Cannibal).

Meanwhile…

"Aurgh…how annoying," spoke Shikamaru as he and Ino walked around Konoha, as they were on assignment (care of Shino, who was desperately trying to find a certain weapons master) searching for a certain Hyuuga and his said evil woman. Of course, Shikamaru had much better things that he could do rather than go around Konoha searching for people. It was supposed to be our beloved lazy genius' day off—when he was far, far, _far_ away from these insane, stupid people. He had planned and excellent schedule of sleeping, some eating, possibly playing some Go, Chess, and or et cetera, sleeping some more, gazing at the clouds, or just being his Shika-lazy self.

Unfortunately for Shikamaru, Shino bashed his wonderful plans into bits. He really the hated the Aburame heir right now—more than usual, for usually, Shikamaru felt sorry for Shino and all the crap he had go through (such as dealing with a PMS-pissed-off-fem-Naruto, a PMS-pissed-off-normal Sasuke, a PMS-pissed-off-murderous-Gai-hating Anko, and of course, the PMS-pissed-off-I'm-gonna-kill-you-dead-psychotic Tenten). Compared to Shino, Shikamaru had it easy! All he had to deal with was memorizing lines (which, because of his amazing IQ, was in the degree of difficulty as drawing a circle. Curse his photographic memory!) and dealing with a constantly complaining Ino (who was still very PMS-pissed-off-I'm-gonna-kill-Shino-dead). But then again, Shikamaru already had experience in the Ino department.

…that sounded really wrong for some reason…but anyways, nothing could excuse the fact that Shikamaru was very upset with Shino. In a completely non-yaoi kind of way.

"Stupid, stupid, & Shino!" Ino cursed (that would make Anko proud). "Why the hell am I doing this!"

"Because Shino and Tenten have the power to cut you…Out of the play," Shikamaru answered. "Though, that really wouldn't be too bad of an idea."

"Says you!" shouted Ino. "I was so close! So close to being able to share a kiss with Sasuke-kun. Wahhh! And now! Now! First Naruto steals Sasuke-kun's FIRST kiss! Now he gets to play _Juliet_ of all people! This makes no sense at all! What the hell was Shino thinking!"

At this moment, Shikamaru with his magnificent brain, decided to ponder this.

What _was_ Shino thinking, casting _Naruto_ of all people as Juliet?

And then Shikamaru realized that Shino was a freaking genius.

Of course he couldn't cast a real girl, because all the other girls would through themselves at her and eat her alive, and then Konoha would be thrown into anarchy! Though, for the anarchy part, Shikamaru was not so sure.

Just then, Shikamaru saw Chouji, his eyes possessing the mad glee of a rabid squirrel who just snorted some pixie sticks, as he chased three girls down a random street interval.

"KYAAAAAA! WAIT, CHOUJI! STOP! WE'RE PEOPLE! YOU CAN'T EAT US!" cried one of the girls.

"WE'LL GIVE YOU CHIPS! POP! DONUTS! JUST PLEASE. DON'T EAT US!" cried another.

"TENTEN-SENPAI! HELPPPPPPPPP!" cried the last.

The lazy-arsed genius gazed at the scene in annoyed surprised as the large, round, and manic Chouji half-rolled and half-cased the three girls down the streets of Konoha.

"I take it back," he said quietly to himself, "Shino, you are the _Devil_ incarnate. This isn't anarchy. This is just…just…_chaos_."

* * *

_To be continued in "Bad Things Come in Threes" Part III  
_

* * *

**Author's Note:** ((smiles sheepishly)) Hi...It's me again. With a **new** chapter of SL. ((smiles sheepishly as a large canon ball is shot towards her)) Sorry! SORRY! SORRY!! I really, really, _really _am. You have _no _idea how sorry I am. I know it's been...a while...since I last updated SL, but I have perfectly valid reasons! Um...((thinks)) In short, school, money, and life in general took up most of my time, including working on my novel. I have a book in the works right now, which I really do hope _will_ get published, so _that_ piece of comedy and all my other more tragic fiction are taking up a lot of my time (I've spent a lot of time writing horror these days). And between school and my family and friends, SL has not been the priority on my list. It's been a pretty dramatic few years: my grandmother had a stroke, my brother got married, one of my friends also got married, I had major financial issues to deal with, work (as in a paying job), a bad bout of depression, and several long vacations to China. To say the least, this writer has a life which she is forced to deal with (unfortunately).

I've also become severely disappointed with the plot of Naruto after the "Time Jump" bit, and have not bothered to catch up so much (due to a new love of the manga _DOGS - Bullets & Carnage_, as well my obsession with Asian dramas). I am, however, still planning on finishing SL, and getting back on the comedy bandwagon. Moreover, I want to dabble more in the romantic comedy circle: there is currently a poll on my_ profile on FF_ for a new fanfic, so **please vote** for a particular one. This will hopefully get my funny-bone working to churn out the rest of SL.

At any rate, thank you for reading SL, and I hope I will continue to have your support. Domo.

_Jia_

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